After the many trips to hospital with my dad over the last few weeks he has been given medication to deal with the pain. The doctors have all said that he is making progress and things are improving from the tests they have carried out but he is finding it extremely difficult to deal with the pain. We all feel a little helpless with nothing we can do to help. Fortunately he has not felt the need to go back into hospital this week and he says that he is improving although he is the kind of person that would just say he is improving to stop us all worrying about him.
I have tried everything. I even asked him if he would smoke cannabis to help deal with the pain. I don’t even know where to get it unless I was in Amsterdam. I’m sure I could have gotten it if I tried hard enough but instead I decided to invest a little research into CBD tablets. All the benefits of cannabis minus the high feeling and these tablets can be bought in most shops including Holland & Barrett. I managed to get him a small tub of capsules and told him to check with his GP to see if they were going to interfere with any of his other medication. He has taken a pill some of the days and he tells us it seems to help but we don’t really know for certain.
My friend Dani, who is training to become a doctor, visited my house last weekend. I asked if she would visit to have a conversation with my dad just about general things as I feel that the doctors in the hospital aren’t really helping as much as they can due to the pandemic. I was unsure how he would react when I brought her into the house but he seemed really pleased to be speaking to someone about it that understands how the body works. Although she was unable to provide any medical advice as she is not fully trained it was so nice of her to agree to come. They ended up chatting for about 45 minutes and I think my dad is a little more at ease because he understands a little more about what is happening. I just hope that these CBD capsules are able to help a little.
Dreams: Nobody Likes Me
I had a dream a few nights ago from a small nap I had. When I woke up I felt extremely lonely but I can’t remember what exactly happened in my dream. Someone had hacked into my Facebook and wrote a status to tell everyone not to like me. That is all I can remember from the dream. I felt sad when I woke up and wondered if it was true.
I have been having a lot of naps recently as I think the last few weeks have drained me. I do enjoy a nap but when I wake up to having a bad dream it makes me worry a little bit. Not really sure what else to write but I felt it was important to include in this weeks diary entry.
My Anxiety: Drive Thru
In an earlier anxiety entry I said that I’m quite an anxious eater. The thing is, I don’t like eating alone as it makes me feel a little sad, but I don’t want to feel that everyone is watching me eat. I’m okay in most restaurants as I feel a little safer there and I feel safe in my car depending on where I park. But I can’t seem to go to a drive thru myself, I’ve done it before in the past, but twice this week I’ve driven towards McDonalds and either sat in the car park next to it for 5 minutes and just driven away or I’ve just driven past it. I should be trying to eat a little better than fast food but I’m finding it quite difficult.
Perhaps I should start taking some CBD capsules for my anxiety as it might help.
Happiness with Ben
I didn’t mean to write about Ben so much in this diary. No friendship is ever going to surface with him but that doesn’t stop me from feeling that feeling I can’t quite explain when I’m around him. I think it’s a sort of happiness and maybe a little excitement and unpredictability. I’m sure he knows this now as I haven’t exactly made it clear but I’m really not that good at hiding those things. I’ve also been speaking to some of my friends a little about how I feel about him and that has made me feel a little better. I think I should put the energy I feel about him into some kinds of writing/poetry. Of course not directly about him but he has certainly sparked some kind of inspiration within me.
I know I’ve been saying this for a while but I want to start writing a little more, not just my diary, I spent last weekend updating my website and I hope that this weekend I am able to do a little more to make it more appealing. I can’t keep hiding this side of me from everybody anymore. I definitely feel that I’ve ended this week on more of a high (no pun intended) and I hope this sort of feeling continues into next week.