Nothing To Say
I don’t have very much I want to say this week. Although there is so much I want to write but I don’t have the energy for any of that. I had plans to go out today, as I had the day off work, to go sit down the park with my laptop and a few energy drinks; but instead I stayed in bed until 6pm. I have very little motivation for anything else at the moment. Even at work I’ve been feeling very low mood. I think I’ll just write the one title for this entry as I really didn’t want to give up my New Years resolution.
I feel that there isn’t very much to look forward to at the moment. With the easing of the covid restrictions nearly over and the fact I am able to do things. Yet, I still feel unable to any of the things I wanted. I’m lonely. I have friends, more than I ever realised, but it’s not friends I need. I need someone to start building my life with.
The only time I’ve really done anything recently has been at work. Work has been quite difficult this week as I have been unable to fully concentrate. The only time I’ve remotely felt ‘alive’ is whenever I’m around Ben, but I keep saying the wrong things. I spoke to someone earlier in the week about my true feelings and I decided it would be best to tell him straight out. I just want to say to him that I wish we could just be friends but instead I keep saying weird things and I end up hating myself for it. I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed and eventually my feelings will just burst out, so I must ask if we could just speak without making it too weird. I already have my answer but I think if I heard it straight from his mouth it could help me move past it. That is something I really need to do. I’ve been trying my best to make a good effort in my appearance but I’m not speaking honestly and that needs to change.
I’ve not been feeling very great at home either. Things still aren’t the same with my dad. He has 2 appointments at the hospital next week and somehow I fear it’s not going to be good news. It’s been on my mind constantly as well. I cried at work on Thursday, I was in the exact same spot where I wrote my diary entry about my dad last March. I had a read over what I had written last year and I just got more and more upset. These feelings certainly can’t continue as I feel my depression is at a peak, I know I’ll get past it like I have done in the past.
My appetite has been non existent this week too. I just don’t feel hungry. It upsets me that some of my clothes are a bit loose and I need to wear a belt to work. I really enjoy eating out but I just haven’t been feeling up to that either. I haven’t even had the energy to play video games. Even though I bought some more for myself. I might play this weekend and hoping Monday will just hurry up. Weird that I’m wishing the weekend was over just so I have something to do.
The nights are starting to get dark again and I feel that this summer has been wasted. I know the summer is far from over but I don’t know if there’s anything good to look forward to. Rachel and I have spoke about going to Amsterdam again in November but there’s no real plan yet. I just wish that I could plan little weekends away to places around Scotland with my partner.
Whenever I lay in my bed I just try imagine what a better life would be like. I make these fantasy plans in my head, looking at hotels and flights, wishing I could do those things. Then, I get angry at myself for not doing anything about it. I know exactly what kind of life I want to have but I’m finding it difficult to make that become a reality.
I’ve been sitting down the park writing this and it has just been raining quite heavily. I love sitting in the car listening to the rain. It makes me feel at peace, especially if there’s a storm! I’m about to meet a friend and hopefully take my mind off things for a while. I’m glad I wrote this as I was seriously considering not writing anything this week, I can’t give up on this as it’s important to me. Although I have stopped my daily diary entries this month.