Over the last week I have felt more alive that I have since I can’t even remember. Currently working very hard at work as we have a deadline to meet. The job involves a lot of heavy lifting and running up and down stairs and the weather is also far too hot. Even when I’m not doing any work, on a break or the drive to/from work, the sweat is still dripping off my face! The slight pain in my legs is a reminder that I am in fact still alive.
Not only that, I have been working quite closely with Ben this last week. We can both drive but somehow I’m the one driving him to and from the site, around 40 minutes from base, and I’m not complaining. I really enjoy driving him around, it kind of sets me up to have a good day even when it’s quite a busy day. I asked him to bring in some CDs and I’ve enjoyed everything he has played.
Although when I get home from work some days I feel a little dead. It’s probably part exhaustion but I think there’s something else in there as well. I feel there is a lack of satisfaction and though I do my best to fill my evenings with meet ups with friends or perhaps just a drive somewhere to clear my mind. Some nights I don’t feel like doing anything but lay in my quiet bedroom hiding away from the world. I can’t even get the energy to play my PS5 although I do sometimes even if it’s for an hour. Every day at work with Ben, the thought kind of crosses my mind, that we could maybe do something after work. Eat out, play video games, go for a walk or drive, just whatever.
This guy genuinely makes me feel alive. He gives me some sort of excitement to get myself up in the morning, to make an effort, put on my best t-shirt, shower and wash my face. I just want to try and be the best version of myself as possible for him. It’s not that I wish he was my boyfriend (although that would be nice), I just want to be friends. Play some video games, drink together and maybe eat out once in a while.
I really didn’t want to fill this diary with my latest crush (which has been a crush for about 18 months). Of course I’ve attempted to date in that time but I haven’t met someone that makes me feel the way he does. I know that I need to do something about this soon before it destroys me. I don’t think things are going to work out in my favour but for now it’s the only reality I feel any sort of contentment in.
A Flying Swan
Wednesday at work Ben and I were walking back to the car to get lunch when we seen a rather large bird in the sky. At first we thought it was a goose but it was a lot bigger and making a sound that I had never heard before. I can’t even describe it. It was a flying swan. This might sound a little stupid but I never even knew they could fly. I knew they can fly at low altitudes over a pond, but this was actually in the sky flying over trees.
It was a little surreal. I felt like Ash Ketchum in the first episode of Pokemon when he sees Ho-oh fly over the rainbow. I believe it to symbolise good luck and perhaps the sign of something good to come. I’m so happy I was able to witness that with someone. I want to experience more little things like this. But the fact it was unexpected made it so much more awesome.
I just want to be important. Like, I know how important I am and the value of my life. But I want to be important to someone else, a number 1, someone’s priority. I can’t deny that I do have awesome friends, but that will never compare to having a life partner. I get a little jealous of seeing couples together on social media or even in public. I want that. Even all the ‘bad’ stuff that comes with it such as paying bills and mortgages.
I don’t have very much to look forward to at the moment. My main focus was getting through the lockdown period. I don’t even look forward to coming into work anymore as I have lost all motivation of any sort of progression and advancement. I feel as if everything has stopped and I’m still in the exact same place, thought that is not true I have certainly come a long way since this time last year. I think it is important to have something to look forward to. I have lost all interest in my hobbies. I’ve only played on my PS5 once for a few hours.
You know that feeling of dread when you go to sleep at night. It’s been a bad day and you’re a little bit depressed. I’ve had that for a few days now. The only thing is each day it seems to get worse. One day I might wake up and magically be happy but somehow I doubt that. I know that they say you need to make changes today in order to make those changes for tomorrow, but it’s too hard. All I have right now is my diary to write in.
(This was from a note found in my Notes app. I wrote it a few weeks ago I think but felt that now would be a good time as any to post it. I will probably post more in future diary entries.)
My Anxiety: Earliest Memory
My earliest memory of having anxiety was in my early teens. My curtains remained closed at all times as I was afraid of anyone seeing inside my room. I know that I wasn’t on the ground floor so it was pretty impossible but I had all those weird feelings that if my curtains were open somebody could see me. I feel that sometimes people may be watching and and judging me. If a friend came to visit and opened my blinds I would hide. Thinking back it sounds extremely pathetic but I was scared to be in public.
Walking home from school I used to have to hide from the school buses driving past. I was usually half way home by the time they passed and I would feel that everybody on the busses would see me and I got nervous. I do understand that I’m not that important for everyone to look out for me, but I didn’t want to be laughed at. I just wanted to blend into the background at school but that was impossible because everybody knew I was gay since I was about 12/13 years old.
I have so many memories of times that I would like to write about. It seems too difficult to speak about them now as they seem so insignificant but all that has had some sort of affect on me now. I genuinely believe that by writing about all this will help me. If the last 18 months have taught me anything about truly confiding in myself then what do I have to lose.
My Anxiety: Eating
I’m an extremely anxious eater. I have some memories of being at school and eating by myself. Not that I had no friends but I would choose to hide myself in the corner and then try and socialise when I was finished. I would never eat very much when I went out with the family for dinner.
Some times when I got bullied at school I just wouldn’t eat. I would walk around the inside of the school building to avoid the cafeteria and just skip lunch altogether. In a sense that gave me some kind of control back into my life. Although I didn’t really understand much about it then. I was extremely underweight throughout high school and my parents were a little worried. I never spoke to anyone about it as I would just sat I was fine. Some days, back then, all I would eat would be 2 or 3 large bars of chocolate whilst watching Home and Away in my bedroom. I would consume all that within just 30 minutes. I was starved but was unable to eat more sensibly. I didn’t want anyone to see me eat. I didn’t want anyone to know that I had just eaten. That might sound a little crazy but I felt a little disgusted just by putting food in my mouth.
Now, my addiction to energy drinks has replaced my bad eating habits. Although my eating habits have improved a little, I would say they are still quite bad. For example, there was a few days this week where I only ate lunch at work. I wouldn’t eat anything when I got home and instead I slept. I genuinely don’t feel hungry most of the time. When I do I try to ignore it as I feel that I don’t need to use any of that energy because I’m not really doing much with myself.
In my previous relationship a few years ago, we ate our regularly, I was at my heaviest. My weight has never bothered me as I told myself I was fat and happy. I would rather be fat and happy, than skinny and miserable. Although I’ve never been ‘fat’, but I do look a bit pregnant at times. Eating out is one of my favourite things to do and I can never say no. There was one week in the past I’m sure I ate out 6 or 7 times in the space of a week. Now it is maybe just once a week. Not that it means anything. I wish I could eat a little healthier.