I am writing this on Tuesday 8th as this has been on my mind all day at work. Schrödingers’s Cat, a thought experiment that I will explain to what my knowledge of this concept is. Inside a box contains a cat and a vial of poison is shattered inside with the press of a button. Until the box is opened the cat is simultaneously alive and dead but only when the box is opened the cat could either be alive or dead. The concept appears in many sci-fi and time travel anime and movies that I’ve watched. I wanted to write a little about a ‘letter’ that I received today. All I could think of the entire day at work was Schrodinger’s Letter.
Last night, on Monday, I sent Ben a text saying I was in his town and that I wanted to go to KFC if he fancied it as I don’t really want to go there myself. I spent about 15 minutes writing 2 short sentences but when I sent it I sat in my car with the music down low and awaited a reply that never came, the message wasn’t even read. I pushed it out of my mind and I wasn’t really thinking about too much until the next morning.
I arrived at work a few minutes before him and when he arrived he walked to the opposite side of the room. I felt a little awkward. I was planning on acting casual and maybe mention the message I sent to him and ask if he wanted to go to KFC at some point. But, everybody else walked in and then we had to leave to get on with our day. He walked past the desk I was sitting at and placed a folded piece of paper directly in front of me. I sneakily picked it up thinking he may not want anyone to see it and I put it in my pocket. I wanted to read it as soon as possible.
There was 2 vans going out today with the entire team, Ben got in the other van and Erin was in my van although I wasn’t driving. Erin got into the van first and she sat in the back so I had to get into the front. I didn’t want to read the letter if she was able to get a glimpse of it. I wanted to sit in the back so that I could get a little privacy. We stopped off just before our destination so that we could all get a coffee, although I just had a cigarette. We didn’t speak. I still felt nervous. Throughout the day we were walking around a little and I wanted to walk near to him but I couldn’t quite form any words. I kept thinking about this letter that was in my pocket as there could have been so many things it could have said but every possibility existed.
Firstly I was kind of hoping it was a love letter. The possibility definitely existed whilst the letter remained in my pocket. Perhaps he felt the same way I do and was too shy to confess his feelings. Maybe he was going to ask me on a date and tell me that he was in love with me. He was probably a little scared to confess his feelings as he’s a little anxious about what the outcome would be.
Second possibility that was going through my mind was that he liked me but just very shy around me. Maybe he was going to apologise for not replying and wanted to ask me to hang at some point. He might have wanted to go on an adventure with me somewhere and play some video games with me at some point. I would really like that as well.
Another possibility was that it was going to be a letter to tell me that he only likes me as a friend and that I would ‘need to get over him’ and he was being nasty to be kind. A kind of way to put me down gently. Perhaps it was going to be gentle let down.
Finally, the possibility of a nasty letter, not so politely to tell me to leave him alone. Perhaps he was going to tell me how much I disgust him and how creepy he thinks I am. The letter could be explaining to me how he just wants to be as professional as possible as we need to work together but as soon as the working day is over, we become strangers.
Whatever could have been in this letter was eating away at me. I had already gone the entire day with this letter in my pocket with endless possibilities and outcomes. Before we got back into the vans to head back I went into the bathroom. I stood inside the cubicle for a few minutes and I thought about just not reading the letter until I got home as I needed the courage to even remove it from my pocket. I decided just to go for it. I removed it from my pocket and I could see some sort of writing, it was typed.
I slowly opened this letter and it was just instructions from one of the tasks at work we have been doing. It wasn’t a letter. It was nothing. I felt so stupid. I felt like a fool. Overthinking so much that I could even believe it could have been a letter to begin with. I walked out of the bathroom trying to be as normal as possible. None of my colleagues could have guessed what has been on my mind and yet it was causing me so much anxiety. I just wanted to punch him, hug him, or just talk to him. I feel that I’m beginning to have all these emotions and I don’t know what to do with them so I just write about them.
I understand I need to face reality. I cannot keep doing this to myself as it is not healthy. I fear that I can’t even keep writing about things like this and yet this is probably the topic I write about the most, Ben. I have so much potential to offer to any future partner of mine but I have all these negative obsessive-like thoughts. I feel so comfortable when I’m working with him or even just thinking about him. He brings me a sense of peace and serenity. He is honestly the most beautiful guy I have ever laid eyes on and yet a voice in my head that says ‘he’s far too good for you’, or ‘get over it’, but I can’t help the way I feel. I also can’t help not being able to speak freely about my feelings. One of my reasons I have for keeping my diary in the first place.
Speaking about letters, I read the letter that I wrote to him on 31st March 2020. A time when I wrote a lot of letters to people that I would never send. A part of me wants to give him that letter and another part wants to write him a new letter. That might not be a good idea as it could backfire at me. I’ve not decided what I will do yet but I have 2 choices. I either keep all this bottled inside and maybe keep writing about it in my diary. Or, I tell him how I feel. I don’t know how I’m going to do that as I feel like I’ve already shown my obsessiveness to him but then I don’t really know what he is thinking. Working together alone with him last week felt so good. I just wish we could hang outside of work to see if we get on well.
Over the last week I have a new found fascination with time-lapse videos. I have already taken quite a few videos that I absolutely love. From the tide coming in at the beach, the sun setting, the blowing wind through the trees and the movement of the clouds alongside some stunning environments around where I live. I think a short ‘moving photograph’ is much more interesting than any photo or video could ever show. Most of the time lapses I have taken are with a ratio of 1 minute to 1 second, so that by sitting next to my iPhone and tripod for 30 minutes I will get a 30 second time lapse video. Also, by doing these time lapse videos gives me a chance to socialise outdoors with my friends although I am more than willing to go out by myself to do this if need be.
I’ve watched quite a few time lapse video on YouTube and I really enjoy watching them. My favourite video was from the Isle of Skye in Scotland and I would love if I could try and recreate something similar. My video might not be as great as I feel my video editing skills may not be all that great but I am more than determined to give it a go. Perhaps this could allow me to show off my part of the world with everyone else. I may post a mixture of time lapse videos, normal speed videos and the odd photograph, I haven’t quite decided yet. I may not even make a video but for now I will just enjoy creating my time lapse videos.
I’m not really sure if I should be writing about this. Rachel and I spent the evening outdoors together doing a time lapse video and generally catching up. She had told me she had wanted to walk along to Forth Road Bridge and I told her that I have been there many times. Rachel was driving and I gave her directions to the car park. The weather wasn’t that cold for being near 10pm as I forgot to bring a jacket or hoodie with me so I was left in my t-shirt. It was a nice short walk, though we had no intention of walking over the bridge just a little bit to get a few photographs and enjoy the view. There is a car park on the north side of the bridge that I know of and there is a path to walk down to the bridge. Although, you need to walk under the bridge to be able to cross as they seem to keep one side of the bridge closed to pedestrians and cyclists.
Rachel commented on someone that was standing and she asked me if I thought he was alright. He had been standing ever since he came into her sight. We discussed what we were going to do as we approached him. Do we try and speak to him and ask if he’s okay as he looks like he was thinking about jumping. We were getting closer and I started to panic a little. As we were almost within talking distance, the maintenance van came along the path, 4 men got out and they surrounded the boy. He looked as if he could be my age although I didn’t get a close enough look. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but we continued to walk. Further up the path there was a part of the bridge covered in padlocks as they made a metallic sound in the wind. We looked back and seen a police van pull into the path so we decided to walk back because we were getting very cold. The police spoke to him and they thankfully managed to get him inside the van. Rachel and I walked back to her car and we drove home.
I wasn’t really sure whether or not to write about the boy on the bridge but it has been on my mind. I have no idea what he was thinking or if even he was thinking. I know that people that contemplate suicide don’t really want to die, I think about that sort of scenario a lot, not about suicide but dying in general. I just want to write here that if anything had happened and he did fall, I would have been sad! If he was thinking that nobody would have missed him or that nobody would even care that he was gone, I would care. These are not just empty generic words, I care and I hope you all the best. Perhaps in some strange chance you could be reading this in the future. Another thing, please don’t be ashamed. I’m always here if you need to speak.
I really want to read some of the things I wrote throughout 2019 as I wrote quite a lot of worrying things. It wasn’t a suicide note but a ‘just in case anything happened’ note. Sometimes I am afraid of the moment of weakness when nothing seems positive. I can’t remember the feelings I had at that time but I do remember it wasn’t exactly a great time. I know that I never want to feel that way again, though I have felt close throughout these days throughout lockdown. I actually want to attempt to post all those diary entries and letters online at some point although I think some editing may be required.
I started playing a new video game last weekend, Forager, an adventure/survival indie game. I think I will have finished by tomorrow as it isn’t a very large game. I had seen the game a few years ago and discovered it was available as physical disk version (I prefer physical media) and it wasn’t too expensive. I don’t have very much to say about this game but I felt it was important to add into my diary. I hope to play a lot more games that are similar to Forager and I hope to be able to purchase them physically.
Vaccinations at 63.3% (43.5%)
With an R number between 1.2 and 1.4 in Scotland, things are not looking too well. The cases and hospital admissions in Scotland are on the rise and I am a little worried. Although it seems to be cases amongst those that are not fully vaccinated. I think the important number to watch for now is the 43.5% of the entire Scottish population that have received both vaccine doses.
This weekend I will receive my first dose of the vaccine. I hope I don’t faint, I hate needles.
Every entry in this diary, since my third entry, has the heading ‘Vaccinations at x% (x%) and the number is brackets is the both vaccination doses. I’m not really sure if I’m making sense as I am getting very sleepy but I just want to mention this before I forget. Boris Johnson, the Prime Minster, is to make a statement on TV on Monday in terms of restrictions. I think the reopening may be delayed in England as now it is supposed to be 21st June but that may be the middle of July now.