Walks and Adventures
As with current lockdown restrictions mean that normal socialising is not allowed. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still go for adventures and make the most of what we can do.
Last Saturday I made solid plans with Lisa to go for a walk like we used to as recently we have both been so busy with our work. We decided last week that we would go for a walk no matter what happened. We had even set the time for 12:15pm, although that was pushed back until 2pm, we were both determined to go for our exercise together. We met at a small carpark in the next town over and there was quite a few cars in the car park with people just sitting enjoying the view. I opened my window to have a cigarette and to speak to Lisa, but the wind was wild and hailstones heavy and I had to close my window, we ended up video calling each other to decide what to do. A part of me was going to suggest we just sit in the car and have a small catch up but I was determined to get out and have our walk so we waited for about 5-10 minutes until the hail had stopped. Lisa brought her little sister along with us so that was an added bonus. The path next to the beach was very muddy and there was huge puddles but we got through it all. We had walked for about 25-30 minutes and we came across old ruins – I had walked this path many times before. We had a cigarette and decided to start walking back to the cars. Overall the walk was enjoyable it was just a little unfortunate of the weather. There will be a tonne of new adventures with Lisa to come this year as I believe 2020 and the original lockdown brought us closer than ever.
Paul sent me a text one evening asking if I would like to go for a walk. I gladly accepted. Although he only gave me about half hour notice I didn’t mind. Nicola was also with us as I only ever meet them both as a pair. I have only ever been on a walk with Nicola by herself once in the past but I see them both as equals and value both their friendships the same. The park was still a little muddy from the heavy rain and floods but we got through it. We just walked our usual round of the park which is only about 2.5 to 3 kilometres. I brought my new tripod for my iPhone which can easily fold up and fit in my pocket, I just wanted to test it out although it was very cloudy so didn’t get any good photographs. Lisa suggested that we should do the same next week and I have no complaints about that whatsoever. I enjoy our weekly walks even before lockdown we would go for small adventures and walks with their dog.
I had another walk planned with Rachel but we were both too tired to go out. Makes a very big change from where I was last year where I would have done anything to leave the house. Now, I can happily stay indoors playing video games. One thing I’m sure of is that there are many more adventures to come! I am determined to see many new places this year even if it needs to be just in Scotland.
My Crush and Desires
As my 4-year anniversary of being single is approaching I always overthink a little as the date comes around. Andy and I were together for 4 years and the date we broke up for the final time would have been our 4 year anniversary. I guess this means that we’ve almost been apart for more time than we were together. Although we broke up originally before this date, we were on/off for about 5-6 months, I like to think of the final break up as the only date that matters.
Why do I refer to it as my “single anniversary”, could it be that I never really got over that. One of the reasons why I started writing so much. It’s true that I’ve had quite a few dates in those 4 years. Although I’ve only had 2 proper crushes, Daniel and Ben. Very different kinds of crushes but I had similar feelings and they both gave me nice sensations such as comfort of feeling that I can be myself and I felt a little happier whenever I was around them.
I could say that I’m genuinely holding out for ‘the one’. I don’t feel like playing the field is very much me anymore. I don’t want to play stupid games and I don’t want to go through too many ups and downs. I don’t even know where to begin most of the time and I’m not sure what kind of boyfriend I want but what I do know is that I would like those feelings of comfort again.
With Valentines approaching this weekend it is another reminder of how single I am. Maybe this time next year things will be very different. These last 12 months have taught me that anything is possible.
My Sister and Nephew Visit
My sister was supposed to visit our house on my dads birthday but she came a few days earlier as before the snow came. Although we didn’t break any laws by her visiting as she is a part of our extended household she just hasn’t been to our house since Christmas Day. I don’t know what is going to happen with restrictions in the coming weeks, a ban on visiting other households is in place until the beginning of March and there’s no guarantee it will be lifted then. My nephew is almost a year hold and my parents have only seen him a handful of times. If lockdown didn’t exist She would be visiting at least every other week! I came up with the suggestion that she visits and discussed it with my mum because I wanted to surprise my dad. Everyone was so happy to be reunited and my nephew has grown so much in those 6 weeks. He is now able to walk if someone is to hold him up. His first birthday is at the end of the month and I cannot wait to see them again. That is when I will gift my sister and nephew with all the copies of the family photos I got printed. I’m still unsure what I’m going to get my nephew for his birthday, I’m thinking maybe a stuffed toy that he can play with, maybe a Pokemon plush, I would like to get him something geeky because I hope he will enjoy video games when he is older.
At the beginning of the week the snow was very heavy. At least a few inches. I had a days holiday from work so had a longer lie in bed and I didn’t really think anything of the snow. Until around 7pm when I attempted to get all the snow off my car ready for the morning. I managed to clear it off my car, including roof, no problem but I was unable to reverse out of the driveway. I got into the middle of the street and had to drive back in to my driveway.
The next day we were all told to stay home from work as the roads were unsafe. I was a little upset but I spent the entire day playing video games. Later on the in day around 8pm I managed to get my car out to the supermarket to get some supplies and fill my car with petrol. Whenever it snows really bad I always feel a little trapped, much like I did when lockdown first became law. I enjoy my freedom and cannot wait to just be out in my car chilling with some of my friends at a nice viewpoint.
My Mental Health
I have said for years that by writing in a diary has improved my mental health. I honestly don’t know where I would be without having a way to organise my thoughts and emotions. Of course when I started my very first diary I just wanted to do it for fun and I enjoyed every entry I made. But after my 4-year relationship I felt as if I had nobody to turn to for help and the only thing I could do was write because I thought nobody else wanted to listen to my ranting or to take the time to understand my feelings.
I’ve always had a thought that perhaps I should write directly about my mental health issues. Not just to say I have depression or that I have social anxiety, but to explain a little about how that makes me feel and how it may restrict my normal life. Everybody has different experiences with their mental health and it is important to understand those differences. You wouldn’t be able to tell how I felt just by looking at me or even if you spoke to me in public, I will probably just come across as an average person.
Over the course of the next few weeks I will be writing a little more about my mental health specifically. I don’t feel like I could write it all in just one day as that is too exhausting. At times I struggle to deal with things so don’t wish to add any pressure to myself. But as long as I write about my mental health issues in more detail in the coming weeks I feel as if I could be satisfied and feel I have achieved something and to perhaps relief some of the stress that has brought on.
Forgotten and Replaced
Sometimes I get this strange feeling that if I don’t speak to someone for a few weeks I may be forgotten about. I’m not sure what that feeling is to be honest, but it’s probably one of the reasons I have very little friendships, but possibly why the friendships I have kept are so important to me. One very important friendship I had, with someone I haven’t written about since my 2012 diary, unfortunately it has been many years since I have seen her. At one point in our lives we would spend every single day together and we were always together when we went for many nights out in the city. Everybody knew us as a pair and we inseparable. Her name is Helen. I would like to write some more about Helen in this diary as I have so many stories I wish to share, some of which I am in the process of writing.
But as for what happened between Helen and I, a lot of things happened, we just don’t talk like we used to. In fact I think the last time we text was probably over a year ago. I tried my best and it didn’t work out very well. Have I been forgotten? Has she replaced me with someone just like me?
Whenever I have an argument with a friend or we just drift apart: I get very sad. I think that they have forgotten about me and possibly hate me and no doubt they will try to replace me. When I lost a lot of friends last year before lockdown came into effect, it pains me to think that they are all still friends with each other. Like I’ve been kicked out of a club and I have been refused reentry. What if they invite someone in to take my place and they become “The New Callum”. If ever I would see that new person with them I will just try to compare myself to them and fill myself with jealousy and a little bit of anger. But there isn’t much I can do about that.
I also have an extreme fear of missing out on something. If I don’t get invited out with my friends I feel a little left out. I feel as if I may miss something important. Also, I overthink far too much and start believing that my friends don’t want me there. The same goes for if I get a last minute invite and everybody already knows about it, was I a final thought? Or do you actually want me there.
Vaccinations at 20.4%
The vaccinations in Scotland are up to 20.4% of the population, roughly 1 in 5 people. That is the largest increase to date. My dad was one of the people to get vaccinated. The second dose still stands at 0.2% but hopefully that starts to rise in the next few weeks. Apparently the first dose number will slow down a bit for next week as they wait for a delivery to be made. They also say that the vaccine can take up to 3 weeks to take effect. I’m feeling more hopeful every week that we can all start living our lives a little more normally.
168 vaccinations have been given worldwide.