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PlayStation 5

This post isn’t specifically about the PlayStation 5 although I did manage to get my hands on one. I was extremely lucky as they seem to be selling out so fast as they came out in November last year. Now it is all set up and looks so nice under my 4K television that I specifically bought at the start in January 2020 to prepare myself for 4K gaming. 

As with any new piece of technology I receive I wanted to show it off to my dad. I downloaded Final Fantasy VII remake as the DLC is only playable on the new console. It had taken a little while to download so I decided to go for a cigarette and I asked my dad if he wanted to see my console set up. He came upstairs and sat down next to my bed to watch the opening cutscene. 

My dad played Final Fantasy VII back when he received the original PlayStation console for Christmas 1997 and this was one of the first games he played. Although the console was his, my sister and I were able to play on it as much as we wanted. He stopped playing at the end of disk 1 – if you’ve played the game you might understand why. But for the first of many hours my sister and I would sit around and watch him play until I became better at playing than him and helped him kill many bosses! 

When Final Fantasy VII remake first came out last year on Friday 10th April, I originally expected lockdown to be lifted on the Monday afterwards. I feel a little stupid thinking it would only last 3 short weeks, although even that felt like a lifetime last year. When I started playing the remake last year unfortunately my dad wasn’t here as he was in hospital. So I never got a chance to show him as with every Final Fantasy game I’ve played I always ask him if he wants to watch the opening cutscene with me. So, I played the opening cutscene for him and we watched together in fantastic 4K quality. 

I am so lucky. Not just that I managed to buy myself a PS5 but that I got to experience watching the cutscene with him. He watched a little bit of gameplay and it seems to be a game he would want to play, as he isn’t really into the old style anymore with random encounters, he prefers more action adventure RPG games. I hope the game comes to PC in the near future. 

I haven’t played very much of my PS5 console since I got it earlier in the week. I just have low motivation to play anything. I don’t really know what I have to motivation for, doesn’t seem like very much. Hopefully I play something over the weekend. At least I am prepared for next generation gaming and hopefully over the next few months I can buy myself some new games.

First of July

The first day of July has always been a very special day for me. I’m not entirely sure why but I have always personally celebrated the date. I always try to be in the best mood possible and do something to mark the occasion. The first 6 months of the year are over and usually if my new years resolutions have failed I attempt to make some new ones although the 2021 resolutions are still going strong. 

Last year I visited a special place. It was also day 100 of lockdown. This year hasn’t been as special and I feel extremely stupid. Work was awful after I set an unachievable goal of determining to have a good day. I didn’t get my lunch at work and my mood turned completely sour. I had booked 2 tickets to the cinema to see a movie that I had wanted to see for a while and the cinema was limited to just 1 day viewing. I had booked the tickets thinking I could find someone to come with me but I failed. Instead of going to the cinema I spent my evening in my bed feeling sorry for myself. A part of me wishes that I never booked the tickets as I wasted my money but I also made no effort to give my tickets away to someone else that may have wanted to see the movie. I miss going to the cinema so much and I was really looking forward to going, I even considered going by myself. But a part of me felt that may be a little sad. Although it’s probably just as sad not going and I probably could have tried harder to get someone to come with me. 

Is it so wrong to thinking so positive? All I want is a string a good mood days where I’m happy and stable. Perhaps I should genuinely lower my expectations a little. 

My Last Therapy

I started therapy last year, around May time, as I was feeling as if my mental health was getting on top of me a little bit. This week I had my last therapy session. I’m not going to lie, I feel a little scared that I don’t have that anymore but feel that it is the right time. I wanted to write a little bit about how it all started. 

A friend, not wanting to mention any names, told me that I should get therapy and that I shouldn’t be ashamed. My mood was at one of the lowest points it had ever been and I didn’t know what else to do. I cried so hard just wishing that I stopped existing, I didn’t want to die I just wanted to be happy. Things were very difficult for me, as with many others, when lockdown first came down and I didn’t know what to do as I had lost complete control over everything. Spending my entire day in my bedroom, sitting up in bed, unable to speak to anybody or do anything, I wished everything would just be over. It was too hard to speak to anyone online about how I felt. 

I found a website that offered therapy from trained professionals and at first I was a little sceptical but I had nothing to lose. I had already wasted enough money online, why not waste it on something that could help. Now, I don’t regret a single penny I spent as it was certainly worth it. 

Overwhelmed by the signing up, I grabbed my credit card and entered my details. It asked me for my home address and telephone number and the last time i had suicidal thoughts. I was honest. I had to agree that if I said something that was alarming or concerning, if I told them I was on the verge or I was in any emergency situation, they would send the appropriate authorities. At first I didn’t want to sign up because of that, I wasn’t going to do anything like that, I don’t know what I felt at that point but I entered every detail through my wet eyes. I received 50% off for the first 3 months. That was me done. I was cured. I feel as if that was the hardest part… but I gave myself a lifeline. 

I was too afraid to actually speak to my therapist at first. I had the choice between text only or video call. I received a message from them. But I ignored it at first. It had taken me over a week to send my first message. Now, more than a year later, my therapist and I have both decided now is a good enough time to stop. Although I can always go back whenever I feel like it. 

My first therapy session was not as bad as I thought it would be. You don’t even need a reason to ask for therapy it could just simply be started due to a friends suggestion. It could also range in terms of length from just a few weeks to months or years. The most difficult part is starting because after that I was actually looking forward to it. 

There was a little tab that I could keep a journal of my feelings. That was an important for me. I find it too hard to open up and speak honestly in a face to face situation and sometimes I feel that I don’t wish to put pressure on anybody else. I’ve always enjoyed writing in my diaries for as long as I can remember and that’s what led me to writing my 2021 diary. This is the half-way point of my New Years resolution and a part of me wants to stop now as my therapy sessions have stopped but I will see this through to the very end. This is my 27th entry of my diary with another 26 to go. When I am complete I will keep this in the corner of the internet for anybody to read. Honestly, by writing like this, my journal has helped so much in organising my emotions. Like my therapy sessions, I won’t be writing in this forever. 

My Friday 

Today has been a day mixed with good and bad emotions and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. We decided at work that It would a casual dress code day and our boss said that if the weather was good we could go to the beach for lunch. The weather wasn’t as great so he took us out to a little cafe where we sat at an outdoor table for lunch. I really enjoyed it. I got to sit next to Ben and that made me really happy. Because I find it so difficult to speak properly about my feelings, instead I blow him hot and cold, I am quite nasty sometimes, I wrote a little note that said ‘hi, can we be friends’. I kept the note in my pocket all day and I wanted to give it to him. 

Ben blows me hot and cold generally, it depends on his mood how he treats me, sometimes he says hi other times he ignores me. Sometimes he is full of conversation and  other times it feels like taking blood from a stone. Sometimes I just want to scream, but that would be completely unprofessional, why is this bothering me so much. I’ve told myself every single day this week that I will do something about it. I don’t know what to do though. There’s a part of me that just wants to cut him off completely and I want to give him the cold shoulder. Find a way to make him despise me. If I became someone that he hated I could just get over my feelings, but when he’s nice to me I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. He definitely crosses my mind more than he should. 

I’ve come to the final decision that I will get this out for good. I will write a letter. Much like the letters that I wrote last March/April to many people that will never receive those letters. But that helped me get my feelings out and let me express myself a little. I have decided I will hand write this letter over the weekend and if I decide to give him it on Monday I can finally get over this obstacle/obsession. That is my deadline. If I don’t give him the letter I will just try and destroy every feeling I have for him. I think that would be the right thing to do. 

Vaccinations 

The current vaccination status in Scotland is relatively well. 70.1% of the entire Scottish population has received the first dose of a vaccine (86% of Scottish adults). 50.1% of the entire Scottish population has received both doses (61.6% of Scottish adults). Although the number of daily cases is rapidly rising with over 4,200 cases reported yesterday and the number of people in hospital is also increasing. Deaths are still low. 

I have decided to stop with the heading of ‘vaccinations at x% (x%)’ as I know that our vaccination figures are going in the right direction. I need to stop obsessing so much over the fine details as we exit lockdown as it is causing me so much anxiety. Of course I will still write about the easing of the restrictions and how that may affect me and my friends/family. But I feel that this is the right place to stop on the half way point of my 2021 diary. 

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