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Uncertainty

Anxious Heart

So I’ve decided to start naming some subheadings as names of soundtracks from the Final Fantasy series. Just for the reason that I think it looks kinda cool and a little creative. I don’t think I’ll delve too much into the actual video game series in these entries but the ‘Anxious Heart’ is definitely what I’m feeling at the moment. 

I had a mini anxiety attack earlier today (Tuesday). I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now although the thoughts are very different from last year. As I’m not even half way through the work week yet everything seemed to pile on when I arrived at work. I got extremely worried and I didn’t really ‘see the point’, nothing to do with actual work as I love my job. I was the first to arrive but was later than usual, I was filled with so much uncertainty of the day ahead (and also for the week ahead). Some members of my team are moving onto different jobs and I didn’t get one of the jobs. So, my temporary contract is due to finish in 4 weeks. I’m really starting to get worried. Tomorrow will be my last day with my full team as I have 2 days holiday for Thursday and Friday. Unfortunately I won’t be able to see everyone due to covid restrictions we are unable to all meet in the same room let alone arrange a night in the pub. It makes me a little sad. 

As of writing this I am sitting down a local park in my car at nearly 10pm. It’s not quite dark yet and I do enjoy the view here. This is one of the parks where I’ve regularly written many diary entries as I feel a little at piece here. I’ve been here with many different people, walks/adventures and just general catch ups especially during lockdown. This is where I came with Erin and Ben more than a year ago – before original lockdown. I wish I could go back to that moment and perhaps act a little differently. I think I did something wrong. I don’t know what to expect from the next 3-4 weeks at work as I will still be working with both of them. I sincerely hope we can be at least civil, although I would love it if we could all be friends. 

One of the reasons I really enjoy sitting down this park at night is that it’s never too busy. Cars come in and out with people doing the same as I am. There’s also many dog walkers and cute dogs to look at. Just general people watching and a reminder that the world is still turning even though it may not feel like it sometimes. 

Not only that, but I feel that I’m running out of time in the dating world. I’ve certainly been much more social these last few weeks but I still find it quite difficult to interact with new people and to form any new friendships. I feel like I have way more friends that I would have ever believed, especially my lonely feelings of last year. But sometimes great friendships aren’t enough to fully satisfy my life. I feel extremely unsatisfied and insecure. I enjoy coming out myself to go for long drives or to sit somewhere to clear my head, but I just wish I had someone significant to do that with. Although alone time will always be important to me. This 2021 diary will definitely be a turning point, as big changes are coming and I really don’t know what to expect. I just wish to make some progress and not fall back anymore than I already have. 

If this was in my last diary this would be an entry by itself, although I quite like the idea of writing throughout the week and uploading everything on a Friday. It keeps things a little more consistent and organised. I have to constantly remind myself the reasons for writing in my diary even if that means I constantly feel that I am repeating myself. I am full of determination to have a complete record of me on my website. 

Neck Pain

Earlier in the week, on Tuesday, I had a stiff neck and it was a little painful. It hurts when I look left (such as looking over my shoulder to check my blind spot when I’m driving) and over the course of the week it has gotten a little bit worse. I think my lymph node is a little swollen and I hope it passes soon. I’ve already ruled out it being covid (although it is not a symptom, I don’t have a cough/fever or a loss in taste/smell) as I have done 2 lateral flow tests, one on Tuesday and one today (Friday).

As I did previously with my stomach pain back in February I think it is important to record these things. There’s a high chance it is probably nothing but just in case it develops over the next week or so. It might be forgotten about by then and I am certainly not a hypochondriac but as everyone knows googling symptoms always brings out the worst.  

First Shopping Trip 2021

My first shopping trip of the year and it was payday. Rachel and I had plans to go to Wagamama, our favourite Japanese restaurant and we decided to go for a shopping trip as well. I was so excited to get out into the shopping mall and go to HMV (having a look at the CDs and possibly buy some anime or video games). I was a little disappointed as I didn’t see anything I wanted. Probably the first time I’ve stepped foot in there without buying anything. I did get a little annoyed as people seem to find it difficult to follow the one-way arrows on staying to the proper side of the walk ways.  I also felt a little agitated wearing my mask in the indoor mall but it has just become a part of normal life now.

I went into lush, the smelly store that sells all those nice handmade cosmetics. I spent a little over £70 on body wash, shampoo, moisturiser and a bath bomb. I want to make more of an effort in my appearance and I am feeling great already.

Vaccinations at 58.5% (36.1%)

Unfortunately cases of covid have increased quite a lot over the last week or so and the ‘R number’ is now between 1.0 and 1.3 and I am a little worried what the next few weeks will have in store for us. I’m very unsure what will happen next month, as the Prime Minister, Boris, suggests 21st June will be a date that all legal limits on social distancing will be over such as the 2 meter distance and wearing of masks. In Scotland in the next week or so we may move to level 1 restrictions. Though, I think more easing of restrictions will have to wait.

The only positives that I’m clinging onto the high number of vaccinations in Scotland with more than half of the entire Scottish population having at least 1 dose of the vaccine. I am also getting my vaccine in the next few weeks but I have a date and a time already. I think that the most important thing for me right now is to focus on the positives such as the death average being at 0.5 (7 day average) and the low number of hospital admissions. 

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