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A Continuation

Last Minute Date

Last Saturday I was out with a friend and we were both on one of those radar dating apps. I said to someone, the usual, ‘hey how are you?’ When I got home we started a large conversation. I thought it was a bit strange that we had so much in common in terms of gaming and anime. Everything I said I liked he got excited and to be honest, I thought it was someone making a joke out of me. He was nearby visiting his mum as he lives a few hours drive away and he told me that he wanted to meet tomorrow. 

No less than 24 hours after we first spoke, I drove to his town and met up with him. We met at 9pm. I was nervous. It was cold and I was only wearing shorts but we went for a short walk. He had a nice smelling aftershave on and I could smell it outdoors. We both smoke cigarettes too. We drove to McDonalds as it was quite late, I was a little gutted that he already had his dinner but I was absolutely starving! The conversation never went dry at any point during the night. 

I drove him back to his town a little after midnight and we started chatting about our music tastes. Before I knew it we had sat for over an hour. I had said I wanted to be home for midnight as I was working the next day but I got home at 2am. I wasn’t complaining. 

When I got home he sent me a message to tell me he really enjoyed tonight and he fancies me. It made me feel happy. I’ve not met anyone  in the dating sense for a while and it felt so good to get myself back out there. 

We have chatted throughout the week a little. He’s been working and I’ve had a lot on and I’m a little unsure if we will see each other again. Although I can definitely see myself getting back out there although it might be a little difficult. I’m excited to see what will happen. 

My Second Vaccination

Last Sunday I received my second Pfizer vaccination for coronavirus. My dad came with me again, but obviously sat outside, as he wanted to drive me home afterwards. I felt lucky to have that offer of my dad being there  like my first vaccination. 

The actual jab process was painless. But when I got home I felt extremely tired so lay down in bed for a few hours. I was meeting my date in the evening so wanted to be well rested. I didn’t really have any other symptoms at this point. 

The next day I had the shivers and my head was pounding. I didn’t have a fever as it wasn’t symptoms of coronavirus but it was the side effects from the vaccination. A work colleague text me to say there was a change in plan in what I was doing today and I couldn’t deal with that. I had spent all morning thinking about going into work. I went for my morning cigarette and I was extremely cold even whilst wearing my big jacket. I told my mum that I don’t think I should go to work today. Then I called my boss to explain the situation. My first sick day whilst in this job. 

I spent the entire day in bed. I played my PS5 on and off all day. I dozed in and out of sleep all day as well. I feel that I let my work team down but I just felt worse and worse as the day went on. I had an early night. The next day my shivers had improved but I still had a headache. I was taking paracetamol as that was all that was recommended. Later in the day I felt that I was pretty much back to my normal self. Although still quite depressed, the side effects were mostly gone. 

Call at Work from Mum

My dad was in hospital last week for a few days but he has been out since last Wednesday. Something hasn’t been quite right. He went back in Thursday morning but was only there for a few hours and came home. 

Then Thursday at 1:30pm I got a phone call at work. It was my mum to let me know that she had to take him back into hospital just after I left from work. He was waiting to speak to a doctor and surgeon to see what’s happening – we still don’t know. 

For the first time since last March, when he was first admitted to hospital, I could hear my mums voice start to crack. She sounded so worried. I hadn’t heard her like that before. I had to leave work instantly. 

I had an online works meeting at 2pm but I called my manager and I told him what happened. It was just a 30 second phone call. But I couldn’t stop crying although I managed to get my words out. Afterwards I threw myself onto my bed in a fit of rage that there nothing I could do. I felt helpless. I am helpless. I don’t want to cry at work again. I don’t want to talk about my personal issues with my managers. 

My mum was at the hospital and I was at home. As for the covid restrictions there is only 1 person allowed to visit the ward he was on, so I couldn’t even visit. I wanted to stop crying. I just wanted everything to stop. I felt like I had nobody to talk to, I still can’t talk about my feelings properly. 

I drove to the beach where I sat for about 3 hours. I turned my engine and music off and I just listened to the waves. It was relatively quiet with a few dogs barking in the background but I didn’t mind. I just sat there thinking about everything that has happened over the last year. 

I feel that this is becoming a never ending spiral. My dad has been sent into hospital far too many times and they still don’t know for sure what is the main cause. I just wish they could figure it out and fix him. I just want normality. I just want my dad back!

Difficulty at Work

Work this week has been awful. All my excitement to get into work has completely gone and I have lost all my motivation for anything. Over the last 16 months or so, work has been my only escape. But instead of escaping reality it has just made me realise how unhappy everything makes me feel here. I wish I was able to open up a little about the difficulties I’ve had with my colleagues over the past few weeks.

All that comfort and happiness I felt just being around Ben is gone because he has been avoiding me. I feel that I don’t have any friends at work and somehow everyone is talking about me. I wanted to be the person everybody wanted to work with but now I feel that I just get ignored. I’ve had a really tough week and I just wish I could work with Ben, not that he would listen to me, but because I really miss that feeling he gave me. The kind of feeling that no matter how bad things are, they were a little more bearable when I was around him. 

Not really sure what work has in store for me over the next few weeks. I don’t feel any sort of excitement unfortunately. I feel too distant from everyone at work and I just wish that we could all be friends again. I would give literally anything just for a small chance for Ben and I to attempt to be friends. I want that feeling of contentment back because I really need it right now. 

I Will Write Again

I haven’t really been writing very much recently, apart from this diary. I feel that there has been so much wasted time as I’ve had too many things on my mind that I didn’t have the energy to create something from. 

I want to get back to complete my ‘Chronicles of Callum’ series as I have only written 16 short story drafts. My original aim was to write 100 by the end of the year (just drafts at least) but I reduced that to 50. I don’t want to miss my goal but there is only 4 months left of this year. I also want to write more short stories and pieces of poetry. I have some rough drafts in my notes app but nothing I am satisfied with. I seem to be lacking in inspiration and motivation. 

I really want to redesign my website a little bit as it doesn’t really have much content on it. I find it quite difficult to keep up to date with everything but I made a promise to myself to give it my all and I don’t really think it is getting as much attention as it deserves. I might attempt some to design some images/buttons to use. I’m a little undecided but I hope I could do something like that over the weekend.

Making Friends

Over the last week I have made a few new friends. The friends I have are of course awesome. But there’s nothing wrong with increasing my circle a little bit. I want to be able to not worry about arguments happening or the fear of not being able to say I like someone without them getting involved. I want to be able to express my opinions openly without the fear of being made to me a bad person. I would also love to listen to other people. I’m exhausted of the lonely feelings even when I’m surrounded by others.

I also wish to explore a little more. I haven’t been on any new adventures lately with everything going on. I don’t want to feel the dread of being at home alone anymore and trying so hard to escape a reality that is just not very fun.

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