As the nights are getting dark by 8pm I can feel my mood getting slightly lower. It seems to be, over the last couple of years, I get a little depressed over the winter months. I’ve mentioned this before in many of my diaries but Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) affects me almost every year.
Sometimes I do things that I think help, as I don’t wish to be on any medication, not that there is any shame in it but I would like to avoid those sorts of medications. I try to go for a sun bed session every so often and try my hardest to at least spend some time in the daylight. I also try to write a little bit more and try not to keep everything bottled inside. I find it hard to express myself at the best of times but I just let myself write whatever is on my mind. It’s a bit more difficult to not have the feeling of wasting a day.
This week after work I have been going for a nap because I’ve felt so run down but when I awaken the sun has already gone. Although with the job I work in now I get to see a lot more daylight although it doesn’t feel the same when I’m at work. I lose interest in things I enjoy such as video games and watching anime. I find it difficult to laugh and joke with my friends and I can’t sleep very well at night.
It seems that at this time of year I crave something I little more ‘cozy’ if that’s a way to put it. I feel a little more lonely and wish that I had someone to spend some nights indoors with. Listening to the rain outside my window when I’m alone doesn’t make me feel good although that is something I quite enjoy doing in the summer months.
I had a thought yesterday. I wondered if my life was a book how many chapters would it have. I thought after all the recent chapters from the last decade and I narrowed it down to 5. 1) The pre-Andy year ‘The Wish’, 2) ‘The Andy Saga’, 3) ‘The Breakup’, 4) ‘My Crush’, 5) I’m in Love But Rejected.
I feel like I could maybe find some sort of inspiration from that to write a story. But I lack any sort of motivation to do something like that. I just wanted to record this little thought into my diary. Another way of looking at these chapter could be, ‘The 2020 Lockdown Diary’ and then the ‘2021 Diary of Callum’.
I really want to spend some time going through the previous things I’ve written and perhaps getting some stuff printed off. I really want to create something meaningful that will have an impact.
Terminate Another Friendship
I think a lot to myself, sometimes a little too much. Back in January 2019 I wrote a diary entry ‘Terminate a Friendship?’ and I feel as if that might be a little silly now. There’s so many things that I questioned about a certain friendship I had. Friendships are supposed to make you feel good but this certain friendship just constantly had me questioning myself. Of course it made me happy but if there is a lack of trust and a constant grudge feeling then it’s probably too late to attempt to fix it. I brought myself into a fake reality and I destroyed myself and my identify in the process. I wrote out every single possibility when in the end I actually knew what the outcome would be. I just let myself believe my own lies. I could pretend to live a lie if it brought me happiness.
I have these kind of similar feelings again but this time I just want it to be over. I hate how I feel that I need to suppress my feelings and I can no longer be my true self. I’ve tried so hard to be the person I want to be but I find it hard. I can’t continue a friendship that constantly has me worried and stressed. I don’t want to feel that I’m constantly being put down, ignored or my feelings aren’t taken into consideration. If I feel a constant paranoia I just need to cut all ties immediately. I don’t need or want a friend like that.
I struggle to forgive and I can hold grudges for a long time. The times I’ve felt bad seem to outweigh the good feelings. Some friendships just aren’t supposed to last and I feel that this might be for the best. I’m not going to lie but I hope it hurts.
Return To The Pub
Today was the first time I stepped foot into my local pub. I’ve not been here since 6th March 2020. We sat at the same table with some of the same people from work. I had a lot of flashbacks from that night. If only things could be different now but I wanted to talk about my feelings a little bit.
I felt as if my presence wasn’t wanted at the pub and I was extremely nervous about going. I wasn’t told a time to be at the pub so I sat in my car down the park about 1400 hours. I just sat worrying and overthinking every potential situation. I got a text at 1530 hours to say that they were are the pub. My worrying became more severe and I was panicked. I had so much anxious feelings as I already felt that I wasn’t wanted at the pub but what if there was no seat for me to sit at the table or what if the pub was too busy. I had a mini panic attack as I smoked a few cigarettes. I didn’t really want to be at the pub but I had stronger feelings of me not wanting to not be there.
I brought my car with me so that I could escape if I felt the need to. I also had plans for Lisa to come and collect my car keys to take my car home for me if need be. I just wanted it to all be over. The flashbacks I had from the last time I was in the pub.
Ben couldn’t even make eye contact with me. I can’t get that out of my mind. Working with him over the next few weeks is going to be so difficult but I would do anything to be as normal as possible.
My German Friend
A couple of months ago I got a message from someone I met a few years ago when I was in Berlin with Andy. He had moved to Scotland and was asking if I would like to hang out. As he had just moved he wanted to get settled into his new place and get used to living in Scotland for a while. We would occasionally send a message back and forth every couple of weeks. It was nice to chat to him again.
There was one little problem though. I couldn’t actually remember his name as I don’t think he ever told me. I was drunk when we were together but I remember we had a good time together. To cut a long story short, we are meeting this weekend. I asked him what his name was and we laughed about it. I’m a little unsure if we’re meeting as just friends or if we will possibly hook up but I’m just going to enjoy myself. I don’t think he has very many friends in Scotland so it will be nice to see if we are still able to get on.