It rained today. On the way home from work it started and it was quite heavy. I felt as if the rain washed away my worries of the week but I got home just in time for tea with my parents. Afterwards I climbed into bed at 5pm and thought about what has happened over the last week. I was again, a little unsure, considering not writing in this diary anymore but I decided to push myself to get another weekly entry written out.

It’s 9pm and I am sitting by myself in a quiet car park with some music playing and a can of energy drink. So much has happened this week and I want to take an hour or so to reflect on the events that have taken place so will try to create sub headings for everything. This entire week has been a big blur, a rollercoaster of emotions that I just wanted to get off, I hate rollercoasters.

My Father

Sunday night. Monday morning. My normal routine to try and get myself an early night. I heard my dad go downstairs at around 2am and I thought that was a little unusual. I waited for about 15 minutes as he might just be going for a drink or a cigarette. I went to investigate. He was sitting watching TV and I asked him if everything was okay. He said he just couldn’t sleep and he’s getting a bit of pain. I went for a cigarette out the back and thinking to myself that he’s really not okay. When I go back indoors I ask him if he thinks he needs to go to hospital. Usually he would refuse and say that he’s okay as he likes to hide things like that as to not worry anybody. He told me that his checkup wasn’t for another 2 weeks and that he thinks it is his pancreas that is causing pain (that’s the reason why he was in for many months throughout the beginning of last year). I had to wake up mum.

I woke up my mum and I told her I think dad needs to go to hospital. She got herself ready as quickly as possible. My dad was out the back having a cigarette. They both told me to stay at home and to get some rest (as I had been extremely tired over the weekend). I don’t know what was going through my mind at that point, I felt like last year repeating itself. He was making improvements. Things were getting better. His pain came as a shock to me and so many thoughts racing through my head. I thought that this might be the last time I would see him.

Monday morning I went into work. I didn’t say very much. I’ve not really enjoyed being at work the last few weeks. I got a message from my mum just after lunch to say that dad will be spending at least a few days in the hospital. I was in the bathrooms and I cried. When I got back into the room where everyone was, Ben was the only one that was still there. I cried to him and told him what had happened. I can’t even remember how he reacted but I wanted his arms around me to comfort me. I followed him closely for the rest of the day like a lost puppy that cried occasionally. I still wanted to work through my tears as it was a distraction.

I didn’t tell anyone else my dad was in hospital until Tuesday night. I had to get out the house so drove somewhere just 2 minutes away and sat in silence. I told Lisa, Dani and Rachel. I don’t know what I expected them to do. I just wanted things to get better.

My dad got out on Wednesday. It was a relief to see him as I thought I might never get the chance again. I always think so negatively in those kinds of situations. Something wasn’t quite right, even now, but he has to go back into hospital for more checkups. I don’t know what will happen in the next few weeks but I can’t deal to overthink it too much as it will destroy me.

Mike and Vaccinations

Mike came back into town for his second vaccination so we decided to hang out for a little while. We met quite late in the day and just had a general catch up. I’ve spoke to him and seen him more this year than I have the last few years combined. I think the lockdown has brought us closer and it hope our friendship continues.

I have my second vaccination this weekend and I can’t wait to get it so I can be safer. As Scotland eases more restrictions on Monday (Level -1?) and the night clubs are opening. Mike asked me to go with him but I decided not to. I’m going to try and take a few days off work at the end of the month so we can both enjoy some drinks together. I can’t wait!

A Week With Ben

I’ve worked every day this week with Ben. I really enjoy working with him. In a way, I’m glad it was him I cried to on Monday. I don’t think he truly understands but I didn’t want to make a scene to anyone else.

We argued in the middle of the week on Wednesday. I said something that offended him, I regret it, although I didn’t mean it to sound that way. I felt awful. I told him that I wish that we could just be friends and about everything that I haven’t been able to say out loud. He told me that we will never be friends, we just work together. That hurt. The tension that has been building inside me for well over a year since I first met him finally came out. Although after our argument was quite an exciting afternoon. It sounds ironic but I just forgot how upset I was and I really enjoyed our banter. It’s not that I don’t accept his statement of not wanting to be friends, but we explored an empty building looking for something (at work) and we couldn’t find it so we just sort of wasted 20 minutes or so. We both laughed at some stupid stuff and then before I knew it, it was finishing time.

Thursday we barely spoke. Although it was just the two of us at work. But then today, Friday, I spent 7 hours at work with him. Starting just before 9 and getting back a little after 4. It has been the longest time I had spent with anyone at any point this year. We played fun games, such as 20 questions and some word games. We also spoke about tarot readings and he got me to go into a website to get a reading. I told him about ‘The Fool’ card I got back in April. We listened to good music (his playlist) in the work van. It was the best day I have had at work in months. Although I keep thinking of his words, ‘we will never be friends’, and it does upset me. I need to accept that reality. I can’t help it that I spend the most time with him than anyone of my other friends. He still gives me those feelings of contentment and somewhat safety.

Also. A question Ben asked me last year that has been on my mind this week, was how much money it would take me to go on a rollercoaster. I didn’t answer. This week he asked how much money it would take me to spend 8 hours in an abandoned elevator filled with spiders. Again, I didn’t answer. I would do it for free if the prize was happiness!

Plans With Lisa

I think I have plans with Lisa this weekend. I’m not quite sure what the plans are yet but it will be good to see her. I would really like to start making plans with my friends again as the nights are getting darker and the easing of more restrictions.

I also want to make holiday plans for the next few months. I’m not sure what I want to do with myself yet. But I need something to look forward to, just anything!

It’s almost 10pm. I haven’t proof read anything in this diary entry but I will just post it. Maybe sometime in the future I can start planning my entries a little better, I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to write. I have so many neglected hobbies. This week has certainly been a rollercoaster.

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