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Letters

Schrödinger’s Letter

I am writing this on Tuesday 8th as this has been on my mind all day at work. Schrödingers’s Cat, a thought experiment that I will explain to what my knowledge of this concept is. Inside a box contains a cat and a vial of poison is shattered inside with the press of a button. Until the box is opened the cat is simultaneously alive and dead but only when the box is opened the cat could either be alive or dead. The concept appears in many sci-fi and time travel anime and movies that I’ve watched.  I wanted to write a little about a ‘letter’ that I received today. All I could think of the entire day at work was Schrodinger’s Letter.

Last night, on Monday, I sent Ben a text saying I was in his town and that I wanted to go to KFC if he fancied it as I don’t really want to go there myself. I spent about 15 minutes writing 2 short sentences but when I sent it I sat in my car with the music down low and awaited a reply that never came, the message wasn’t even read. I pushed it out of my mind and I wasn’t really thinking about too much until the next morning.

I arrived at work a few minutes before him and when he arrived he walked to the opposite side of the room. I felt a little awkward. I was planning on acting casual and maybe mention the message I sent to him and ask if he wanted to go to KFC at some point. But, everybody else walked in and then we had to leave to get on with our day. He walked past the desk I was sitting at and placed a folded piece of paper directly in front of me. I sneakily picked it up thinking he may not want anyone to see it and I put it in my pocket. I wanted to read it as soon as possible.

There was 2 vans going out today with the entire team, Ben got in the other van and Erin was in my van although I wasn’t driving. Erin got into the van first and she sat in the back so I had to get into the front. I didn’t want to read the letter if she was able to get a glimpse of it. I wanted to sit in the back so that I could get a little privacy. We stopped off just before our destination so that we could all get a coffee, although I just had a cigarette. We didn’t speak. I still felt nervous. Throughout the day we were walking around a little and I wanted to walk near to him but I couldn’t quite form any words. I kept thinking about this letter that was in my pocket as there could have been so many things it could have said but every possibility existed.

Firstly I was kind of hoping it was a love letter. The possibility definitely existed whilst the letter remained in my pocket. Perhaps he felt the same way I do and was too shy to confess his feelings. Maybe he was going to ask me on a date and tell me that he was in love with me. He was probably a little scared to confess his feelings as he’s a little anxious about what the outcome would be.

Second possibility that was going through my mind was that he liked me but just very shy around me. Maybe he was going to apologise for not replying and wanted to ask me to hang at some point. He might have wanted to go on an adventure with me somewhere and play some video games with me at some point. I would really like that as well.

Another possibility was that it was going to be a letter to tell me that he only likes me as a friend and that I would ‘need to get over him’ and he was being nasty to be kind. A kind of way to put me down gently. Perhaps it was going to be gentle let down.

Finally, the possibility of a nasty letter, not so politely to tell me to leave him alone. Perhaps he was going to tell me how much I disgust him and how creepy he thinks I am. The letter could be explaining to me how he just wants to be as professional as possible as we need to work together but as soon as the working day is over, we become strangers.

Whatever could have been in this letter was eating away at me. I had already gone the entire day with this letter in my pocket with endless possibilities and outcomes. Before we got back into the vans to head back I went into the bathroom. I stood inside the cubicle for a few minutes and I thought about just not reading the letter until I got home as I needed the courage to even remove it from my pocket. I decided just to go for it. I removed it from my pocket and I could see some sort of writing, it was typed. 

I slowly opened this letter and it was just instructions from one of the tasks at work we have been doing. It wasn’t a letter. It was nothing. I felt so stupid. I felt like a fool. Overthinking so much that I could even believe it could have been a letter to begin with. I walked out of the bathroom trying to be as normal as possible. None of my colleagues could have guessed what has been on my mind and yet it was causing me so much anxiety. I just wanted to punch him, hug him, or just talk to him. I feel that I’m beginning to have all these emotions and I don’t know what to do with them so I just write about them.

I understand I need to face reality. I cannot keep doing this to myself as it is not healthy. I fear that I can’t even keep writing about things like this and yet this is probably the topic I write about the most, Ben. I have so much potential to offer to any future partner of mine but I have all these negative obsessive-like thoughts. I feel so comfortable when I’m working with him or even just thinking about him. He brings me a sense of peace and serenity. He is honestly the most beautiful guy I have ever laid eyes on and yet a voice in my head that says ‘he’s far too good for you’, or ‘get over it’, but I can’t help the way I feel. I also can’t help not being able to speak freely about my feelings. One of my reasons I have for keeping my diary in the first place.

Speaking about letters, I read the letter that I wrote to him on 31st March 2020. A time when I wrote a lot of letters to people that I would never send. A part of me wants to give him that letter and another part wants to write him a new letter. That might not be a good idea as it could backfire at me. I’ve not decided what I will do yet but I have 2 choices. I either keep all this bottled inside and maybe keep writing about it in my diary. Or, I tell him how I feel. I don’t know how I’m going to do that as I feel like I’ve already shown my obsessiveness to him but then I don’t really know what he is thinking. Working together alone with him last week felt so good.  I just wish we could hang outside of work to see if we get on well.

Time Lapse

Over the last week I have a new found fascination with time-lapse videos. I have already taken quite a few videos that I absolutely love. From the tide coming in at the beach, the sun setting, the blowing wind through the trees and the movement of the clouds alongside some stunning environments around where I live. I think a short ‘moving photograph’ is much more interesting than any photo or video could ever show. Most of the time lapses I have taken are with a ratio of 1 minute to 1 second, so that by sitting next to my iPhone and tripod for 30 minutes I will get a 30 second time lapse video. Also, by doing these time lapse videos gives me a chance to socialise outdoors with my friends although I am more than willing to go out by myself to do this if need be.

I’ve watched quite a few time lapse video on YouTube and I really enjoy watching them. My favourite video was from the Isle of Skye in Scotland and I would love if I could try and recreate something similar. My video might not be as great as I feel my video editing skills may not be all that great but I am more than determined to give it a go. Perhaps this could allow me to show off my part of the world with everyone else. I may post a mixture of time lapse videos, normal speed videos and the odd photograph, I haven’t quite decided yet. I may not even make a video but for now I will just enjoy creating my time lapse videos.

The Bridge

I’m not really sure if I should be writing about this. Rachel and I spent the evening outdoors together doing a time lapse video and generally catching up. She had told me she had wanted to walk along to Forth Road Bridge and I told her that I have been there many times. Rachel was driving and I gave her directions to the car park. The weather wasn’t that cold for being near 10pm as I forgot to bring a jacket or hoodie with me so I was left in my t-shirt. It was a nice short walk, though we had no intention of walking over the bridge just a little bit to get a few photographs and enjoy the view. There is a car park on the north side of the bridge that I know of and there is a path to walk down to the bridge. Although, you need to walk under the bridge to be able to cross as they seem to keep one side of the bridge closed to pedestrians and cyclists. 

Rachel commented on someone that was standing and she asked me if I thought he was alright. He had been standing ever since he came into her sight. We discussed what we were going to do as we approached him. Do we try and speak to him and ask if he’s okay as he looks like he was thinking about jumping. We were getting closer and I started to panic a little. As we were almost within talking distance, the maintenance van came along the path, 4 men got out and they surrounded the boy. He looked as if he could be my age although I didn’t get a close enough look. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but we continued to walk. Further up the path there was a part of the bridge covered in padlocks as they made a metallic sound in the wind. We looked back and seen a police van pull into the path so we decided to walk back because we were getting very cold. The police spoke to him and they thankfully managed to get him inside the van. Rachel and I walked back to her car and we drove home.

I wasn’t really sure whether or not to write about the boy on the bridge but it has been on my mind. I have no idea what he was thinking or if even he was thinking. I know that people that contemplate suicide don’t really want to die, I think about that sort of scenario a lot, not about suicide but dying in general. I just want to write here that if anything had happened and he did fall, I would have been sad! If he was thinking that nobody would have missed him or that nobody would even care that he was gone, I would care. These are not just empty generic words, I care and I hope you all the best. Perhaps in some strange chance you could be reading this in the future. Another thing, please don’t be ashamed. I’m always here if you need to speak.

I really want to read some of the things I wrote throughout 2019 as I wrote quite a lot of worrying things. It wasn’t a suicide note but a ‘just in case anything happened’ note. Sometimes I am afraid of the moment of weakness when nothing seems positive. I can’t remember the feelings I had at that time but I do remember it wasn’t exactly a great time. I know that I never want to feel that way again, though I have felt close throughout these days throughout lockdown. I actually want to attempt to post all those diary entries and letters online at some point although I think some editing may be required. 

Forager (PS4)

I started playing a new video game last weekend, Forager, an adventure/survival indie game. I think I will have finished by tomorrow as it isn’t a very large game. I had seen the game a few years ago and discovered it was available as physical disk version (I prefer physical media) and it wasn’t too expensive. I don’t have very much to say about this game but I felt it was important to add into my diary. I hope to play a lot more games that are similar to Forager and I hope to be able to purchase them physically.

Vaccinations at 63.3% (43.5%)

With an R number between 1.2 and 1.4 in Scotland, things are not looking too well. The cases and hospital admissions in Scotland are on the rise and I am a little worried. Although it seems to be cases amongst those that are not fully vaccinated. I think the important number to watch for now is the 43.5% of the entire Scottish population that have received both vaccine doses. 

This weekend I will receive my first dose of the vaccine. I hope I don’t faint, I hate needles.

Every entry in this diary, since my third entry, has the heading ‘Vaccinations at x% (x%) and the number is brackets is the both vaccination doses. I’m not really sure if I’m making sense as I am getting very sleepy but I just want to mention this before I forget. Boris Johnson, the Prime Minster, is to make a statement on TV on Monday in terms of restrictions. I think the reopening may be delayed in England as now it is supposed to be 21st June but that may be the middle of July now. 

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Repeat

Hospital 

It is currently 2am on Sunday night/Monday. I don’t know how to put this into words but I’m going to try. I had to take my dad to the hospital as he was having pain down his left side and the pain has been there for around 3-4 weeks but tonight it became unbearable. He is currently spending the night in hospital and we will get more news tomorrow morning. I hope it’s nothing too serious but they have mention fluid in his lung, or perhaps a collapsed lung. We will yet learn more. 

I am currently sitting in the bath, perhaps a little too much information, but I want everything else to remain as normal as possible. I had my Sunday pamper night planned for a while now so I used my bath bomb from lush; didn’t quite get around to doing face masks and I can’t be bothered shaving my face – but that’s not important. 

It was just a normal Sunday. I slept in until around 12/1pm as I had a late night gaming session. My parents went to visit my sister and nephew at a park half-way between our houses as it was a really nice day. I’m a little gutted I wasn’t awake to go but it was last minute plans and I enjoyed my gaming session. My parents ordered Chinese for tea and I done my usual, after food I had a cigarette and then went back to my PS4. My mum shouts up the stairs to me and I paused my game to see what she was wanting. She told me that she was taking my dad to the hospital as his pain is getting worse. My dad clearly didn’t want to go and thought it would pass, so he wanted to go for a cigarette to see how he felt. So we sat in the back garden for a few minutes before he decided he had to go. We got our shoes on and I started my car up, making sure we had all my dads medication with us just in case. 

I drove almost 90mph to get to the hospital and we arrived a little before 6pm. My mum and dad both went in, I parked the car and waiting in the car for what felt like forever. Texting my mum asking if there was any updates. Eventually she told me just to come in as there was other people waiting, as covid restrictions had been lifted a little unlike last time I was here. My had had already seen the triage nurse and he told me he was just waiting for an available cubicle. I don’t even know how long we waited for but it felt like forever. I sat in between my mum and dad, watching everyone else in the waiting room. There was so many different age groups in here, including a couple brought in by the police. Then, a doctor called out my dads name and he left, he was able to walk by himself without need of a wheel chair like the first time we came. 

I decided to go for a cigarette out the front of the hospital as the waiting room was far too hot. I bought a cold drink for me and my mum to share. After my cigarette, I sat in the same spot. We waited for just over an hour before the same doctor came back out and called out ‘family of dads name’, and then we proceeded to walk through to the little diagnosis room. We were unable to see him due to covid restrictions on the ward. The doctor explained to us that he had done X-rays and they think it could be a fluid in his lung, or a collapsed lung, that they had taken blood and sent it off for testing and that it may be a while so we were best just to go home. He told us that my dad was saying he wanted to go home, but they had attached pain killers through a drip so he was best staying. 

When my mum and I got back to my car at 10pm, I called my sister straight away and we spoke to her to tell her what had happened. When I went for my earlier cigarette I had text her husband to let him know. I didn’t want to text my sister directly in case she was breast feeding and I’m not very good at breaking bad news. Of course she is worried, but I am so glad we let her know as soon as it happened. I want to tell her everything along the way as she has every right to know. 

When I got home I went for another cigarette and my mum and I put out both of the wheelie bins for tomorrows collection. My mum made something to eat before she went to bed and I returned to my PS4 as I just left it on pause. Not really feeling like gaming but I wanted a distraction for a chance to reflect on things. The hospital called just after 11pm and that’s when they told us to call back ‘late morning’ as that’s when they will know more. We both hope he will get out tomorrow but a part of me is a little unsure. 

Contemplating whether or not I wanted to go in the bath. I was going to just have a quick shower but, I know this sounds crazy, I want things to be as normal as possible. I’ve already been speaking to Lisa, Rachel and Dani throughout the evening and I told Dani that I want to still go for our old work mini reunion to Nandos. I will also still be going into work tomorrow. I need a distraction and I need normality. I don’t know what the outcome will be but I may or may not write anymore of this in my diary, I don’t want that pressure hanging over me. But again, I felt the need to write about this so badly. Now, I need to get out of the bath and have a shower before I make something to eat before I sleep. 

Do I ever think of dying?

Before I write any more, this post is not a cry for help, just some thoughts. It is Monday at 2030 hours and I drove to the park where I regularly write. I am exhausted but had to get out of the house. I think I am beginning to write more as my dad is still in hospital and I’m unsure when he will get out, though my mum remains ever optimistic. I felt that being in the house was suffocating me and I’m not really in the mood to socialise so once again I will confide in myself. 

I was dreading going into work today. Not just because I only had 2-3 hours sleep but because I was working with Ben. I’ve barely spoken to him since before Christmas but today it was just the two of us. When I got into work I told my boss that my dad was in hospital and that I would like to keep myself busy although I considered calling in sick. Luckily Ben was able to drive today so I didn’t have to concentrate too much on directions and remembering how to drive. Besides everything that has happened these last few days I want to write a little about my day, as trivial as this may seem. 

We made small talk. First place we went to we had to go for a little walk around the building to find the entrance and I followed him. I was nervous. I had nothing to say. I let him take the lead. When we got back to the van I got a little more chatty. At the second place we visited I felt like I took a bigger lead, first walking in, doing all the talking, asking for help to move a piece of furniture! When we were leaving a bird done a massive shit next to where we walked, those are the weird things I feel the need to write about. I asked him if he would take me through the McDonalds drive through for lunch to get a happy meal for Pokémon cards. He didn’t mind at all, I asked if he wanted anything but he had his lunch with him. I really enjoyed sitting in the van having lunch with him. The third and final site visit of the day was just a 5-10 minute job and I wish it could have been longer so I could spend more time with him. The drive back to our base he asked me a strange question, ‘Do you ever think of dying?’ I was shocked and speechless. Then he laughed and said that wasn’t a threat. 

I didn’t lie to him and I told him that I’ve definitely thought about it. But that I believe those that really want to die in fact just want to live a better life. I think I could probably write 1,000’s of words on my thoughts but I’ll refrain from doing that. The conversation felt a little like the one we had last March, the day lockdown was officially announced. I wish that we had longer to chat about it as I really want to know exactly what goes on in his head, I feel that we are on very similar wavelengths. I also feel that history is repeating and not in such a good way. I really really really wish we could be friends and hang outside of work again sometime. I wish we could be more than just friends but now is not the time to think of that. 

This is the second day in a row I have written in my diary. I have a mini ex-work reunion tomorrow (4 of us in total) and I really want to write about that as well. I feel the need to write is important right now but still as dedicated to only upload my diary on a Friday. Now, it is 9pm and I want to go to the supermarket for fuel and then go to the car wash as my car is filthy. So much bird shit! I also ran out of screen wash. 

Reunion

As it’s almost midnight on Tuesday 1st June 2021, I wanted to write something to continue my little daily writing streak. Today was quite an eventful day! But in such a good way. 

I got into work just like every other morning. Everything seemed okay. I was working with Erin but had to text her before we met to tell her my dad was in hospital as I didn’t really want to talk about it but to warn her that I may be a little off and possibly on edge. I may get a little frustrated or be silent but I didn’t mean anything by it, she understood. The morning went a lot better than expected but decided to open up a little at lunch time. I tried to be as calm as possible and I managed to get the things off my chest that I needed to. After lunch we met up with Ben and another colleague for a job and that cheered me up a lot. 

I forgot to mention that our job has been extended by a few more months so that means we will have to work together more and I don’t want any sort of unwelcome atmosphere filling the air at work. I need to try and remain the best possible version of myself, especially at work. I hope that we can rebuild friendships in the coming weeks, I enjoy our team effort and it really does make me feel great inside. 

I had a dinner date with 2 ex-work colleagues, Dani and another close colleague that I haven’t properly spoken to since I left at the start of 2020. I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t nervous because I was, but those feelings quickly faded. Dani and I had talked about going to Nandos for about 3-4 years and this was us finally getting the chance to do so. I value her friendship a lot as with my other ex-colleague as well. I hope we can do more things together real soon! Also, I have a small crush on one of the waiters at Nandos as he always serves my table, he is so pleasant, I think he’s been there for a few years now. 

As I sat in the back of the car heading through to Nandos I received a phone call from my mum. She told me that she was just about to pick up my dad from the Hospital. He was coming home! He spent only 2 nights in the hospital but it felt a lot longer, memories came flooding back of the many weeks during hard lockdown last year where he just wasn’t at home. I don’t know how my mum was able to cope, she is so optimistic about everting and refuses to think about any possible bad outcome. Although my dad got out, the hospital didn’t actually do anything, they don’t know what’s wrong and he got a few scans done and needs to go back in 2 weeks. I told him that they obviously don’t think it’s mega serious otherwise he would stay in for longer. I can definitely tell he’s glad to be home and we are all so glad he is here with us. 

I don’t think I have anything else to add to this part of my diary but it has certainly been a reunion in many senses. Old work colleagues, working closely with my current smaller team, and of course my dad coming home! I’m going to take a shower before I sleep as I start work earlier tomorrow. I’m kind of excited to see Ben again. I might bring him a can of juice in the morning. I also don’t have very many plans for the rest of this week so hopefully I can have a chilled evening soon. 

Vaccinations at 60.9% (39.7%)

To be completely honest I think I have written so much during this week that I’m not entirely sure what else to add apart from the vaccination status. Another steady increase from this time last week although case rates have increased a lot! Almost 1,000 cases today and yet most of Scotland are moving down to level 1 restrictions tomorrow. I don’t really want to talk very much about lockdown in this weeks entry as I think it is too soon to tell what is going to happen in the future. I will possible write more about it next week. As for now, I am in a good place and I feel my life is on an upward trend to happiness. But I guess we’ll see what has yet to come. As this week has felt a repeat of some of the previous lockdown diary entries from last year but, again, I don’t want to focus too much on that just now.

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Uncertainty

Anxious Heart

So I’ve decided to start naming some subheadings as names of soundtracks from the Final Fantasy series. Just for the reason that I think it looks kinda cool and a little creative. I don’t think I’ll delve too much into the actual video game series in these entries but the ‘Anxious Heart’ is definitely what I’m feeling at the moment. 

I had a mini anxiety attack earlier today (Tuesday). I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now although the thoughts are very different from last year. As I’m not even half way through the work week yet everything seemed to pile on when I arrived at work. I got extremely worried and I didn’t really ‘see the point’, nothing to do with actual work as I love my job. I was the first to arrive but was later than usual, I was filled with so much uncertainty of the day ahead (and also for the week ahead). Some members of my team are moving onto different jobs and I didn’t get one of the jobs. So, my temporary contract is due to finish in 4 weeks. I’m really starting to get worried. Tomorrow will be my last day with my full team as I have 2 days holiday for Thursday and Friday. Unfortunately I won’t be able to see everyone due to covid restrictions we are unable to all meet in the same room let alone arrange a night in the pub. It makes me a little sad. 

As of writing this I am sitting down a local park in my car at nearly 10pm. It’s not quite dark yet and I do enjoy the view here. This is one of the parks where I’ve regularly written many diary entries as I feel a little at piece here. I’ve been here with many different people, walks/adventures and just general catch ups especially during lockdown. This is where I came with Erin and Ben more than a year ago – before original lockdown. I wish I could go back to that moment and perhaps act a little differently. I think I did something wrong. I don’t know what to expect from the next 3-4 weeks at work as I will still be working with both of them. I sincerely hope we can be at least civil, although I would love it if we could all be friends. 

One of the reasons I really enjoy sitting down this park at night is that it’s never too busy. Cars come in and out with people doing the same as I am. There’s also many dog walkers and cute dogs to look at. Just general people watching and a reminder that the world is still turning even though it may not feel like it sometimes. 

Not only that, but I feel that I’m running out of time in the dating world. I’ve certainly been much more social these last few weeks but I still find it quite difficult to interact with new people and to form any new friendships. I feel like I have way more friends that I would have ever believed, especially my lonely feelings of last year. But sometimes great friendships aren’t enough to fully satisfy my life. I feel extremely unsatisfied and insecure. I enjoy coming out myself to go for long drives or to sit somewhere to clear my head, but I just wish I had someone significant to do that with. Although alone time will always be important to me. This 2021 diary will definitely be a turning point, as big changes are coming and I really don’t know what to expect. I just wish to make some progress and not fall back anymore than I already have. 

If this was in my last diary this would be an entry by itself, although I quite like the idea of writing throughout the week and uploading everything on a Friday. It keeps things a little more consistent and organised. I have to constantly remind myself the reasons for writing in my diary even if that means I constantly feel that I am repeating myself. I am full of determination to have a complete record of me on my website. 

Neck Pain

Earlier in the week, on Tuesday, I had a stiff neck and it was a little painful. It hurts when I look left (such as looking over my shoulder to check my blind spot when I’m driving) and over the course of the week it has gotten a little bit worse. I think my lymph node is a little swollen and I hope it passes soon. I’ve already ruled out it being covid (although it is not a symptom, I don’t have a cough/fever or a loss in taste/smell) as I have done 2 lateral flow tests, one on Tuesday and one today (Friday).

As I did previously with my stomach pain back in February I think it is important to record these things. There’s a high chance it is probably nothing but just in case it develops over the next week or so. It might be forgotten about by then and I am certainly not a hypochondriac but as everyone knows googling symptoms always brings out the worst.  

First Shopping Trip 2021

My first shopping trip of the year and it was payday. Rachel and I had plans to go to Wagamama, our favourite Japanese restaurant and we decided to go for a shopping trip as well. I was so excited to get out into the shopping mall and go to HMV (having a look at the CDs and possibly buy some anime or video games). I was a little disappointed as I didn’t see anything I wanted. Probably the first time I’ve stepped foot in there without buying anything. I did get a little annoyed as people seem to find it difficult to follow the one-way arrows on staying to the proper side of the walk ways.  I also felt a little agitated wearing my mask in the indoor mall but it has just become a part of normal life now.

I went into lush, the smelly store that sells all those nice handmade cosmetics. I spent a little over £70 on body wash, shampoo, moisturiser and a bath bomb. I want to make more of an effort in my appearance and I am feeling great already.

Vaccinations at 58.5% (36.1%)

Unfortunately cases of covid have increased quite a lot over the last week or so and the ‘R number’ is now between 1.0 and 1.3 and I am a little worried what the next few weeks will have in store for us. I’m very unsure what will happen next month, as the Prime Minister, Boris, suggests 21st June will be a date that all legal limits on social distancing will be over such as the 2 meter distance and wearing of masks. In Scotland in the next week or so we may move to level 1 restrictions. Though, I think more easing of restrictions will have to wait.

The only positives that I’m clinging onto the high number of vaccinations in Scotland with more than half of the entire Scottish population having at least 1 dose of the vaccine. I am also getting my vaccine in the next few weeks but I have a date and a time already. I think that the most important thing for me right now is to focus on the positives such as the death average being at 0.5 (7 day average) and the low number of hospital admissions. 

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Overbusy

Exhausted

I am so exhausted. Scotland, last Monday, went down to covid level 2 in most mainland. So, I was able to visit another household and being able to go out with even less restrictions. Of course I am very happy about this! But, I am so exhausted. I feel as if I have done as much this week as I have done the rest of the year combined. 

I feel that I’m just catching up on lost time. Still going to work throughout the week and then having big plans in the evening. I’ve also had so many late nights and had to nap just after work so I had the energy to do things. It’s a little overwhelming. I want to write about some of the things I’ve done in this diary entry.

Household Visit

So, I really haven’t been to many other households this week. But on Monday I was hanging out with a friend that I hadn’t seen in a few years because we had a big fall out. We were catching up and decided to see what Steven was up to as we are all friends. We got to Stevens house a little after 8pm. It felt a little crazy being in his house with someone else so late at night and what we were doing was completely legal. It felt nice just to relax and we all sat on the couch together watching video game trailers and sone anime clips. It felt like a normal night and it wasn’t planned.

I had plans for a movie night at Lisa’s but that hasn’t happened yet. But we will hopefully be able to do that this week at some point. It feels like such a relief being able to visit my friends indoors again.

Nando’s

I have been talking about Nando’s for so long. It is one of my favourite restaurants. I had Nando’s last year but because they only offered a takeaway service it wasn’t quite the same. Rachel and I had planned to go here as soon as it was allowed and it felt like such an awesome experience. We also didn’t have to share cars to get here as it was a bit of a drive. It felt so good not worrying about social distancing in her vehicle. 

We have plans to go to Wagamama next week but I’m not sure if we will try get a shopping trip arranged or if we plan to just eat out. 

Vaccinations at 56.4% (32.4%)

The cases in Scotland seem to be on the rise again but with our vaccinations at such a good rate I feel that the hospitalisations and deaths related to covid will stay low. It is such a worrying time as we are unlocking, cases are expected to rise, I think I might get my first vaccination soon. But I don’t have very much else to say on the matter at this time. I’m trying my hardest not to overthink and get myself worked up over it all.

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Memories

Old Teacher

I bumped into an old teacher from when I was at primary school (when I was about 11/12 years old) and somehow she was the only teacher I couldn’t remember. At first I was determined that she had mistaken me for someone else, but she knew my first and last name. She then proceeded to say more names of my class mates of the time. I had suddenly remembered that my P7 teacher was off for a few months (I’m not sure why he was off) and this teacher was in fact covering us for the time he was off. 

We were only able to speak for 5 or so minutes but she reminded me of the end of year show we put on. Every year there would be a show that the whole school would put together for the rest of the school and then for parents in the evening. She reminded me of my solo piece where I came on stage in front of everyone with a painters pad/palette and a paint brush and would pretend to paint the audience and then screw up my face. Obviously it was relevant to the theme of the show but I can’t remember anything else from that night. I can remember feeling so nervous and I took so much pride in my 2 minutes of fame on the stage. I can’t believe that this teacher remembered me after about 20 years and she unlocked a memory I never even knew I had.

Another thing I remembered after speaking to my old teacher, a little unrelated, but it was my sisters end of year service. She never had a solo piece like I did in my final year but her class sang a song. I can’t remember what the song was but I think it was a charity single for something. I must have only been about 9 or 10. But I can remember that she cried and everybody in my class looked at me because they knew she was my sister and I couldn’t stop crying myself. My sister was sad that she was leaving primary school and off to the big school. Although this event is for the entire school, it was always a little emotional for those that were leaving. I think these days they may call it a mini graduation and that is exactly what it was like. 

A Creepy Encounter

Okay, so my headings might be a little too extreme but this was quite a creepy encounter I had with a friend. I use the word friend lightly as I’ve only met this guy a handful of times. He lives around a 45 minute drive away from me and we had made plans a few days in advance. The original plan was to meet half way and maybe take a walk in the park, we hadn’t planned that much when he suggested other plans. He asked me to go to his house. I understand that household visits are not allowed at this point but I felt like it could be justified. His grandad, who he lives with, has been in hospital for a few days and he wasn’t getting out anytime soon. He told me that he has had no contact with anyone else, other than his grandad, for weeks. So I thought that it would be okay to go visit him for a bit. I arrived at his around 8pm. 

Things seemed all right when I arrived as he was finishing off tidying up his kitchen. I stood in the hall way for a few minutes as he was looking for his cigarettes. His music was blaring a little too loud and I found it quite difficult to hear him. He then proceeded to get out a box and some strange kind of packet. It was a covid test. He wanted me to take one and at first I thought he was joking around but he was very serious. I completely understand if he wanted me to test myself before arriving but I felt like it was forced onto me without any warning. I was already in his house. As we waited for my results we stepped outside for a cigarette and to chill out for 20 minutes.

When we got back indoors, my covid result was negative, and he asked me if I could smell the smell he could smell. I had no idea what he was talking about and then he said it was a little like burning. He checked his cooker. Told me it wasn’t his candle and it was generally strange. I jokingly asked if it was me and held out my t-shirt from my chest. He looked disgusted and told me that it was. I said that I had been on a sun bed the previous day and its probably just the sun bed smell. He told me that I had to shower. Again, I laughed and thought that he was joking but he was very serious. At this point I thought about just leaving but noticed that he had quite a fancy power shower and I kind of wanted to try it. The shower had great pressure and I spent a little longer than needed to in there. After my shower I put my boxer shorts back on and sat in the living room with him, I didn’t have body confidence issues at this point as he is a slightly larger guy.

We decided to order pizza and watch a bit of TV as I attempted to speak about what he had been up to. Conversation was a little difficult but somehow the pizza delivery was faster than expected. Again, conversation didn’t really seem to pick up. Afterwards we went into his bedroom and sat on his bed and watched a few YouTube videos. His bedroom was pretty bare, there was no kind of personalised decoration or very much colour to his bedroom. White bedsheets, white carpet, black TV unit, grey curtains. You can definitely tell a lot about a person by what is in his bedroom. I found it very hard to figure out what his interests were, could it be possible he had no interests. 

It was almost midnight and I told him I had to go home soon. I lied and said that I had plans in the morning. We went for a final cigarette in his garden before I collected my things (empty juice can and my jacket) and I asked him when he was going to see his grandad. He told me he didn’t know and that he was going to call in a few days. I mentioned to him that my dad spent a good portion of last year in hospital and that I was there for him if he needed. Although he didn’t seem interested in anything I had to say. I understand that he was probably not in the greatest mental state but to not even acknowledge something important to me like that felt a little insulting. I enjoyed the drive home but I didn’t feel that great about seeing my friend, more like a chore, and I felt him to be a little too controlling.

An Almost Isolation

I was with Lisa earlier in the week and we were just chilling out in our cars down at the beach as we regularly do. Lisa got a phone call from one of our friends with some not so good news. She had just tested positive for covid. Lisa had to return home immediately as she had to self isolate. We discussed a little of the contact they had a few days prior as we drove back to the street where Lisa lives. We had a conference chat with the 2 of us plus our friend to discuss how everyone was feeling. 

We all ordered lateral flow tests, the ones that you do at home and get results within half an hour. The tests arrived the next day and Lisa and I were both negative but as the contact tracers contacted Lisa about her isolation period, they suggested she go for a PCR test (the one that gets sent away to the labs). Thankfully that was also negative. 

Lisa has to test again before her isolation period ends so that she is able to return to uni. She also plans to do another lateral flow test beforehand. I also have a few more tests that I will do, just in case. Neither of us have any symptoms so there’s a great chance we don’t have covid but I think at this stage its better to be safer than sorry. I have been keeping in more contact than usual with Lisa in case she needs anything, but her housemate and boyfriend are also there for her as they don’t need to isolate either.

Level 2 Restrictions

Scotland moves to level 2 covid restrictions on Monday 17th May. Every region in Scotland apart from Moray which will remain in level 3 for an extra week. This means that we are now allowed to visit our friends and family indoors and we don’t need to physically distance when indoors. Also, we are allowed to travel anywhere in Britain as the restrictions are eased throughout the UK. I just hope that this is a permanent lifting of restrictions.

This means that I am able to visit my friends in their homes and instead of sitting down a beach in our cars we can sit in our houses with each other. I can’t wait to have a movie night at Lisas or to have Nicola and Paul over at my house for a video game night. I am also trying to arrange some drinks with my sister and one of our friends (my sisters best friend and my ex-work colleague) and one of our other friends. We used to all have a drink together every other month or so and I think I’ve only seen our friend 2 or 3 times throughout lockdown and that is when I have been in the supermarket. 

I also have a feeling that I’m allowed to date again and possibly meet new people. I feel that I’m allowed to make plans for the future again. I just hope that restrictions don’t get tighter again. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle another lockdown. 

Vaccinations at 54.6% (28.8%)

I feel that this final sub heading will is not really required anymore, as I have said previously, but I still feel the need to include it. This is more for my reference when I look back on my diary I want to be able to see where in the pandemic we are as I read my entries. Case rates in Scotland have been on a slight increase this last week although we are easing restrictions. I feel that we are heading towards herd immunity at this stage. I know that throughout the UK there is 998 people in hospital with covid. This is the first time this has happened since the middle of September last year. 

Although I am still extremely anxious of what will happen in the future. This last time year I was sat at home and my dad was in hospital and I felt like I was trapped in a terrible movie. But, as always I am so thankful for being able to write and record these diary entries and I will continue to do so for the rest of the year.

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More Normality

Changes to My Diary

So I have decided to make a few small changes to my diary. Of course my promise to update every Friday still stands. I plan to write my subtitled entires throughout the week, with this paragraph written on Tuesday, as by just writing on a Friday could be a little stressful. As for the 1,000 word target I set, I feel that doesn’t really apply anymore as most of my entries are double that target. I would also rather write far too much than not enough, I will write whenever I feel the need to. 

Keeping in mind the reasons for starting this online blog/diary. Primarily doing this for my mental health as I have done for many years before but also if someone was to read this and potentially help them then that is a bonus. As I’ve said in my first entry this year, I don’t expect fame or riches, but I would like to widen my reader base. This is my story but it is influenced by those around me. 

Also my daily diary page on my website hasn’t been updated for a while. I am still writing it every day! I will try to write a little more about each day and try my best to keep on top of my website. My goal is still to have all of my writing material on my website in same form by the end of this year. Perhaps I will include my daily diary entries in a slightly different format within my blog.

First Time Eating Out 2021

The restaurants have opened their doors for indoor dining and as part of my birthday celebrations I went for a meal with Nicola and Paul. I was really looking forward to it and it did not disappoint. I had a shower, shave, washed my face and then put on my good jeans and my best T-shirt. Nicola and Paul themselves looked like they made an effort also. This was the first time we were allowed to eat out in 2021 after the easing of some restrictions. 

For starters I had chicken fritters which is what I would usually have. For my main it was pasta. Nothing out of the ordinary but just being able to sit inside with my friends felt extraordinary. There was so much ambient noise going on and a little drama in the kitchen as they were rushed off their feet. As by social distancing measures, there were screens between each of the booths although you don’t really notice them. A mask is required in order to walk to and from your table as well. I think everyone has grown accustomed to what is now the ‘new normal’ and it doesn’t really bother me. 

I drove home myself, as we still took our separate cars, I put my music up a little. It was a nice 20 or so minute drive home but I started to get a bit of a headache. It must have been a little overwhelming being in a room with so many people talking and such a busy place. I usually avoid taking paracetamol where possible but I felt I had to take some. I then got into my bedroom and climbed into my bed to close my eyes for a little while. This was just the first time eating out this year, I hope that it will yet again become a regular occurrence for me and my friends. 

The next day, on the Sunday, Nicola messaged me asking if I wanted to go for a chippy and I was more than happy to accept the invite. We also went for ice cream and was so glad to see that the queues aren’t quite as big as we expected and didn’t have to wait so long. Hopefully this signals the return to more normality.

Plans to Eat Out Again

I met up with Rachel throughout the week and we sat down with an awesome view of a Loch and talked a little of our photograph skills. We attempted to capture a few photographs during the ‘Golden Hour’ when the sun is setting and the sky is lit up beautifully but the weather wasn’t all that great. We both see ourselves as pretty amateur photographers with our iPhones but some of the photos we have taken are absolutely spectacular.

We sat here for a few hours after going for a sun bed session. I hope to start going once a week again because I believe it makes my skin look much healthier and I feel better mentally for it, I am aware of the risks. We made plans for eating out in 2 weeks time, finally to go to Nandos together. I’m really excited about just being able to make plans like this freely, something that was so normal to us pre pandemic times and would usually be last minute plans. 

We might even go for a little shopping trip as it has been so long. We talked about going back to Amsterdam at the end of the year and I would love that so much. Obviously that is dependant on the travel restrictions at the time for both Scotland and the Netherlands.

Player 2

I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently, perhaps for a few years and I have mentioned it multiple times in my writing. I really think it’s about time I met someone, started dating, get myself a boyfriend/partner. Now is the perfect time for me to start dating again. I’ve tried many times over the last 4/5 years but I just find it too hard to connect with anyone. I miss being in a relationship so much. I don’t want to be with someone just for the sake of it, I just want to share my life with someone and to take an interest in their interests. Does that make sense?

The little things that I do or change myself and nobody notices or appreciates them. I bought myself a new earring, I have a stretched earlobe, and have worn the same style earring for about 7/8 years (I have about 3 that are the exact same style) and decided I needed a change. It’s not just the earring but all the little changes I make that nobody even notices or appreciates, apart. I understand that I make those changes for myself but just if I had a partner that could say something like, ‘I like the new earring’, would make me feel fantastic. 

It’s not all about aesthetics of course. I would love to watch movies and play video games and perhaps show off the kind of games that I play and hopefully expand my gaming interests of something they like playing. Ideally someone that can play scary games so I can hide behind a cushion. Maybe watch a movie that I wouldn’t even think about watching but I might really enjoy it. My friends are great, but going for adventures with someone special will make those adventures much more memorable. I’d like to stay over at a hotel somewhere far from home and enjoy a new scene and make some happy memories. 

Some of my friends may think I ‘fancy everybody’, but to be honest I find it hard to actually fall for someone. I really liked Ben from work and I honestly thought he felt a little different but I actually think he can’t stand the sight of me. I see him almost every day at work but he barely speaks to me, he might say hi if he is with anyone but makes it impossible to strike up conversation with. I tried to make conversation this week and he basically ran away from me, he just kept walking towards his car and just left, I felt so stupid and very embarrassed. I wrote him a letter last March, along with many other letters, I just wish I was able to give it to him and maybe he would fall in love with me. I still think he is metaphorically the best fish in the little pond. He would make a perfect player 2.

Vaccinations at 52.7% (26.1%)

There has definitely been very little progress of the first doses given in Scotland with just a 1.4% increase. A 3.7% increase of second doses given. More than a quarter of Scotland is fully vaccinated. As I think I’ve said in previous posts, I don’t obsessively read news about COVID every single day like I used to at this time last year. But I still read up the daily updates and I really do feel for some other countries that aren’t doing so well in their vaccinations. There is currently 68 people in hospital with COVID (that number was 67 this time last week) but that number has dipped to 58 twice this week. Unfortunately there has been 2 deaths in Scotland in the last 7 days. 

31.4% of all Scottish adults have been fully vaccinated. 1.26 billion people worldwide have received at least 1 vaccine dose. I think it is important to look for the ‘good news’ during times like these as that is a little harder to find as the media seem to only focus on the worst of the news. 

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Gaming Birthday

Taurus 

I am a Taurus, so I was born between 20th April and 20th May. I have never disclosed in any of my diaries when my birthday is for many reasons. I know this might sound a little pathetic (or weird), but I prefer to spend my birthday alone. Though I do appreciate every single birthday message and card I receive – in fact I take it very personally to those that take the time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. The messages I receive annually grow fewer and fewer each year but that just means I appreciate the messages more. I always get cards from my parents and relatives as well. When I was partnered with Andy, I would receive a happy birthday message on midnight and it made me smile. 

Avoiding disappointment is a priority. If I had a significant other I would probably celebrate a little more on the actual day of my birthday. But I feel that if I put too much effort into plans onto one specific day and things don’t work out the way I had planned, I would be a little upset. I’m not blaming any of my friends as some circumstances are unavoidable! I like to treat the day as a normal day but I somehow mark it in my own way, such as travelling to a wishing well to make a birthday wish. 

Celebrations are still vital for my birthday although I do them a little differently. I like to have miniature events with different friend groups. After all, it is important to mark an occasion I just don’t understand why it has to be on that specific date. Even if I had a partner, I would just expect a nice dinner, movie or an adventure somewhere. 

Last Monday, I went for a birthday walk with Lisa and my other (unnamed) friend. We went somewhere new and I got a few nice photographs of the scenery. The place we went was about 10-15 minute drive away, but I had never even heard of the place. It was a quiet walk next to a little reservoir with plenty of sheep in the fields, it was really nice. 

Tomorrow, on Saturday, I have a table booked at a local restaurant with Nicola and Paul, this will be the first time I’ve eaten out this year as lockdown restrictions have been lifted to allow hospitality to open up. I don’t expect them to pay for my meal, I just want to enjoy their company a little more. I wonder if we could do something exciting after, perhaps a game of crazy golf depending on how we are all feelings.

Callum Ross, the writer and author, will always be 32 years old. At least for the duration of this diary project and story writing on my website as I’m a little unsure of my plans for the future of this diary/website. I see myself a little like a fictional character in some storyline universe I am creating but in fact it is my life. 

Nier Replicant ver.1.22474487139

I haven’t written an entire subtitle about a video game in a while and I feel that I should try and do it a little more in future entries. Last Friday I started playing ‘Nier Replicant ver.1.22474487139…’ on my PS4. I wrote about the tarot card I received with my game. Last night I completed it with all 5 endings after spending around 50 hours on the game. My spare time over this week has been mostly consumed by gaming so I’ve not had as much time to do other things, but I don’t regret that in the slightest. Such an awesome game and it was my first time experiencing it as it was released about 10 years ago originally but they have added extra parts to it and revamped a lot of the battling system etc, it is basically a remake.

I played Nier Automata back in January 2020 and I completed it in a week, too. Nier Automata made such a huge impact on me as I still think about it, even now.  It is an extremely philosophical game that made me question myself and reality quite a lot. I don’t want to write too much about that game or the philosophy it explores but in the very end when I sacrificed my save game to help someone else proceed to their end still lingers in my memory. I find it really hard to explain my thoughts. Although the game destroyed my emotions a little it also gifted me with a brand new perspective of life itself. That is exactly the kind of video games I want more of in the future. 

Looking forward to the future of the Nier series and to also write a little more about the video games I play in my diary. I don’t think I’ll be playing many video games this weekend as Nier Replicant has winded me with exhaustion a little. But I would possibly like to explore philosophical aspects in the future. I guess in a strange way my entire diary from the last decade is a sort of philosophical journey of a sort. 

Mental Health Check II

In an earlier post (13) written on the 26th March I wrote a ‘mental health check’ and I have decided to write a second ‘check’. I reckon I might do one of these every couple of months throughout this diary. Honestly, I’ve had a few ‘low’ days since then and I know that, at least, my last 3 entires have been a lot shorter than I would have liked, but writing has definitely helped me with my mental health as even when I read back to my first entry with my hopes of 2021 and the reasons why I write, seem to give me a little push in the right direction. I know that I have such a long way to go, but I have made some fantastic progress and I know that it will continue. 

Every entry that I have written I have mentioned the vaccinations against covid and that is one of my focuses to get through this. I don’t want to keep repeating myself but lockdown has been extremely difficult on everyone – including myself. I was speaking to a guy at work that I haven’t worked with for a while and I was telling him that I certainly was struggling at this time last year but the progress I have made I would never have believed that I could have come this far. I guess that’s proof that I am able to open up a little about my feelings.

There is definitely something missing in my life and I think that may be someone to share my life with romantically. I don’t think I’m in the right place emotionally for that sort of commitment at the moment but I wouldn’t turn it down. I don’t wish to open myself for someone and have them run away, I need to learn to do something like that gradually, like what happened with Ben. We don’t speak at work at all anymore and I don’t like it. I just wish we could have been friends at least. Of course I still like him but I can’t really speak about that out loud, they are just thoughts in my mind. 

My Office

Okay, so I don’t actually have an office, I still live at home with the parents. But throughout this week I have been thinking of a potential office I could have. As when I write at home I am usually sitting on my bed (as I am now). I feel as if I get a new job that requires me to work from home, I may need to get a better set up. The new iMac opened today for preorders and I would really love to have one, though I can’t afford it. I don’t even have anywhere I could put it as there is no desk in my bedroom. There is a potential space in my house that isn’t used very often and it is mainly for storage. I would like to speak to my parents about maybe converting that into a more workable space, as I feel it would benefit them as well as myself. 

Whenever I need a change of scene I usually go out in my car with my laptop and write, or if the weather is nice enough go out and sit on my laptop. It really is something I enjoy and don’t particular care if I look a little stupid doing that as it’s not very common to see. I think this potential office space would be fantastic and if my job situation changes it may become necessary. When my sister comes to ‘work from home’ at my house, she would sit at the dining room table, like my mum did when she worked from home last year, but I don’t feel I would be able to do that. I guess we’ll see what happens.

I have written 16 stories from ‘Chronicles of Callum’, or at least started 16 stories. I had 9 first drafts complete by the end of last month. As my goal, alongside my diary, was to aim for 100 first drafts complete by the end of the year I feel that my progress is not that bad but could be a lot better. 

Vaccinations at 51.3% (22.4%)

The number of first doses in Scotland has barely risen in the last week but the second doses certainly have. They say that 3 weeks after your second dose you are fully vaccinated. My dad got his second dose last weekend and my mum is getting hers at the end of next week.

As for the 7-day average of cases in Scotland has dropped from 227 a day last Friday to 171 today, that is some good progress, but I’m not entirely sure what that means in terms of the easing of lockdown anymore. Today there was 67 people in hospital with covid and that was over 2,000 at the end of January. Next week when I write, the vaccinations will be higher and there will hopefully be a lot less people in hospital. I will write again next week.

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A Busy Yet Positive Week

Late Weekly Update 

Unfortunately I have missed my weekly update target for the week. This entry is written on Saturday a little after 2am, just a few hours late. Currently sat watching Coronation Street waiting for my pizza in the oven as I haven’t eaten very much all day. I would say I’ve had a pretty decent week as I’ve been quite busy with work and my I’ve had more sensible bed times (apart from tonight but it is the weekend). 

Hay Fever 

I never suffered from hay fever when I was growing up but over the last few years it’s developed. This week it has been the worst it has ever been. I wasn’t even prepared with antihistamines. I rarely take over the counter drugs, them included! My hay fever only seems to affect me in the morning, driving to work with red puffy eyes and the inability to breathe properly – also a slight morning cough which is not very good during the covid crisis. I hope that 

Tarot Cards

Today I bought a new PS4 game, Nier: Replicant and it came with a tarot card, I’m a little unsure why and it was unexpected. I don’t know very much about tarot cards but I decided to do a little bit of research on it. The card I received was ‘The Fool’, representing new beginnings, having faith in the future, being inexperienced, not knowing what to expect, having beginner’s luck, improvisation and believing in the universe. The card was in the upright position as well, as apparently there is a different meaning if it is reversed. 

I don’t know if everybody received the same card with their copy of the game and if even just 1 card can give any sort of accurate reading, but I took it as a positive sign. As I do feel there is a new beginning coming and I’m really looking forward to what will happen in the near future although it still terrifies me. 

Vaccinations at 50.5% (17.4%)

Things are going so well with the vaccination progress. The second doses have really ramped up this week and next Monday we enter the next phase of easing lockdown restrictions. The restaurants will be opening up for sitting in meals and I cannot wait for that. 

To be honest I really don’t feel the need to write as much as I once did. But I still want to keep to my promise to write once a week (although this entry was a few hours late), as the last few entires have only been half of my target, I feel as I’m overdue a long update possibly in the coming weeks.

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Almost Forgot

Drive

It’s almost 9pm and I had almost forgotten it was Friday. I have had such a busy week and time has flown by so quickly! I honestly don’t feel the need to write as much as I once did, my mental state is easing back to more manageable feelings. I decided to go for a little drive as the travel restrictions have been lifted and now we are able to travel anywhere in Scotland as long as it is jot overnight.

This change was suppose to come into effect on the 26th April along with the restaurants opening up but there was an unexpected announcement on Tuesday by the first minister to say it had been brought forward to today. It feels so good to be able to leave my local authority for leisure purposes, it doesn’t need to be essential. Such as what I’m doing now sitting in my car enjoying the nice view.

Like last week, I don’t feel that I have very much to write about this week. I know if I sat down and tried to think I could probably produce something, but it would probably be meaningless. Some previous weeks I have written little notes on my phone of things to write about but I just haven’t found the time to do so.

Car Wash

As I try to wash my car at least once a fortnight to keep it looking decent, well not the same could be said for the interior. Lisa came with me and we washed my car first and then drove to hers to take her car to wash next. It’s because a social aspect. There was an older man washing his car (there is 3 do it yourself wash stations) and he complimented my car. I’ve never had a compliment on my car before and I was thinking he was just trying to strike up a conversation. He thought Lisa was my girlfriend but we didn’t correct him. He told us he was 62 years old and would never have thought that he would see a global pandemic happen in his lifetime. We stood and chatted for a while and he told us about his daughter and her first car. It was quite a meaningless banter filled conversation that probably made his day! I don’t want to make any big assumptions but we kind of guessed that he lived alone and doesn’t get very much human interaction. A part of me can’t wait to get into a pub just to listen to strangers stories of their lockdown experience. Not all the stories will be great but I am more than happy to offer an ear for listening.

Vaccinations at 49.8% (12.6%)

Almost half of the entire Scottish population has had their first vaccination as we are slowly opening back up. As we are now allowed to travel anywhere in Scotland and meet in a group of up to 6 people from 6 different households, I can definitely see a more positive future. 876 million people have been vaccinated worldwide!

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Not Much

Simply Existing

This week I don’t have very much to say and if it wasn’t for the promise I made to write every Friday I probably wouldn’t be writing. Although this week I have probably been more social than I have been for over 12 months, I feel that nothing is really changing. There’s a lot happening with the easing of lockdown restrictions, my job applications and even writing some stories, but I feel that nothing is really changing when I feel as if it should be. I want things in my personal life to just improve and possibly meet someone that I can start dating. I know the saying goes something like ‘if you want tomorrow to be better you have to make those changes today’ but I’m not really seeing any progress and it’s a little frustrating. I feel that it might be time to start taking dating a little more seriously and make some effort.

I need to remember that I had issues just before lockdown hit and I feel like I may be able to start working on those issues. I don’t even know what they are as I didn’t really have time to process anything the few days/weeks before the 23rd March 2020. I sincerely hope that in the next few weeks I will be able to see the benefits of positive thinking, hard as it may be, and perhaps see things a little more clearly. My thoughts on ‘the meaning of life’ from last March prevail.

Headaches

This is probably not a very big deal, it might be nothing. But I like to write in my diary when I start to experience abnormal pain. Wednesday at work (7th) I started experiencing a headache and I took some paracetamol even though I try to avoid painkillers where possible. They worsened throughout the day and became unbearable at night. I took some more paracetamol and it calmed down a bit. This is just a short paragraph in case anything happens in the near future. The headaches subsided Thursday night but it is still there. 

Vaccinations at 48.1% (9.6%)

Scotland continues to make progress in the vaccinations against coronavirus. The introduction of the Moderna vaccine, the 3rd vaccine approved for use within the UK, will hopefully aid with this quest. We continue to make fantastic progress in the suppression of the virus and we are on track for the unlocking of the restrictions. As with the percentages above, the 7-day average of cases within Scotland is at 312, down from 443 the previous Friday.