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Feeling Low

My Feelings

It has just turned midnight on Friday 16th June and I’m laying on my bed with a face mask on. It’s one of those sheet hydrating masks that I’ve used a few times before as I feel that I had to pamper myself a little. I just came out the shower and had a hair mask repair cream in as well, not sure if my hair really needs it but I wanted to try it. I’ve been feeling very low lately. 

I’ve decided to not include anything in this entry about my anxiety as I had written some stuff but it has been so mentally draining that I feel now would not be a good time, I will post more next Friday. Although I am feeling so low I am trying my best to stay more positive it has become extremely difficult. 

I got to work with Ben today (well, yesterday, sort of) and that made me so happy. It was a very busy day but I got to drive him a lot. I got a little upset last week when plans changed at work and I wasn’t working with him. He really does make my job so much more enjoyable. I wish I could work every day with him! I really hope I get to drive him again today (Friday) as I’ve asked him to make a CD for the work vehicle as there’s no Bluetooth and we both hate the radio. I just wish I could tell him exactly how I feel. There was something about him today that just made my heart melt a little bit – or it was probably the weather. 

Also I would like to add that my appetite hasn’t been all that great lately. When I’m feeling low I avoid food. I haven’t been eating properly lately and usually skip lunch when I’m at work. An older man on my team offered me a sandwich that he brought in, I know he didn’t bring it in specifically for me but I was so happy that he offered it to me. I used to be the person that brought extra lunch in with me just in case. I’m very thankful for that and it was certainly appreciated.  

Hello New Me

I’ve decided I want to change my image a little bit. I bought myself some hair dye and Lisa is going to help me dye my hair. It’s a ‘steel’ colour, which is kind of blueish grey and I’m a little unsure if it’ll work on my dark hair. I couldn’t find the hair dye I wanted that is a black that looks blue under certain lights, if the steel doesn’t work out I will need to find the blue. I haven’t dyed my hair in such a long time and I think I’m a little too old to have crazy colours such as bright blue, pink or purple! I want to look good and not like a rebellious teen. I really hope it looks good on me whatever happens. 

I would also like to get myself some new clothes and some nice new trainers. I only have one pair of trainers and one pair of work shoes. I may try and head out shopping this weekend or just get some stuff online. I usually wear quite plain clothes but I would like something with maybe a few colours in it. A nice fitted hoodie as well as I want someone to want to wear it, like when I meet a guy boy that wants to wear my hoodie because it smells like me. Maybe I could steal Ben’s hoodie!

Not only do I want to make physical changes, I would like to become someone that I want to hang out with. I feel that I need to change myself a little to find myself a partner. I get that they say you shouldn’t change yourself for anyone, but that hasn’t helped me so far. I wish I could be the nice approachable guy that I used to be. But just small steps to begin. 

Cinema

I’m going to the cinema Friday night with Nicola and Paul. The movie we are going to see, escape room, isn’t really the sort of thing I would go to the cinema for but I might like it. I love going to the cinema so much especially at night time. I don’t really enjoy watching movies myself but Andy and I watched a lot of movies together and were at the cinema multiple times a month. 

My First Boyfriend

Earlier in the week I met up with my first ever boyfriend. I guess we have always been friends but we have been saying for years that we would need to hang and catch up. He was my first boyfriend and I was only 16. He was my second kiss. We didn’t have anything in common and we were only together for about 3 weeks. I think I told him I loved him over the phone and he told me he had to go and then we broke up the next day. Looking back we were just kids and I was never truly mad at him for it. 

He’s been married for a while and they have recently moved into a new built house with a mortgage. I’m a little envious but I am so happy for him. I visited his house in the evening for a few hours we didn’t have anything planned but we were both a little bored and it just sort of happened. I really do enjoy last minute plans. I’m not really sure if we’ll meet again anytime soon as we don’t have very much in common but we just spoke about ‘the old times’ and the people we used to know. 

The Week Ahead

So it’s 00:35 and I should probably try and get some sleep. I’ve really enjoyed writing this diary entry as sometimes I forget and do it last minute on a Friday. I feel more organised and more positive. I think this weekend I will go somewhere nice by myself if I don’t make plans with anyone. It’s also a bank holiday on Monday so I get the day off work. I’ve also been playing my PS5 a little although I don’t have any PS5 games yet. I don’t want to make my expectations too high as that will just lead to disappointment but I want to be satisfied. I better get this face mask off as it’s only supposed to be on for 10-15 minutes. Until next Friday when I will write again. 

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