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Repeat

Hospital 

It is currently 2am on Sunday night/Monday. I don’t know how to put this into words but I’m going to try. I had to take my dad to the hospital as he was having pain down his left side and the pain has been there for around 3-4 weeks but tonight it became unbearable. He is currently spending the night in hospital and we will get more news tomorrow morning. I hope it’s nothing too serious but they have mention fluid in his lung, or perhaps a collapsed lung. We will yet learn more. 

I am currently sitting in the bath, perhaps a little too much information, but I want everything else to remain as normal as possible. I had my Sunday pamper night planned for a while now so I used my bath bomb from lush; didn’t quite get around to doing face masks and I can’t be bothered shaving my face – but that’s not important. 

It was just a normal Sunday. I slept in until around 12/1pm as I had a late night gaming session. My parents went to visit my sister and nephew at a park half-way between our houses as it was a really nice day. I’m a little gutted I wasn’t awake to go but it was last minute plans and I enjoyed my gaming session. My parents ordered Chinese for tea and I done my usual, after food I had a cigarette and then went back to my PS4. My mum shouts up the stairs to me and I paused my game to see what she was wanting. She told me that she was taking my dad to the hospital as his pain is getting worse. My dad clearly didn’t want to go and thought it would pass, so he wanted to go for a cigarette to see how he felt. So we sat in the back garden for a few minutes before he decided he had to go. We got our shoes on and I started my car up, making sure we had all my dads medication with us just in case. 

I drove almost 90mph to get to the hospital and we arrived a little before 6pm. My mum and dad both went in, I parked the car and waiting in the car for what felt like forever. Texting my mum asking if there was any updates. Eventually she told me just to come in as there was other people waiting, as covid restrictions had been lifted a little unlike last time I was here. My had had already seen the triage nurse and he told me he was just waiting for an available cubicle. I don’t even know how long we waited for but it felt like forever. I sat in between my mum and dad, watching everyone else in the waiting room. There was so many different age groups in here, including a couple brought in by the police. Then, a doctor called out my dads name and he left, he was able to walk by himself without need of a wheel chair like the first time we came. 

I decided to go for a cigarette out the front of the hospital as the waiting room was far too hot. I bought a cold drink for me and my mum to share. After my cigarette, I sat in the same spot. We waited for just over an hour before the same doctor came back out and called out ‘family of dads name’, and then we proceeded to walk through to the little diagnosis room. We were unable to see him due to covid restrictions on the ward. The doctor explained to us that he had done X-rays and they think it could be a fluid in his lung, or a collapsed lung, that they had taken blood and sent it off for testing and that it may be a while so we were best just to go home. He told us that my dad was saying he wanted to go home, but they had attached pain killers through a drip so he was best staying. 

When my mum and I got back to my car at 10pm, I called my sister straight away and we spoke to her to tell her what had happened. When I went for my earlier cigarette I had text her husband to let him know. I didn’t want to text my sister directly in case she was breast feeding and I’m not very good at breaking bad news. Of course she is worried, but I am so glad we let her know as soon as it happened. I want to tell her everything along the way as she has every right to know. 

When I got home I went for another cigarette and my mum and I put out both of the wheelie bins for tomorrows collection. My mum made something to eat before she went to bed and I returned to my PS4 as I just left it on pause. Not really feeling like gaming but I wanted a distraction for a chance to reflect on things. The hospital called just after 11pm and that’s when they told us to call back ‘late morning’ as that’s when they will know more. We both hope he will get out tomorrow but a part of me is a little unsure. 

Contemplating whether or not I wanted to go in the bath. I was going to just have a quick shower but, I know this sounds crazy, I want things to be as normal as possible. I’ve already been speaking to Lisa, Rachel and Dani throughout the evening and I told Dani that I want to still go for our old work mini reunion to Nandos. I will also still be going into work tomorrow. I need a distraction and I need normality. I don’t know what the outcome will be but I may or may not write anymore of this in my diary, I don’t want that pressure hanging over me. But again, I felt the need to write about this so badly. Now, I need to get out of the bath and have a shower before I make something to eat before I sleep. 

Do I ever think of dying?

Before I write any more, this post is not a cry for help, just some thoughts. It is Monday at 2030 hours and I drove to the park where I regularly write. I am exhausted but had to get out of the house. I think I am beginning to write more as my dad is still in hospital and I’m unsure when he will get out, though my mum remains ever optimistic. I felt that being in the house was suffocating me and I’m not really in the mood to socialise so once again I will confide in myself. 

I was dreading going into work today. Not just because I only had 2-3 hours sleep but because I was working with Ben. I’ve barely spoken to him since before Christmas but today it was just the two of us. When I got into work I told my boss that my dad was in hospital and that I would like to keep myself busy although I considered calling in sick. Luckily Ben was able to drive today so I didn’t have to concentrate too much on directions and remembering how to drive. Besides everything that has happened these last few days I want to write a little about my day, as trivial as this may seem. 

We made small talk. First place we went to we had to go for a little walk around the building to find the entrance and I followed him. I was nervous. I had nothing to say. I let him take the lead. When we got back to the van I got a little more chatty. At the second place we visited I felt like I took a bigger lead, first walking in, doing all the talking, asking for help to move a piece of furniture! When we were leaving a bird done a massive shit next to where we walked, those are the weird things I feel the need to write about. I asked him if he would take me through the McDonalds drive through for lunch to get a happy meal for Pokémon cards. He didn’t mind at all, I asked if he wanted anything but he had his lunch with him. I really enjoyed sitting in the van having lunch with him. The third and final site visit of the day was just a 5-10 minute job and I wish it could have been longer so I could spend more time with him. The drive back to our base he asked me a strange question, ‘Do you ever think of dying?’ I was shocked and speechless. Then he laughed and said that wasn’t a threat. 

I didn’t lie to him and I told him that I’ve definitely thought about it. But that I believe those that really want to die in fact just want to live a better life. I think I could probably write 1,000’s of words on my thoughts but I’ll refrain from doing that. The conversation felt a little like the one we had last March, the day lockdown was officially announced. I wish that we had longer to chat about it as I really want to know exactly what goes on in his head, I feel that we are on very similar wavelengths. I also feel that history is repeating and not in such a good way. I really really really wish we could be friends and hang outside of work again sometime. I wish we could be more than just friends but now is not the time to think of that. 

This is the second day in a row I have written in my diary. I have a mini ex-work reunion tomorrow (4 of us in total) and I really want to write about that as well. I feel the need to write is important right now but still as dedicated to only upload my diary on a Friday. Now, it is 9pm and I want to go to the supermarket for fuel and then go to the car wash as my car is filthy. So much bird shit! I also ran out of screen wash. 

Reunion

As it’s almost midnight on Tuesday 1st June 2021, I wanted to write something to continue my little daily writing streak. Today was quite an eventful day! But in such a good way. 

I got into work just like every other morning. Everything seemed okay. I was working with Erin but had to text her before we met to tell her my dad was in hospital as I didn’t really want to talk about it but to warn her that I may be a little off and possibly on edge. I may get a little frustrated or be silent but I didn’t mean anything by it, she understood. The morning went a lot better than expected but decided to open up a little at lunch time. I tried to be as calm as possible and I managed to get the things off my chest that I needed to. After lunch we met up with Ben and another colleague for a job and that cheered me up a lot. 

I forgot to mention that our job has been extended by a few more months so that means we will have to work together more and I don’t want any sort of unwelcome atmosphere filling the air at work. I need to try and remain the best possible version of myself, especially at work. I hope that we can rebuild friendships in the coming weeks, I enjoy our team effort and it really does make me feel great inside. 

I had a dinner date with 2 ex-work colleagues, Dani and another close colleague that I haven’t properly spoken to since I left at the start of 2020. I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t nervous because I was, but those feelings quickly faded. Dani and I had talked about going to Nandos for about 3-4 years and this was us finally getting the chance to do so. I value her friendship a lot as with my other ex-colleague as well. I hope we can do more things together real soon! Also, I have a small crush on one of the waiters at Nandos as he always serves my table, he is so pleasant, I think he’s been there for a few years now. 

As I sat in the back of the car heading through to Nandos I received a phone call from my mum. She told me that she was just about to pick up my dad from the Hospital. He was coming home! He spent only 2 nights in the hospital but it felt a lot longer, memories came flooding back of the many weeks during hard lockdown last year where he just wasn’t at home. I don’t know how my mum was able to cope, she is so optimistic about everting and refuses to think about any possible bad outcome. Although my dad got out, the hospital didn’t actually do anything, they don’t know what’s wrong and he got a few scans done and needs to go back in 2 weeks. I told him that they obviously don’t think it’s mega serious otherwise he would stay in for longer. I can definitely tell he’s glad to be home and we are all so glad he is here with us. 

I don’t think I have anything else to add to this part of my diary but it has certainly been a reunion in many senses. Old work colleagues, working closely with my current smaller team, and of course my dad coming home! I’m going to take a shower before I sleep as I start work earlier tomorrow. I’m kind of excited to see Ben again. I might bring him a can of juice in the morning. I also don’t have very many plans for the rest of this week so hopefully I can have a chilled evening soon. 

Vaccinations at 60.9% (39.7%)

To be completely honest I think I have written so much during this week that I’m not entirely sure what else to add apart from the vaccination status. Another steady increase from this time last week although case rates have increased a lot! Almost 1,000 cases today and yet most of Scotland are moving down to level 1 restrictions tomorrow. I don’t really want to talk very much about lockdown in this weeks entry as I think it is too soon to tell what is going to happen in the future. I will possible write more about it next week. As for now, I am in a good place and I feel my life is on an upward trend to happiness. But I guess we’ll see what has yet to come. As this week has felt a repeat of some of the previous lockdown diary entries from last year but, again, I don’t want to focus too much on that just now.

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