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SAD

Sadness

As the nights are getting dark by 8pm I can feel my mood getting slightly lower. It seems to be, over the last couple of years, I get a little depressed over the winter months. I’ve mentioned this before in many of my diaries but Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) affects me almost every year. 

Sometimes I do things that I think help, as I don’t wish to be on any medication, not that there is any shame in it but I would like to avoid those sorts of medications. I try to go for a sun bed session every so often and try my hardest to at least spend some time in the daylight. I also try to write a little bit more and try not to keep everything bottled inside. I find it hard to express myself at the best of times but I just let myself write whatever is on my mind. It’s a bit more difficult to not have the feeling of wasting a day.

This week after work I have been going for a nap because I’ve felt so run down but when I awaken the sun has already gone. Although with the job I work in now I get to see a lot more daylight although it doesn’t feel the same when I’m at work. I lose interest in things I enjoy such as video games and watching anime. I find it difficult to laugh and joke with my friends and I can’t sleep very well at night.

It seems that at this time of year I crave something I little more ‘cozy’ if that’s a way to put it. I feel a little more lonely and wish that I had someone to spend some nights indoors with. Listening to the rain outside my window when I’m alone doesn’t make me feel good although that is something I quite enjoy doing in the summer months. 

Chapters

I had a thought yesterday. I wondered if my life was a book how many chapters would it have. I thought after all the recent chapters from the last decade and I narrowed it down to 5. 1) The pre-Andy year ‘The Wish’, 2) ‘The Andy Saga’, 3) ‘The Breakup’, 4) ‘My Crush’, 5) I’m in Love But Rejected. 

I feel like I could maybe find some sort of inspiration from that to write a story. But I lack any sort of motivation to do something like that. I just wanted to record this little thought into my diary. Another way of looking at these chapter could be, ‘The 2020 Lockdown Diary’ and then the ‘2021 Diary of Callum’. 

I really want to spend some time going through the previous things I’ve written and perhaps getting some stuff printed off. I really want to create something meaningful that will have an impact. 

Terminate Another Friendship

I think a lot to myself, sometimes a little too much. Back in January 2019 I wrote a diary entry ‘Terminate a Friendship?’ and I feel as if that might be a little silly now. There’s so many things that I questioned about a certain friendship I had. Friendships are supposed to make you feel good but this certain friendship just constantly had me questioning myself. Of course it made me happy but if there is a lack of trust and a constant grudge feeling then it’s probably too late to attempt to fix it. I brought myself into a fake reality and I destroyed myself and my identify in the process. I wrote out every single possibility when in the end I actually knew what the outcome would be. I just let myself believe my own lies. I could pretend to live a lie if it brought me happiness.

I have these kind of similar feelings again but this time I just want it to be over. I hate how I feel that I need to suppress my feelings and I can no longer be my true self. I’ve tried so hard to be the person I want to be but I find it hard. I can’t continue a friendship that constantly has me worried and stressed. I don’t want to feel that I’m constantly being put down, ignored or my feelings aren’t taken into consideration. If I feel a constant paranoia I just need to cut all ties immediately. I don’t need or want a friend like that.

I struggle to forgive and I can hold grudges for a long time. The times I’ve felt bad seem to outweigh the good feelings. Some friendships just aren’t supposed to last and I feel that this might be for the best. I’m not going to lie but I hope it hurts. 

Return To The Pub

Today was the first time I stepped foot into my local pub. I’ve not been here since 6th March 2020. We sat at the same table with some of the same people from work. I had a lot of flashbacks from that night. If only things could be different now but I wanted to talk about my feelings a little bit.

I felt as if my presence wasn’t wanted at the pub and I was extremely nervous about going. I wasn’t told a time to be at the pub so I sat in my car down the park about 1400 hours. I just sat worrying and overthinking every potential situation. I got a text at 1530 hours to say that they were are the pub. My worrying became more severe and I was panicked. I had so much anxious feelings as I already felt that I wasn’t wanted at the pub but what if there was no seat for me to sit at the table or what if the pub was too busy. I had a mini panic attack as I smoked a few cigarettes. I didn’t really want to be at the pub but I had stronger feelings of me not wanting to not be there.

I brought my car with me so that I could escape if I felt the need to. I also had plans for Lisa to come and collect my car keys to take my car home for me if need be. I just wanted it to all be over. The flashbacks I had from the last time I was in the pub. 

Ben couldn’t even make eye contact with me. I can’t get that out of my mind. Working with him over the next few weeks is going to be so difficult but I would do anything to be as normal as possible.

My German Friend

A couple of months ago I got a message from someone I met a few years ago when I was in Berlin with Andy. He had moved to Scotland and was asking if I would like to hang out. As he had just moved he wanted to get settled into his new place and get used to living in Scotland for a while. We would occasionally send a message back and forth every couple of weeks. It was nice to chat to him again.

There was one little problem though. I couldn’t actually remember his name as I don’t think he ever told me. I was drunk when we were together but I remember we had a good time together. To cut a long story short, we are meeting this weekend. I asked him what his name was and we laughed about it. I’m a little unsure if we’re meeting as just friends or if we will possibly hook up but I’m just going to enjoy myself. I don’t think he has very many friends in Scotland so it will be nice to see if we are still able to get on.

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Too Fast

Time Moves Too Fast

It feels like this week has gone by far too quickly and although much has happened it has been a little mentally draining. I say much has happened but now it comes to think about the events I can’t really recall much. It is such a strange feeling. I have been so busy over the last week with work as I am starting to feel a lot more relaxed in the workplace than I have in previous recent weeks. Although my current contract is due to end within the next 2 months I just wish time would stay still for a little while longer. I feel contentment at work, probably more so when working with a certain someone, though that does feel extremely draining. I don’t want to talk about him this week.

Dating Again

Over the last week or so I have been on a few dates or at least spoken to a few potential dates. I had a near death experience that I would rather not go into but I wanted to write a little about what I do whenever I meet someone new, be it just a friend or a date.

Lisa and Dani are both in on this. A few weeks ago when I was meeting someone I asked Dani to call me at a certain time that this person would be in my car with me. She would ask me what I was doing tomorrow, if I replied to say, ‘I’m working’, that means everything was going well and I don’t need an escape plan. If I was to reply to her question with ‘I’m working, but I finish at 12’, that means I want an excuse to leave. She would then say, if everyone was okay, that she just wanted to know if I wanted to go to Nandos. If she was going to help me escape she would ask that she wanted a lift to the hospital for a broken leg to which I would reply, ‘I’ll take you now’. There would probably be a much easier way to do this but this has developed into the discussion of what we do when we meet new people.

Lisa doesn’t need my assistance with this as she has a boyfriend but she has still helped me a lot. I always send my location to Lisa and/or Dani when I am going to meet someone and they take a screenshot of that location. On messenger it only shares live location for an hour it means I need to message before the hour is up to say that I am safe and well. Dani has also started doing the same thing with me and her other friend. It might sound a little much but just to send a location and perhaps a screenshot of this persons dating profile and information such as their snapchat just in case anything goes wrong. Taking these precautionary measures, if everyone started doing it, could save a life. I thought I had a close call with death this week.

I don’t want to go into details about what happened but I had to run to my car and drive as soon as possible. I didn’t even have time to get my seatbelt on and I was shaking so much. I stopped the car after I had turned a few corners and I called Lisa. I got her to stay on the phone to me (through bluetooth) as I drove to hers because I was a bit of a nervous mess. I thought I was being followed in my car and had to take it easy behind the wheel, luckily it was just a few minutes in the car. She sat with me for a good 30 minutes so I could tell her what happened (this was around 10:30pm) and then I went home and I was calm. Then Dani came to my street around 11pm after her work.

I cannot let 1 bad experience put me off the dating scene. I want to meet someone as I find that to be a very important part of my life that I am missing. I also have potential dates lines up in the next few days/weeks including a little bit of travel.

Lack of Motivation

I’ve had such a lack of motivation over the last few weeks that I don’t want to do very much. But it’s not that I don’t want to do it but I can’t find the energy to do it. I may spend hours playing my PS5 console wishing I could spend a little more time writing or honing my photography skills. I also lack the motivation to work on my website and I am quite disappointed with myself that I haven’t put as much effort as I feel I could have. 2021 was supposed to be a chance for me to put everything together that is my life and find a little more happiness. The fact I’m still writing my 2021 at this time is quite remarkable.

I need a little more inspiration in my life. Excitement too. I want a muse. Someone that makes me want to better myself and take more a little pride in my hobbies. I don’t expect them to take an interest in them but maybe just to hear someone special tell me that they are proud of my work. 

I have this image in my head of what I want to do with all my hobbies and I have so many ideas. When it comes down to actually doing something I find it difficult to complete. I’m not sure if the end product will even be worth it. I’m not sure that makes sense.

I also have a lack of motivation in improving my career. The job role I am currently in will end in the next 2 months and I have not prepared myself at all for what will come after. I could lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about applying for jobs but it just feels too difficult. I just want things to stay exactly how they are. I really like my job and I don’t want it to change. I wish I could work with Ben forever too although sometimes he makes me feel horrible. 

Unplayed in 28 Days

I have a lot of smart playlists on my iTunes library that I made many years ago. There’s 2 playlists I listen to the most, the one with songs I’ve listened to more than 100 times and another of songs I’ve listened to between 50 and 100 times. I usually rotate between these two. There’s another one that I had totally forgotten about, ‘Unplayed in 28 days’, these are songs that I have listened to more than 30 times but haven’t been played in 28 days. I think the criteria set for these playlists is a little outdated as I’ve had my iTunes library for more than 10 years but it’s so nice to hear songs that I like and I’ve not heard in a while. I really want to make some more playlists.

I would like to make many new playlists and perhaps organise my iTunes library a little bit. I use Apple Music but I still buy CDs too.

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End of August

Mental Health Check IV

I’ve not written a mental health check since the start of July and I wanted to write a little update. The last 6-7 weeks have been pretty awful with everything that has been going on but I feel that this week has been a really good week. As I’ve started taking CBD capsules I feel that I am generally more relaxed and I am doing a little more with myself throughout the week as to keep myself occupied and motivated.

Last weekend I bought myself some disinfectant wipes for my car and I wiped everything down. I know that’s not much of a big deal but for me it felt like I was cleansing myself in some weird way. I smoke quite a lot in my car and it does smell a little bit although I would never say its awful and I never get any complaints from my friends. I also used the disinfectant wipes in my bedroom and cleaned out some rubbish. My bedroom is never that much of a mess as I keep saying although something about cleaning every corner makes me feel a little more fresh. Also, opening the window and letting in some nature always improves my mood. Those little things are sometimes so hard to do and it makes it near impossible to help myself improve if I get into a depressive state. I still have a little organisation to do and maybe move things around a little but that can be a job for the weekend.

I’ve been a little more social this week. Going to a warehouse to help Dani with buying stock, to sitting down the park with Lisa, even being a little more social at work. I’ve also had the energy to play some more video games which is what I spend most of my time doing as it’s the thing I enjoy most. I haven’t been outdoors very much to do any photography work but I will hopefully do some of that over the weekend or next week. As the nights are getting dark around 9pm now it is a little easier to capture a sunset.

Monday and Tuesday at work I tried my best to be as social as possible. Just to make a little bit of small talk and trying to enjoy myself as much as possible. I done a lot of driving at work on those days and it was a little exhausting. That is why I booked myself 3 days holiday so to get the rest of the week off. I made some small plans on those days but nothing too big. I’m taking them as mental health days and give myself a little chance to heal and improve a bit. 

I don’t really feel like writing much more this week. But mental health checks are important.

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Ending on A High

CBD Capsules

After the many trips to hospital with my dad over the last few weeks he has been given medication to deal with the pain. The doctors have all said that he is making progress and things are improving from the tests they have carried out but he is finding it extremely difficult to deal with the pain. We all feel a little helpless with nothing we can do to help. Fortunately he has not felt the need to go back into hospital this week and he says that he is improving although he is the kind of person that would just say he is improving to stop us all worrying about him.

I have tried everything. I even asked him if he would smoke cannabis to help deal with the pain. I don’t even know where to get it unless I was in Amsterdam. I’m sure I could have gotten it if I tried hard enough but instead I decided to invest a little research into CBD tablets. All the benefits of cannabis minus the high feeling and these tablets can be bought in most shops including Holland & Barrett. I managed to get him a small tub of capsules and told him to check with his GP to see if they were going to interfere with any of his other medication. He has taken a pill some of the days and he tells us it seems to help but we don’t really know for certain.

My friend Dani, who is training to become a doctor, visited my house last weekend. I asked if she would visit to have a conversation with my dad just about general things as I feel that the doctors in the hospital aren’t really helping as much as they can due to the pandemic. I was unsure how he would react when I brought her into the house but he seemed really pleased to be speaking to someone about it that understands how the body works. Although she was unable to provide any medical advice as she is not fully trained it was so nice of her to agree to come. They ended up chatting for about 45 minutes and I think my dad is a little more at ease because he understands a little more about what is happening. I just hope that these CBD capsules are able to help a little.

Dreams: Nobody Likes Me

I had a dream a few nights ago from a small nap I had. When I woke up I felt extremely lonely but I can’t remember what exactly happened in my dream. Someone had hacked into my Facebook and wrote a status to tell everyone not to like me. That is all I can remember from the dream. I felt sad when I woke up and wondered if it was true. 

I have been having a lot of naps recently as I think the last few weeks have drained me. I do enjoy a nap but when I wake up to having a bad dream it makes me worry a little bit. Not really sure what else to write but I felt it was important to include in this weeks diary entry.

My Anxiety: Drive Thru

In an earlier anxiety entry I said that I’m quite an anxious eater. The thing is, I don’t like eating alone as it makes me feel a little sad, but I don’t want to feel that everyone is watching me eat. I’m okay in most restaurants as I feel a little safer there and I feel safe in my car depending on where I park. But I can’t seem to go to a drive thru myself, I’ve done it before in the past, but twice this week I’ve driven towards McDonalds and either sat in the car park next to it for 5 minutes and just driven away or I’ve just driven past it. I should be trying to eat a little better than fast food but I’m finding it quite difficult. 

Perhaps I should start taking some CBD capsules for my anxiety as it might help.

Happiness with Ben

I didn’t mean to write about Ben so much in this diary. No friendship is ever going to surface with him but that doesn’t stop me from feeling that feeling I can’t quite explain when I’m around him. I think it’s a sort of happiness and maybe a little excitement and unpredictability. I’m sure he knows this now as I haven’t exactly made it clear but I’m really not that good at hiding those things. I’ve also been speaking to some of my friends a little about how I feel about him and that has made me feel a little better. I think I should put the energy I feel about him into some kinds of writing/poetry. Of course not directly about him but he has certainly sparked some kind of inspiration within me. 

I know I’ve been saying this for a while but I want to start writing a little more, not just my diary, I spent last weekend updating my website and I hope that this weekend I am able to do a little more to make it more appealing. I can’t keep hiding this side of me from everybody anymore. I definitely feel that I’ve ended this week on more of a high (no pun intended) and I hope this sort of feeling continues into next week.

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A Continuation

Last Minute Date

Last Saturday I was out with a friend and we were both on one of those radar dating apps. I said to someone, the usual, ‘hey how are you?’ When I got home we started a large conversation. I thought it was a bit strange that we had so much in common in terms of gaming and anime. Everything I said I liked he got excited and to be honest, I thought it was someone making a joke out of me. He was nearby visiting his mum as he lives a few hours drive away and he told me that he wanted to meet tomorrow. 

No less than 24 hours after we first spoke, I drove to his town and met up with him. We met at 9pm. I was nervous. It was cold and I was only wearing shorts but we went for a short walk. He had a nice smelling aftershave on and I could smell it outdoors. We both smoke cigarettes too. We drove to McDonalds as it was quite late, I was a little gutted that he already had his dinner but I was absolutely starving! The conversation never went dry at any point during the night. 

I drove him back to his town a little after midnight and we started chatting about our music tastes. Before I knew it we had sat for over an hour. I had said I wanted to be home for midnight as I was working the next day but I got home at 2am. I wasn’t complaining. 

When I got home he sent me a message to tell me he really enjoyed tonight and he fancies me. It made me feel happy. I’ve not met anyone  in the dating sense for a while and it felt so good to get myself back out there. 

We have chatted throughout the week a little. He’s been working and I’ve had a lot on and I’m a little unsure if we will see each other again. Although I can definitely see myself getting back out there although it might be a little difficult. I’m excited to see what will happen. 

My Second Vaccination

Last Sunday I received my second Pfizer vaccination for coronavirus. My dad came with me again, but obviously sat outside, as he wanted to drive me home afterwards. I felt lucky to have that offer of my dad being there  like my first vaccination. 

The actual jab process was painless. But when I got home I felt extremely tired so lay down in bed for a few hours. I was meeting my date in the evening so wanted to be well rested. I didn’t really have any other symptoms at this point. 

The next day I had the shivers and my head was pounding. I didn’t have a fever as it wasn’t symptoms of coronavirus but it was the side effects from the vaccination. A work colleague text me to say there was a change in plan in what I was doing today and I couldn’t deal with that. I had spent all morning thinking about going into work. I went for my morning cigarette and I was extremely cold even whilst wearing my big jacket. I told my mum that I don’t think I should go to work today. Then I called my boss to explain the situation. My first sick day whilst in this job. 

I spent the entire day in bed. I played my PS5 on and off all day. I dozed in and out of sleep all day as well. I feel that I let my work team down but I just felt worse and worse as the day went on. I had an early night. The next day my shivers had improved but I still had a headache. I was taking paracetamol as that was all that was recommended. Later in the day I felt that I was pretty much back to my normal self. Although still quite depressed, the side effects were mostly gone. 

Call at Work from Mum

My dad was in hospital last week for a few days but he has been out since last Wednesday. Something hasn’t been quite right. He went back in Thursday morning but was only there for a few hours and came home. 

Then Thursday at 1:30pm I got a phone call at work. It was my mum to let me know that she had to take him back into hospital just after I left from work. He was waiting to speak to a doctor and surgeon to see what’s happening – we still don’t know. 

For the first time since last March, when he was first admitted to hospital, I could hear my mums voice start to crack. She sounded so worried. I hadn’t heard her like that before. I had to leave work instantly. 

I had an online works meeting at 2pm but I called my manager and I told him what happened. It was just a 30 second phone call. But I couldn’t stop crying although I managed to get my words out. Afterwards I threw myself onto my bed in a fit of rage that there nothing I could do. I felt helpless. I am helpless. I don’t want to cry at work again. I don’t want to talk about my personal issues with my managers. 

My mum was at the hospital and I was at home. As for the covid restrictions there is only 1 person allowed to visit the ward he was on, so I couldn’t even visit. I wanted to stop crying. I just wanted everything to stop. I felt like I had nobody to talk to, I still can’t talk about my feelings properly. 

I drove to the beach where I sat for about 3 hours. I turned my engine and music off and I just listened to the waves. It was relatively quiet with a few dogs barking in the background but I didn’t mind. I just sat there thinking about everything that has happened over the last year. 

I feel that this is becoming a never ending spiral. My dad has been sent into hospital far too many times and they still don’t know for sure what is the main cause. I just wish they could figure it out and fix him. I just want normality. I just want my dad back!

Difficulty at Work

Work this week has been awful. All my excitement to get into work has completely gone and I have lost all my motivation for anything. Over the last 16 months or so, work has been my only escape. But instead of escaping reality it has just made me realise how unhappy everything makes me feel here. I wish I was able to open up a little about the difficulties I’ve had with my colleagues over the past few weeks.

All that comfort and happiness I felt just being around Ben is gone because he has been avoiding me. I feel that I don’t have any friends at work and somehow everyone is talking about me. I wanted to be the person everybody wanted to work with but now I feel that I just get ignored. I’ve had a really tough week and I just wish I could work with Ben, not that he would listen to me, but because I really miss that feeling he gave me. The kind of feeling that no matter how bad things are, they were a little more bearable when I was around him. 

Not really sure what work has in store for me over the next few weeks. I don’t feel any sort of excitement unfortunately. I feel too distant from everyone at work and I just wish that we could all be friends again. I would give literally anything just for a small chance for Ben and I to attempt to be friends. I want that feeling of contentment back because I really need it right now. 

I Will Write Again

I haven’t really been writing very much recently, apart from this diary. I feel that there has been so much wasted time as I’ve had too many things on my mind that I didn’t have the energy to create something from. 

I want to get back to complete my ‘Chronicles of Callum’ series as I have only written 16 short story drafts. My original aim was to write 100 by the end of the year (just drafts at least) but I reduced that to 50. I don’t want to miss my goal but there is only 4 months left of this year. I also want to write more short stories and pieces of poetry. I have some rough drafts in my notes app but nothing I am satisfied with. I seem to be lacking in inspiration and motivation. 

I really want to redesign my website a little bit as it doesn’t really have much content on it. I find it quite difficult to keep up to date with everything but I made a promise to myself to give it my all and I don’t really think it is getting as much attention as it deserves. I might attempt some to design some images/buttons to use. I’m a little undecided but I hope I could do something like that over the weekend.

Making Friends

Over the last week I have made a few new friends. The friends I have are of course awesome. But there’s nothing wrong with increasing my circle a little bit. I want to be able to not worry about arguments happening or the fear of not being able to say I like someone without them getting involved. I want to be able to express my opinions openly without the fear of being made to me a bad person. I would also love to listen to other people. I’m exhausted of the lonely feelings even when I’m surrounded by others.

I also wish to explore a little more. I haven’t been on any new adventures lately with everything going on. I don’t want to feel the dread of being at home alone anymore and trying so hard to escape a reality that is just not very fun.

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Rollercoaster

Rain

It rained today. On the way home from work it started and it was quite heavy. I felt as if the rain washed away my worries of the week but I got home just in time for tea with my parents. Afterwards I climbed into bed at 5pm and thought about what has happened over the last week. I was again, a little unsure, considering not writing in this diary anymore but I decided to push myself to get another weekly entry written out.

It’s 9pm and I am sitting by myself in a quiet car park with some music playing and a can of energy drink. So much has happened this week and I want to take an hour or so to reflect on the events that have taken place so will try to create sub headings for everything. This entire week has been a big blur, a rollercoaster of emotions that I just wanted to get off, I hate rollercoasters.

My Father

Sunday night. Monday morning. My normal routine to try and get myself an early night. I heard my dad go downstairs at around 2am and I thought that was a little unusual. I waited for about 15 minutes as he might just be going for a drink or a cigarette. I went to investigate. He was sitting watching TV and I asked him if everything was okay. He said he just couldn’t sleep and he’s getting a bit of pain. I went for a cigarette out the back and thinking to myself that he’s really not okay. When I go back indoors I ask him if he thinks he needs to go to hospital. Usually he would refuse and say that he’s okay as he likes to hide things like that as to not worry anybody. He told me that his checkup wasn’t for another 2 weeks and that he thinks it is his pancreas that is causing pain (that’s the reason why he was in for many months throughout the beginning of last year). I had to wake up mum.

I woke up my mum and I told her I think dad needs to go to hospital. She got herself ready as quickly as possible. My dad was out the back having a cigarette. They both told me to stay at home and to get some rest (as I had been extremely tired over the weekend). I don’t know what was going through my mind at that point, I felt like last year repeating itself. He was making improvements. Things were getting better. His pain came as a shock to me and so many thoughts racing through my head. I thought that this might be the last time I would see him.

Monday morning I went into work. I didn’t say very much. I’ve not really enjoyed being at work the last few weeks. I got a message from my mum just after lunch to say that dad will be spending at least a few days in the hospital. I was in the bathrooms and I cried. When I got back into the room where everyone was, Ben was the only one that was still there. I cried to him and told him what had happened. I can’t even remember how he reacted but I wanted his arms around me to comfort me. I followed him closely for the rest of the day like a lost puppy that cried occasionally. I still wanted to work through my tears as it was a distraction.

I didn’t tell anyone else my dad was in hospital until Tuesday night. I had to get out the house so drove somewhere just 2 minutes away and sat in silence. I told Lisa, Dani and Rachel. I don’t know what I expected them to do. I just wanted things to get better.

My dad got out on Wednesday. It was a relief to see him as I thought I might never get the chance again. I always think so negatively in those kinds of situations. Something wasn’t quite right, even now, but he has to go back into hospital for more checkups. I don’t know what will happen in the next few weeks but I can’t deal to overthink it too much as it will destroy me.

Mike and Vaccinations

Mike came back into town for his second vaccination so we decided to hang out for a little while. We met quite late in the day and just had a general catch up. I’ve spoke to him and seen him more this year than I have the last few years combined. I think the lockdown has brought us closer and it hope our friendship continues.

I have my second vaccination this weekend and I can’t wait to get it so I can be safer. As Scotland eases more restrictions on Monday (Level -1?) and the night clubs are opening. Mike asked me to go with him but I decided not to. I’m going to try and take a few days off work at the end of the month so we can both enjoy some drinks together. I can’t wait!

A Week With Ben

I’ve worked every day this week with Ben. I really enjoy working with him. In a way, I’m glad it was him I cried to on Monday. I don’t think he truly understands but I didn’t want to make a scene to anyone else.

We argued in the middle of the week on Wednesday. I said something that offended him, I regret it, although I didn’t mean it to sound that way. I felt awful. I told him that I wish that we could just be friends and about everything that I haven’t been able to say out loud. He told me that we will never be friends, we just work together. That hurt. The tension that has been building inside me for well over a year since I first met him finally came out. Although after our argument was quite an exciting afternoon. It sounds ironic but I just forgot how upset I was and I really enjoyed our banter. It’s not that I don’t accept his statement of not wanting to be friends, but we explored an empty building looking for something (at work) and we couldn’t find it so we just sort of wasted 20 minutes or so. We both laughed at some stupid stuff and then before I knew it, it was finishing time.

Thursday we barely spoke. Although it was just the two of us at work. But then today, Friday, I spent 7 hours at work with him. Starting just before 9 and getting back a little after 4. It has been the longest time I had spent with anyone at any point this year. We played fun games, such as 20 questions and some word games. We also spoke about tarot readings and he got me to go into a website to get a reading. I told him about ‘The Fool’ card I got back in April. We listened to good music (his playlist) in the work van. It was the best day I have had at work in months. Although I keep thinking of his words, ‘we will never be friends’, and it does upset me. I need to accept that reality. I can’t help it that I spend the most time with him than anyone of my other friends. He still gives me those feelings of contentment and somewhat safety.

Also. A question Ben asked me last year that has been on my mind this week, was how much money it would take me to go on a rollercoaster. I didn’t answer. This week he asked how much money it would take me to spend 8 hours in an abandoned elevator filled with spiders. Again, I didn’t answer. I would do it for free if the prize was happiness!

Plans With Lisa

I think I have plans with Lisa this weekend. I’m not quite sure what the plans are yet but it will be good to see her. I would really like to start making plans with my friends again as the nights are getting darker and the easing of more restrictions.

I also want to make holiday plans for the next few months. I’m not sure what I want to do with myself yet. But I need something to look forward to, just anything!

It’s almost 10pm. I haven’t proof read anything in this diary entry but I will just post it. Maybe sometime in the future I can start planning my entries a little better, I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to write. I have so many neglected hobbies. This week has certainly been a rollercoaster.

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Nothing

Nothing To Say

I don’t have very much I want to say this week. Although there is so much I want to write but I don’t have the energy for any of that. I had plans to go out today, as I had the day off work, to go sit down the park with my laptop and a few energy drinks; but instead I stayed in bed until 6pm. I have very little motivation for anything else at the moment. Even at work I’ve been feeling very low mood. I think I’ll just write the one title for this entry as I really didn’t want to give up my New Years resolution.

I feel that there isn’t very much to look forward to at the moment. With the easing of the covid restrictions nearly over and the fact I am able to do things. Yet, I still feel unable to any of the things I wanted. I’m lonely. I have friends, more than I ever realised, but it’s not friends I need. I need someone to start building my life with.

The only time I’ve really done anything recently has been at work. Work has been quite difficult this week as I have been unable to fully concentrate. The only time I’ve remotely felt ‘alive’ is whenever I’m around Ben, but I keep saying the wrong things. I spoke to someone earlier in the week about my true feelings and I decided it would be best to tell him straight out. I just want to say to him that I wish we could just be friends but instead I keep saying weird things and I end up hating myself for it. I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed and eventually my feelings will just burst out, so I must ask if we could just speak without making it too weird. I already have my answer but I think if I heard it straight from his mouth it could help me move past it. That is something I really need to do. I’ve been trying my best to make a good effort in my appearance but I’m not speaking honestly and that needs to change.

I’ve not been feeling very great at home either. Things still aren’t the same with my dad. He has 2 appointments at the hospital next week and somehow I fear it’s not going to be good news. It’s been on my mind constantly as well. I cried at work on Thursday, I was in the exact same spot where I wrote my diary entry about my dad last March. I had a read over what I had written last year and I just got more and more upset. These feelings certainly can’t continue as I feel my depression is at a peak, I know I’ll get past it like I have done in the past.

My appetite has been non existent this week too. I just don’t feel hungry. It upsets me that some of my clothes are a bit loose and I need to wear a belt to work. I really enjoy eating out but I just haven’t been feeling up to that either. I haven’t even had the energy to play video games. Even though I bought some more for myself. I might play this weekend and hoping Monday will just hurry up. Weird that I’m wishing the weekend was over just so I have something to do.

The nights are starting to get dark again and I feel that this summer has been wasted. I know the summer is far from over but I don’t know if there’s anything good to look forward to. Rachel and I have spoke about going to Amsterdam again in November but there’s no real plan yet. I just wish that I could plan little weekends away to places around Scotland with my partner.

Whenever I lay in my bed I just try imagine what a better life would be like. I make these fantasy plans in my head, looking at hotels and flights, wishing I could do those things. Then, I get angry at myself for not doing anything about it. I know exactly what kind of life I want to have but I’m finding it difficult to make that become a reality.

I’ve been sitting down the park writing this and it has just been raining quite heavily. I love sitting in the car listening to the rain. It makes me feel at peace, especially if there’s a storm! I’m about to meet a friend and hopefully take my mind off things for a while. I’m glad I wrote this as I was seriously considering not writing anything this week, I can’t give up on this as it’s important to me. Although I have stopped my daily diary entries this month.

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Alive

Feeling Alive

Over the last week I have felt more alive that I have since I can’t even remember. Currently working very hard at work as we have a deadline to meet. The job involves a lot of heavy lifting and running up and down stairs and the weather is also far too hot. Even when I’m not doing any work, on a break or the drive to/from work, the sweat is still dripping off my face! The slight pain in my legs is a reminder that I am in fact still alive.

Not only that, I have been working quite closely with Ben this last week. We can both drive but somehow I’m the one driving him to and from the site, around 40 minutes from base, and I’m not complaining. I really enjoy driving him around, it kind of sets me up to have a good day even when it’s quite a busy day. I asked him to bring in some CDs and I’ve enjoyed everything he has played. 

Although when I get home from work some days I feel a little dead. It’s probably part exhaustion but I think there’s something else in there as well. I feel there is a lack of satisfaction and though I do my best to fill my evenings with meet ups with friends or perhaps just a drive somewhere to clear my mind. Some nights I don’t feel like doing anything but lay in my quiet bedroom hiding away from the world. I can’t even get the energy to play my PS5 although I do sometimes even if it’s for an hour. Every day at work with Ben, the thought kind of crosses my mind, that we could maybe do something after work. Eat out, play video games, go for a walk or drive, just whatever.

This guy genuinely makes me feel alive. He gives me some sort of excitement to get myself up in the morning, to make an effort, put on my best t-shirt, shower and wash my face. I just want to try and be the best version of myself as possible for him. It’s not that I wish he was my boyfriend (although that would be nice), I just want to be friends. Play some video games, drink together and maybe eat out once in a while.

I really didn’t want to fill this diary with my latest crush (which has been a crush for about 18 months). Of course I’ve attempted to date in that time but I haven’t met someone that makes me feel the way he does. I know that I need to do something about this soon before it destroys me. I don’t think things are going to work out in my favour but for now it’s the only reality I feel any sort of contentment in.

A Flying Swan

Wednesday at work Ben and I were walking back to the car to get lunch when we seen a rather large bird in the sky. At first we thought it was a goose but it was a lot bigger and making a sound that I had never heard before. I can’t even describe it. It was a flying swan. This might sound a little stupid but I never even knew they could fly. I knew they can fly at low altitudes over a pond, but this was actually in the sky flying over trees.

It was a little surreal. I felt like Ash Ketchum in the first episode of Pokemon when he sees Ho-oh fly over the rainbow. I believe it to symbolise good luck and perhaps the sign of something good to come. I’m so happy I was able to witness that with someone. I want to experience more little things like this. But the fact it was unexpected made it so much more awesome.

Importance

I just want to be important. Like, I know how important I am and the value of my life. But I want to be important to someone else, a number 1, someone’s priority. I can’t deny that I do have awesome friends, but that will never compare to having a life partner. I get a little jealous of seeing couples together on social media or even in public. I want that. Even all the ‘bad’ stuff that comes with it such as paying bills and mortgages. 

I don’t have very much to look forward to at the moment. My main focus was getting through the lockdown period. I don’t even look forward to coming into work anymore as I have lost all motivation of any sort of progression and advancement. I feel as if everything has stopped and I’m still in the exact same place, thought that is not true I have certainly come a long way since this time last year. I think it is important to have something to look forward to. I have lost all interest in my hobbies. I’ve only played on my PS5 once for a few hours. 

You know that feeling of dread when you go to sleep at night. It’s been a bad day and you’re a little bit depressed. I’ve had that for a few days now. The only thing is each day it seems to get worse. One day I might wake up and magically be happy but somehow I doubt that. I know that they say you need to make changes today in order to make those changes for tomorrow, but it’s too hard. All I have right now is my diary to write in. 

(This was from a note found in my Notes app. I wrote it a few weeks ago I think but felt that now would be a good time as any to post it. I will probably post more in future diary entries.)

My Anxiety: Earliest Memory

My earliest memory of having anxiety was in my early teens. My curtains remained closed at all times as I was afraid of anyone seeing inside my room. I know that I wasn’t on the ground floor so it was pretty impossible but I had all those weird feelings that if my curtains were open somebody could see me. I feel that sometimes people may be watching and and judging me. If a friend came to visit and opened my blinds I would hide. Thinking back it sounds extremely pathetic but I was scared to be in public. 

Walking home from school I used to have to hide from the school buses driving past. I was usually half way home by the time they passed and I would feel that everybody on the busses would see me and I got nervous. I do understand that I’m not that important for everyone to look out for me, but I didn’t want to be laughed at. I just wanted to blend into the background at school but that was impossible because everybody knew I was gay since I was about 12/13 years old.  

I have so many memories of times that I would like to write about. It seems too difficult to speak about them now as they seem so insignificant but all that has had some sort of affect on me now. I genuinely believe that by writing about all this will help me. If the last 18 months have taught me anything about truly confiding in myself then what do I have to lose.

My Anxiety: Eating

I’m an extremely anxious eater. I have some memories of being at school and eating by myself. Not that I had no friends but I would choose to hide myself in the corner and then try and socialise when I was finished. I would never eat very much when I went out with the family for dinner. 

Some times when I got bullied at school I just wouldn’t eat. I would walk around the inside of the school building to avoid the cafeteria and just skip lunch altogether. In a sense that gave me some kind of control back into my life. Although I didn’t really understand much about it then. I was extremely underweight throughout high school and my parents were a little worried. I never spoke to anyone about it as I would just sat I was fine. Some days, back then, all I would eat would be 2 or 3 large bars of chocolate whilst watching Home and Away in my bedroom. I would consume all that within just 30 minutes. I was starved but was unable to eat more sensibly. I didn’t want anyone to see me eat. I didn’t want anyone to know that I had just eaten. That might sound a little crazy but I felt a little disgusted just by putting food in my mouth.

Now, my addiction to energy drinks has replaced my bad eating habits. Although my eating habits have improved a little, I would say they are still quite bad. For example, there was a few days this week where I only ate lunch at work. I wouldn’t eat anything when I got home and instead I slept. I genuinely don’t feel hungry most of the time. When I do I try to ignore it as I feel that I don’t need to use any of that energy because I’m not really doing much with myself.

In my previous relationship a few years ago, we ate our regularly, I was at my heaviest. My weight has never bothered me as I told myself I was fat and happy. I would rather be fat and happy, than skinny and miserable. Although I’ve never been ‘fat’, but I do look a bit pregnant at times. Eating out is one of my favourite things to do and I can never say no. There was one week in the past I’m sure I ate out 6 or 7 times in the space of a week. Now it is maybe just once a week. Not that it means anything. I wish I could eat a little healthier.

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Feeling Low

My Feelings

It has just turned midnight on Friday 16th June and I’m laying on my bed with a face mask on. It’s one of those sheet hydrating masks that I’ve used a few times before as I feel that I had to pamper myself a little. I just came out the shower and had a hair mask repair cream in as well, not sure if my hair really needs it but I wanted to try it. I’ve been feeling very low lately. 

I’ve decided to not include anything in this entry about my anxiety as I had written some stuff but it has been so mentally draining that I feel now would not be a good time, I will post more next Friday. Although I am feeling so low I am trying my best to stay more positive it has become extremely difficult. 

I got to work with Ben today (well, yesterday, sort of) and that made me so happy. It was a very busy day but I got to drive him a lot. I got a little upset last week when plans changed at work and I wasn’t working with him. He really does make my job so much more enjoyable. I wish I could work every day with him! I really hope I get to drive him again today (Friday) as I’ve asked him to make a CD for the work vehicle as there’s no Bluetooth and we both hate the radio. I just wish I could tell him exactly how I feel. There was something about him today that just made my heart melt a little bit – or it was probably the weather. 

Also I would like to add that my appetite hasn’t been all that great lately. When I’m feeling low I avoid food. I haven’t been eating properly lately and usually skip lunch when I’m at work. An older man on my team offered me a sandwich that he brought in, I know he didn’t bring it in specifically for me but I was so happy that he offered it to me. I used to be the person that brought extra lunch in with me just in case. I’m very thankful for that and it was certainly appreciated.  

Hello New Me

I’ve decided I want to change my image a little bit. I bought myself some hair dye and Lisa is going to help me dye my hair. It’s a ‘steel’ colour, which is kind of blueish grey and I’m a little unsure if it’ll work on my dark hair. I couldn’t find the hair dye I wanted that is a black that looks blue under certain lights, if the steel doesn’t work out I will need to find the blue. I haven’t dyed my hair in such a long time and I think I’m a little too old to have crazy colours such as bright blue, pink or purple! I want to look good and not like a rebellious teen. I really hope it looks good on me whatever happens. 

I would also like to get myself some new clothes and some nice new trainers. I only have one pair of trainers and one pair of work shoes. I may try and head out shopping this weekend or just get some stuff online. I usually wear quite plain clothes but I would like something with maybe a few colours in it. A nice fitted hoodie as well as I want someone to want to wear it, like when I meet a guy boy that wants to wear my hoodie because it smells like me. Maybe I could steal Ben’s hoodie!

Not only do I want to make physical changes, I would like to become someone that I want to hang out with. I feel that I need to change myself a little to find myself a partner. I get that they say you shouldn’t change yourself for anyone, but that hasn’t helped me so far. I wish I could be the nice approachable guy that I used to be. But just small steps to begin. 

Cinema

I’m going to the cinema Friday night with Nicola and Paul. The movie we are going to see, escape room, isn’t really the sort of thing I would go to the cinema for but I might like it. I love going to the cinema so much especially at night time. I don’t really enjoy watching movies myself but Andy and I watched a lot of movies together and were at the cinema multiple times a month. 

My First Boyfriend

Earlier in the week I met up with my first ever boyfriend. I guess we have always been friends but we have been saying for years that we would need to hang and catch up. He was my first boyfriend and I was only 16. He was my second kiss. We didn’t have anything in common and we were only together for about 3 weeks. I think I told him I loved him over the phone and he told me he had to go and then we broke up the next day. Looking back we were just kids and I was never truly mad at him for it. 

He’s been married for a while and they have recently moved into a new built house with a mortgage. I’m a little envious but I am so happy for him. I visited his house in the evening for a few hours we didn’t have anything planned but we were both a little bored and it just sort of happened. I really do enjoy last minute plans. I’m not really sure if we’ll meet again anytime soon as we don’t have very much in common but we just spoke about ‘the old times’ and the people we used to know. 

The Week Ahead

So it’s 00:35 and I should probably try and get some sleep. I’ve really enjoyed writing this diary entry as sometimes I forget and do it last minute on a Friday. I feel more organised and more positive. I think this weekend I will go somewhere nice by myself if I don’t make plans with anyone. It’s also a bank holiday on Monday so I get the day off work. I’ve also been playing my PS5 a little although I don’t have any PS5 games yet. I don’t want to make my expectations too high as that will just lead to disappointment but I want to be satisfied. I better get this face mask off as it’s only supposed to be on for 10-15 minutes. Until next Friday when I will write again. 

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A New Chapter

Another Introduction

I wanted to write another introduction to say a little bit about myself and what I am doing. My name is Callum from Scotland, I live about 5 minutes away from Edinburgh, and I have written diaries for a long time. I wrote my first ever diary entry in 2011 but it wasn’t until later in 2017 when I started writing more regularly. Before this year I had written almost 130,000 words and this year so far I have written nearly 40,000. 

Writing has become my main method to express myself and to get all my feelings out. I find it extremely difficult to open up and talk and when I keep things bottled inside it causes me too much stress and anxiety then I completely shut down. I really enjoy reading back my previous entries, sometimes a few weeks ago or a few years ago. I have a motto: ‘if you can’t truly confide in yourself, who can you confide in?’ I think I am quite lucky to be able to enjoy writing so much in depth of my feelings and emotions, because I have had so many struggles in the past. Even now, my struggles are very real.

A lot happened in 2017. Things that changed me completely as my entire outlook of life had become completely warped. Everything I thought I knew about myself just wasn’t true. I had no friends and was going through an awful breakup that nearly killed me. To be honest, I am still recovering from the events of that year. Most of that stuff I don’t think I could ever write about no matter how hard I tried to but one day I hope I can get the courage inside me to write about it. 

I started a blog in 2017 where I would post all my diary entries and I was overwhelmed with some of the feedback I got, so many nice comments and just one really nasty comment the entire time my blog was live. I decided to take everything offline during 2020 in the initial periods of lockdown as I started getting all these negative emotions and I couldn’t even confide in myself anymore. I made a ‘New Years Resolution’ to start another online diary and eventually incorporate all my hobbies onto my website. Writing in my diary and also some non-fiction and poetry to attempting to showcase my photography skills a little bit. I also want to write about my general day-to-day life with a focus on my mental health. I want someone to stumble upon my website and perhaps it could help them, show them that they are not alone, that things do get better.

I may repeat myself at times but I have created this online Journal in order to help myself and others. The last entry will be on the 31st December 2021 and I will hopefully find another New Years Resolution to begin with whatever that may be. I may also incorporate my other interests in this Journal such as the video games I play, the anime I watch and perhaps some other hobbies.

My Journal Layout

Friday evening is when I spend a few hours writing and updating my website. Throughout the week I may take notes on my phone about things I want to write about and I separate each weekly journal entry with it’s own subheading. This sentence was written on Monday, but won’t be published on my blog until Friday. That way I am able to slightly edit grammar add a few words here and there, although my diary is full of spelling and grammar errors like most diaries should be.

Throughout 2021 there are 53 Fridays as it happens the year began on a Friday and ends on a Friday. I had planned to write at least 1,000 words a week and when I started I wasn’t really sure what direction this would take but for the moment I am relatively satisfied with the way things are in terms of my diary content. I will also upload my ‘daily diary’ at the end of each month. I think the planned layout of this journal is important in order to organise my own thoughts inside my head.

A Need to Escape

Sometimes I have a strong urge that takes over me with the need to escape. I’m not quite sure what it is I’m escaping from but I could be just chilling in my bedroom and I just need to get out. I don’t really care as long as I get out. So, I’ll jump in my car and drive off somewhere. Sometimes I just drive to a park 5 minutes away and sit in my car and chill out with a cigarette or two, other times I drive a little further. I travel so far but not really wanting to go anywhere, I’m sure there’s a metaphor in there. 

I don’t just get those feelings when I’m in my bedroom but sometimes when I finish work too. I don’t want to go straight home. I might see if there’s anyone around for a chat or I stand in the smoking shelter pretending to play with my phone. I know this sounds quite sad but, sometimes when I finish work and I’ve driven all day, I should go home to rest, but instead I go drive somewhere because I don’t feel ready to go home. 

During the early stages of lockdown when I was unable to take my car anywhere so couldn’t go for short or long drives. I would walk somewhere and sit on the grass somewhere or find a bench. Sometimes I would walk far away and other times I would just walk somewhere in my street. I just have a need to escape reality even if its just for a few hours. Whenever I get home it just feels like I step back into a boring reality. I feel as if my situation is improving but I definitely have a long way to go. As long as I keep writing about how I feel I know that I can get through this.

I started feeling this need to escape after Andy and I broke up. Though some weeks are better weeks, I need to get to the bottom of this as I just wish I could find a happy place in life. Hopefully I find some sort of contentment soon.

My Anxiety: Introduction

This is a post that I’ve written a few times but deleted it because it became a bit too much. Therefore I have decided to take one small step at a time and write this in parts. I’ve suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember and it’s something that I’ve never been able to speak out loud about. To be honest, I’m not really sure where to start writing about this but it’s something I need to do for myself. I’ve suffered from anxiety episodes throughout my life and I want to write about the times I’ve felt that way. 

Copy and paste from Mind.org.uk, a website I use regularly. Anxiety is what we feel when we are worried, tense or afraid – particularly about things that are about to happen, or which we think could happen in the future. Anxiety is a natural human response when we feel that we are under threat. It can be experienced through our thoughts, feelings and physical sensations. Most people feel anxious at times. It’s particularly common to experience some anxiety while coping with stressful events or changes, especially if they could have a big impact on your life.

I am not trying to commercialise my anxiety issues in any way although I think I will try to organise my diary a little ahead of time. What I think I will do for the remainder of my ‘2021 Diary Project’ is to label the headings ‘My Anxiety: Title’. I feel this will help me a lot to open up and to not feel pressured into saying too much at once. I don’t want to overwhelm myself and avoid making so many numbered titles such as ‘My Anxiety 28’ like my ‘mental health check’ posts. This will remain my ultimate safe space for anything I want to write about.

My Anxiety: 2020

Last year my anxiety levels were at all time high. I would drive to the supermarket and sit in the car park for a few minutes before I plucked up the courage to get in for what I need. Walking towards the front door my heart stands pounding and my breathing intensives. Sometimes I need to make a list of things I need otherwise I get upset that I forgot something. I usually go in the last hour before it closes so there’s not very many people around as I hate walking past people with trollies and large crowds. It really does take a lot of energy to go somewhere like that although most of the times after I walk through the front doors I seem to be okay, that is the hardest part for me. 

Before the pandemic hit I felt as if my life was making magnificent improvements. Also reading the daily statistics the effects of the pandemic was mentally draining. I would spent most of my days in bed during the initial stages of lockdown and my mind went to many places no mind should ever wander to. I spent many hours every single day looking at the statistics and watching the news from around the world and there was nothing good in sight. 

Mental Health Check III

My last ‘mental health check’ was at the end of April and this is my third ‘check’. I thought I was doing so well at the start of the week but by the time Wednesday came I just lost all my momentum. Perhaps I tried to be too positive for too long and maybe smaller steps are needed. There has been so much to happen this week and yet not very much has happened. 

I know that I have friends, that’s not the issue. But I feel extremely lonely and I know exactly what direction I want my life to take and yet it feels like I’m asking for the impossible. My appetite has completely vanished and I only ate 1 small meal on Wednesday and on Thursday. Maybe this diary entry talking about my anxiety has drained me mentally but even physically I am in pain. My legs hurt and my neck feels stiff, I feel really ill and yet I feel as if nothing is wrong. It’s so confusing. I don’t have the energy to play video games or to watch a new anime series. I would rather just lay in a darkened room and wait for time to pass.

I can’t blame the pandemic for the way I am feeling as I have lost all hope for what is to come after. I find it hard enough to talk about my problems but eventually they become too difficult to hide. Maybe in the next week or so I can write a mental health check that is a little more positive.

I’m finding it really hard to write what I want to say. I think this has been my darkest diary entry this year. I feel it is important to post although I am so tempted to just delete everything I have written this week. I’m past the half-way mark of this project and at this very moment, this is all I have. So I will continue to write.