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Uncertainty

Anxious Heart

So I’ve decided to start naming some subheadings as names of soundtracks from the Final Fantasy series. Just for the reason that I think it looks kinda cool and a little creative. I don’t think I’ll delve too much into the actual video game series in these entries but the ‘Anxious Heart’ is definitely what I’m feeling at the moment. 

I had a mini anxiety attack earlier today (Tuesday). I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now although the thoughts are very different from last year. As I’m not even half way through the work week yet everything seemed to pile on when I arrived at work. I got extremely worried and I didn’t really ‘see the point’, nothing to do with actual work as I love my job. I was the first to arrive but was later than usual, I was filled with so much uncertainty of the day ahead (and also for the week ahead). Some members of my team are moving onto different jobs and I didn’t get one of the jobs. So, my temporary contract is due to finish in 4 weeks. I’m really starting to get worried. Tomorrow will be my last day with my full team as I have 2 days holiday for Thursday and Friday. Unfortunately I won’t be able to see everyone due to covid restrictions we are unable to all meet in the same room let alone arrange a night in the pub. It makes me a little sad. 

As of writing this I am sitting down a local park in my car at nearly 10pm. It’s not quite dark yet and I do enjoy the view here. This is one of the parks where I’ve regularly written many diary entries as I feel a little at piece here. I’ve been here with many different people, walks/adventures and just general catch ups especially during lockdown. This is where I came with Erin and Ben more than a year ago – before original lockdown. I wish I could go back to that moment and perhaps act a little differently. I think I did something wrong. I don’t know what to expect from the next 3-4 weeks at work as I will still be working with both of them. I sincerely hope we can be at least civil, although I would love it if we could all be friends. 

One of the reasons I really enjoy sitting down this park at night is that it’s never too busy. Cars come in and out with people doing the same as I am. There’s also many dog walkers and cute dogs to look at. Just general people watching and a reminder that the world is still turning even though it may not feel like it sometimes. 

Not only that, but I feel that I’m running out of time in the dating world. I’ve certainly been much more social these last few weeks but I still find it quite difficult to interact with new people and to form any new friendships. I feel like I have way more friends that I would have ever believed, especially my lonely feelings of last year. But sometimes great friendships aren’t enough to fully satisfy my life. I feel extremely unsatisfied and insecure. I enjoy coming out myself to go for long drives or to sit somewhere to clear my head, but I just wish I had someone significant to do that with. Although alone time will always be important to me. This 2021 diary will definitely be a turning point, as big changes are coming and I really don’t know what to expect. I just wish to make some progress and not fall back anymore than I already have. 

If this was in my last diary this would be an entry by itself, although I quite like the idea of writing throughout the week and uploading everything on a Friday. It keeps things a little more consistent and organised. I have to constantly remind myself the reasons for writing in my diary even if that means I constantly feel that I am repeating myself. I am full of determination to have a complete record of me on my website. 

Neck Pain

Earlier in the week, on Tuesday, I had a stiff neck and it was a little painful. It hurts when I look left (such as looking over my shoulder to check my blind spot when I’m driving) and over the course of the week it has gotten a little bit worse. I think my lymph node is a little swollen and I hope it passes soon. I’ve already ruled out it being covid (although it is not a symptom, I don’t have a cough/fever or a loss in taste/smell) as I have done 2 lateral flow tests, one on Tuesday and one today (Friday).

As I did previously with my stomach pain back in February I think it is important to record these things. There’s a high chance it is probably nothing but just in case it develops over the next week or so. It might be forgotten about by then and I am certainly not a hypochondriac but as everyone knows googling symptoms always brings out the worst.  

First Shopping Trip 2021

My first shopping trip of the year and it was payday. Rachel and I had plans to go to Wagamama, our favourite Japanese restaurant and we decided to go for a shopping trip as well. I was so excited to get out into the shopping mall and go to HMV (having a look at the CDs and possibly buy some anime or video games). I was a little disappointed as I didn’t see anything I wanted. Probably the first time I’ve stepped foot in there without buying anything. I did get a little annoyed as people seem to find it difficult to follow the one-way arrows on staying to the proper side of the walk ways.  I also felt a little agitated wearing my mask in the indoor mall but it has just become a part of normal life now.

I went into lush, the smelly store that sells all those nice handmade cosmetics. I spent a little over £70 on body wash, shampoo, moisturiser and a bath bomb. I want to make more of an effort in my appearance and I am feeling great already.

Vaccinations at 58.5% (36.1%)

Unfortunately cases of covid have increased quite a lot over the last week or so and the ‘R number’ is now between 1.0 and 1.3 and I am a little worried what the next few weeks will have in store for us. I’m very unsure what will happen next month, as the Prime Minister, Boris, suggests 21st June will be a date that all legal limits on social distancing will be over such as the 2 meter distance and wearing of masks. In Scotland in the next week or so we may move to level 1 restrictions. Though, I think more easing of restrictions will have to wait.

The only positives that I’m clinging onto the high number of vaccinations in Scotland with more than half of the entire Scottish population having at least 1 dose of the vaccine. I am also getting my vaccine in the next few weeks but I have a date and a time already. I think that the most important thing for me right now is to focus on the positives such as the death average being at 0.5 (7 day average) and the low number of hospital admissions. 

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Overbusy

Exhausted

I am so exhausted. Scotland, last Monday, went down to covid level 2 in most mainland. So, I was able to visit another household and being able to go out with even less restrictions. Of course I am very happy about this! But, I am so exhausted. I feel as if I have done as much this week as I have done the rest of the year combined. 

I feel that I’m just catching up on lost time. Still going to work throughout the week and then having big plans in the evening. I’ve also had so many late nights and had to nap just after work so I had the energy to do things. It’s a little overwhelming. I want to write about some of the things I’ve done in this diary entry.

Household Visit

So, I really haven’t been to many other households this week. But on Monday I was hanging out with a friend that I hadn’t seen in a few years because we had a big fall out. We were catching up and decided to see what Steven was up to as we are all friends. We got to Stevens house a little after 8pm. It felt a little crazy being in his house with someone else so late at night and what we were doing was completely legal. It felt nice just to relax and we all sat on the couch together watching video game trailers and sone anime clips. It felt like a normal night and it wasn’t planned.

I had plans for a movie night at Lisa’s but that hasn’t happened yet. But we will hopefully be able to do that this week at some point. It feels like such a relief being able to visit my friends indoors again.

Nando’s

I have been talking about Nando’s for so long. It is one of my favourite restaurants. I had Nando’s last year but because they only offered a takeaway service it wasn’t quite the same. Rachel and I had planned to go here as soon as it was allowed and it felt like such an awesome experience. We also didn’t have to share cars to get here as it was a bit of a drive. It felt so good not worrying about social distancing in her vehicle. 

We have plans to go to Wagamama next week but I’m not sure if we will try get a shopping trip arranged or if we plan to just eat out. 

Vaccinations at 56.4% (32.4%)

The cases in Scotland seem to be on the rise again but with our vaccinations at such a good rate I feel that the hospitalisations and deaths related to covid will stay low. It is such a worrying time as we are unlocking, cases are expected to rise, I think I might get my first vaccination soon. But I don’t have very much else to say on the matter at this time. I’m trying my hardest not to overthink and get myself worked up over it all.

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Memories

Old Teacher

I bumped into an old teacher from when I was at primary school (when I was about 11/12 years old) and somehow she was the only teacher I couldn’t remember. At first I was determined that she had mistaken me for someone else, but she knew my first and last name. She then proceeded to say more names of my class mates of the time. I had suddenly remembered that my P7 teacher was off for a few months (I’m not sure why he was off) and this teacher was in fact covering us for the time he was off. 

We were only able to speak for 5 or so minutes but she reminded me of the end of year show we put on. Every year there would be a show that the whole school would put together for the rest of the school and then for parents in the evening. She reminded me of my solo piece where I came on stage in front of everyone with a painters pad/palette and a paint brush and would pretend to paint the audience and then screw up my face. Obviously it was relevant to the theme of the show but I can’t remember anything else from that night. I can remember feeling so nervous and I took so much pride in my 2 minutes of fame on the stage. I can’t believe that this teacher remembered me after about 20 years and she unlocked a memory I never even knew I had.

Another thing I remembered after speaking to my old teacher, a little unrelated, but it was my sisters end of year service. She never had a solo piece like I did in my final year but her class sang a song. I can’t remember what the song was but I think it was a charity single for something. I must have only been about 9 or 10. But I can remember that she cried and everybody in my class looked at me because they knew she was my sister and I couldn’t stop crying myself. My sister was sad that she was leaving primary school and off to the big school. Although this event is for the entire school, it was always a little emotional for those that were leaving. I think these days they may call it a mini graduation and that is exactly what it was like. 

A Creepy Encounter

Okay, so my headings might be a little too extreme but this was quite a creepy encounter I had with a friend. I use the word friend lightly as I’ve only met this guy a handful of times. He lives around a 45 minute drive away from me and we had made plans a few days in advance. The original plan was to meet half way and maybe take a walk in the park, we hadn’t planned that much when he suggested other plans. He asked me to go to his house. I understand that household visits are not allowed at this point but I felt like it could be justified. His grandad, who he lives with, has been in hospital for a few days and he wasn’t getting out anytime soon. He told me that he has had no contact with anyone else, other than his grandad, for weeks. So I thought that it would be okay to go visit him for a bit. I arrived at his around 8pm. 

Things seemed all right when I arrived as he was finishing off tidying up his kitchen. I stood in the hall way for a few minutes as he was looking for his cigarettes. His music was blaring a little too loud and I found it quite difficult to hear him. He then proceeded to get out a box and some strange kind of packet. It was a covid test. He wanted me to take one and at first I thought he was joking around but he was very serious. I completely understand if he wanted me to test myself before arriving but I felt like it was forced onto me without any warning. I was already in his house. As we waited for my results we stepped outside for a cigarette and to chill out for 20 minutes.

When we got back indoors, my covid result was negative, and he asked me if I could smell the smell he could smell. I had no idea what he was talking about and then he said it was a little like burning. He checked his cooker. Told me it wasn’t his candle and it was generally strange. I jokingly asked if it was me and held out my t-shirt from my chest. He looked disgusted and told me that it was. I said that I had been on a sun bed the previous day and its probably just the sun bed smell. He told me that I had to shower. Again, I laughed and thought that he was joking but he was very serious. At this point I thought about just leaving but noticed that he had quite a fancy power shower and I kind of wanted to try it. The shower had great pressure and I spent a little longer than needed to in there. After my shower I put my boxer shorts back on and sat in the living room with him, I didn’t have body confidence issues at this point as he is a slightly larger guy.

We decided to order pizza and watch a bit of TV as I attempted to speak about what he had been up to. Conversation was a little difficult but somehow the pizza delivery was faster than expected. Again, conversation didn’t really seem to pick up. Afterwards we went into his bedroom and sat on his bed and watched a few YouTube videos. His bedroom was pretty bare, there was no kind of personalised decoration or very much colour to his bedroom. White bedsheets, white carpet, black TV unit, grey curtains. You can definitely tell a lot about a person by what is in his bedroom. I found it very hard to figure out what his interests were, could it be possible he had no interests. 

It was almost midnight and I told him I had to go home soon. I lied and said that I had plans in the morning. We went for a final cigarette in his garden before I collected my things (empty juice can and my jacket) and I asked him when he was going to see his grandad. He told me he didn’t know and that he was going to call in a few days. I mentioned to him that my dad spent a good portion of last year in hospital and that I was there for him if he needed. Although he didn’t seem interested in anything I had to say. I understand that he was probably not in the greatest mental state but to not even acknowledge something important to me like that felt a little insulting. I enjoyed the drive home but I didn’t feel that great about seeing my friend, more like a chore, and I felt him to be a little too controlling.

An Almost Isolation

I was with Lisa earlier in the week and we were just chilling out in our cars down at the beach as we regularly do. Lisa got a phone call from one of our friends with some not so good news. She had just tested positive for covid. Lisa had to return home immediately as she had to self isolate. We discussed a little of the contact they had a few days prior as we drove back to the street where Lisa lives. We had a conference chat with the 2 of us plus our friend to discuss how everyone was feeling. 

We all ordered lateral flow tests, the ones that you do at home and get results within half an hour. The tests arrived the next day and Lisa and I were both negative but as the contact tracers contacted Lisa about her isolation period, they suggested she go for a PCR test (the one that gets sent away to the labs). Thankfully that was also negative. 

Lisa has to test again before her isolation period ends so that she is able to return to uni. She also plans to do another lateral flow test beforehand. I also have a few more tests that I will do, just in case. Neither of us have any symptoms so there’s a great chance we don’t have covid but I think at this stage its better to be safer than sorry. I have been keeping in more contact than usual with Lisa in case she needs anything, but her housemate and boyfriend are also there for her as they don’t need to isolate either.

Level 2 Restrictions

Scotland moves to level 2 covid restrictions on Monday 17th May. Every region in Scotland apart from Moray which will remain in level 3 for an extra week. This means that we are now allowed to visit our friends and family indoors and we don’t need to physically distance when indoors. Also, we are allowed to travel anywhere in Britain as the restrictions are eased throughout the UK. I just hope that this is a permanent lifting of restrictions.

This means that I am able to visit my friends in their homes and instead of sitting down a beach in our cars we can sit in our houses with each other. I can’t wait to have a movie night at Lisas or to have Nicola and Paul over at my house for a video game night. I am also trying to arrange some drinks with my sister and one of our friends (my sisters best friend and my ex-work colleague) and one of our other friends. We used to all have a drink together every other month or so and I think I’ve only seen our friend 2 or 3 times throughout lockdown and that is when I have been in the supermarket. 

I also have a feeling that I’m allowed to date again and possibly meet new people. I feel that I’m allowed to make plans for the future again. I just hope that restrictions don’t get tighter again. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle another lockdown. 

Vaccinations at 54.6% (28.8%)

I feel that this final sub heading will is not really required anymore, as I have said previously, but I still feel the need to include it. This is more for my reference when I look back on my diary I want to be able to see where in the pandemic we are as I read my entries. Case rates in Scotland have been on a slight increase this last week although we are easing restrictions. I feel that we are heading towards herd immunity at this stage. I know that throughout the UK there is 998 people in hospital with covid. This is the first time this has happened since the middle of September last year. 

Although I am still extremely anxious of what will happen in the future. This last time year I was sat at home and my dad was in hospital and I felt like I was trapped in a terrible movie. But, as always I am so thankful for being able to write and record these diary entries and I will continue to do so for the rest of the year.

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More Normality

Changes to My Diary

So I have decided to make a few small changes to my diary. Of course my promise to update every Friday still stands. I plan to write my subtitled entires throughout the week, with this paragraph written on Tuesday, as by just writing on a Friday could be a little stressful. As for the 1,000 word target I set, I feel that doesn’t really apply anymore as most of my entries are double that target. I would also rather write far too much than not enough, I will write whenever I feel the need to. 

Keeping in mind the reasons for starting this online blog/diary. Primarily doing this for my mental health as I have done for many years before but also if someone was to read this and potentially help them then that is a bonus. As I’ve said in my first entry this year, I don’t expect fame or riches, but I would like to widen my reader base. This is my story but it is influenced by those around me. 

Also my daily diary page on my website hasn’t been updated for a while. I am still writing it every day! I will try to write a little more about each day and try my best to keep on top of my website. My goal is still to have all of my writing material on my website in same form by the end of this year. Perhaps I will include my daily diary entries in a slightly different format within my blog.

First Time Eating Out 2021

The restaurants have opened their doors for indoor dining and as part of my birthday celebrations I went for a meal with Nicola and Paul. I was really looking forward to it and it did not disappoint. I had a shower, shave, washed my face and then put on my good jeans and my best T-shirt. Nicola and Paul themselves looked like they made an effort also. This was the first time we were allowed to eat out in 2021 after the easing of some restrictions. 

For starters I had chicken fritters which is what I would usually have. For my main it was pasta. Nothing out of the ordinary but just being able to sit inside with my friends felt extraordinary. There was so much ambient noise going on and a little drama in the kitchen as they were rushed off their feet. As by social distancing measures, there were screens between each of the booths although you don’t really notice them. A mask is required in order to walk to and from your table as well. I think everyone has grown accustomed to what is now the ‘new normal’ and it doesn’t really bother me. 

I drove home myself, as we still took our separate cars, I put my music up a little. It was a nice 20 or so minute drive home but I started to get a bit of a headache. It must have been a little overwhelming being in a room with so many people talking and such a busy place. I usually avoid taking paracetamol where possible but I felt I had to take some. I then got into my bedroom and climbed into my bed to close my eyes for a little while. This was just the first time eating out this year, I hope that it will yet again become a regular occurrence for me and my friends. 

The next day, on the Sunday, Nicola messaged me asking if I wanted to go for a chippy and I was more than happy to accept the invite. We also went for ice cream and was so glad to see that the queues aren’t quite as big as we expected and didn’t have to wait so long. Hopefully this signals the return to more normality.

Plans to Eat Out Again

I met up with Rachel throughout the week and we sat down with an awesome view of a Loch and talked a little of our photograph skills. We attempted to capture a few photographs during the ‘Golden Hour’ when the sun is setting and the sky is lit up beautifully but the weather wasn’t all that great. We both see ourselves as pretty amateur photographers with our iPhones but some of the photos we have taken are absolutely spectacular.

We sat here for a few hours after going for a sun bed session. I hope to start going once a week again because I believe it makes my skin look much healthier and I feel better mentally for it, I am aware of the risks. We made plans for eating out in 2 weeks time, finally to go to Nandos together. I’m really excited about just being able to make plans like this freely, something that was so normal to us pre pandemic times and would usually be last minute plans. 

We might even go for a little shopping trip as it has been so long. We talked about going back to Amsterdam at the end of the year and I would love that so much. Obviously that is dependant on the travel restrictions at the time for both Scotland and the Netherlands.

Player 2

I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently, perhaps for a few years and I have mentioned it multiple times in my writing. I really think it’s about time I met someone, started dating, get myself a boyfriend/partner. Now is the perfect time for me to start dating again. I’ve tried many times over the last 4/5 years but I just find it too hard to connect with anyone. I miss being in a relationship so much. I don’t want to be with someone just for the sake of it, I just want to share my life with someone and to take an interest in their interests. Does that make sense?

The little things that I do or change myself and nobody notices or appreciates them. I bought myself a new earring, I have a stretched earlobe, and have worn the same style earring for about 7/8 years (I have about 3 that are the exact same style) and decided I needed a change. It’s not just the earring but all the little changes I make that nobody even notices or appreciates, apart. I understand that I make those changes for myself but just if I had a partner that could say something like, ‘I like the new earring’, would make me feel fantastic. 

It’s not all about aesthetics of course. I would love to watch movies and play video games and perhaps show off the kind of games that I play and hopefully expand my gaming interests of something they like playing. Ideally someone that can play scary games so I can hide behind a cushion. Maybe watch a movie that I wouldn’t even think about watching but I might really enjoy it. My friends are great, but going for adventures with someone special will make those adventures much more memorable. I’d like to stay over at a hotel somewhere far from home and enjoy a new scene and make some happy memories. 

Some of my friends may think I ‘fancy everybody’, but to be honest I find it hard to actually fall for someone. I really liked Ben from work and I honestly thought he felt a little different but I actually think he can’t stand the sight of me. I see him almost every day at work but he barely speaks to me, he might say hi if he is with anyone but makes it impossible to strike up conversation with. I tried to make conversation this week and he basically ran away from me, he just kept walking towards his car and just left, I felt so stupid and very embarrassed. I wrote him a letter last March, along with many other letters, I just wish I was able to give it to him and maybe he would fall in love with me. I still think he is metaphorically the best fish in the little pond. He would make a perfect player 2.

Vaccinations at 52.7% (26.1%)

There has definitely been very little progress of the first doses given in Scotland with just a 1.4% increase. A 3.7% increase of second doses given. More than a quarter of Scotland is fully vaccinated. As I think I’ve said in previous posts, I don’t obsessively read news about COVID every single day like I used to at this time last year. But I still read up the daily updates and I really do feel for some other countries that aren’t doing so well in their vaccinations. There is currently 68 people in hospital with COVID (that number was 67 this time last week) but that number has dipped to 58 twice this week. Unfortunately there has been 2 deaths in Scotland in the last 7 days. 

31.4% of all Scottish adults have been fully vaccinated. 1.26 billion people worldwide have received at least 1 vaccine dose. I think it is important to look for the ‘good news’ during times like these as that is a little harder to find as the media seem to only focus on the worst of the news. 

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Gaming Birthday

Taurus 

I am a Taurus, so I was born between 20th April and 20th May. I have never disclosed in any of my diaries when my birthday is for many reasons. I know this might sound a little pathetic (or weird), but I prefer to spend my birthday alone. Though I do appreciate every single birthday message and card I receive – in fact I take it very personally to those that take the time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. The messages I receive annually grow fewer and fewer each year but that just means I appreciate the messages more. I always get cards from my parents and relatives as well. When I was partnered with Andy, I would receive a happy birthday message on midnight and it made me smile. 

Avoiding disappointment is a priority. If I had a significant other I would probably celebrate a little more on the actual day of my birthday. But I feel that if I put too much effort into plans onto one specific day and things don’t work out the way I had planned, I would be a little upset. I’m not blaming any of my friends as some circumstances are unavoidable! I like to treat the day as a normal day but I somehow mark it in my own way, such as travelling to a wishing well to make a birthday wish. 

Celebrations are still vital for my birthday although I do them a little differently. I like to have miniature events with different friend groups. After all, it is important to mark an occasion I just don’t understand why it has to be on that specific date. Even if I had a partner, I would just expect a nice dinner, movie or an adventure somewhere. 

Last Monday, I went for a birthday walk with Lisa and my other (unnamed) friend. We went somewhere new and I got a few nice photographs of the scenery. The place we went was about 10-15 minute drive away, but I had never even heard of the place. It was a quiet walk next to a little reservoir with plenty of sheep in the fields, it was really nice. 

Tomorrow, on Saturday, I have a table booked at a local restaurant with Nicola and Paul, this will be the first time I’ve eaten out this year as lockdown restrictions have been lifted to allow hospitality to open up. I don’t expect them to pay for my meal, I just want to enjoy their company a little more. I wonder if we could do something exciting after, perhaps a game of crazy golf depending on how we are all feelings.

Callum Ross, the writer and author, will always be 32 years old. At least for the duration of this diary project and story writing on my website as I’m a little unsure of my plans for the future of this diary/website. I see myself a little like a fictional character in some storyline universe I am creating but in fact it is my life. 

Nier Replicant ver.1.22474487139

I haven’t written an entire subtitle about a video game in a while and I feel that I should try and do it a little more in future entries. Last Friday I started playing ‘Nier Replicant ver.1.22474487139…’ on my PS4. I wrote about the tarot card I received with my game. Last night I completed it with all 5 endings after spending around 50 hours on the game. My spare time over this week has been mostly consumed by gaming so I’ve not had as much time to do other things, but I don’t regret that in the slightest. Such an awesome game and it was my first time experiencing it as it was released about 10 years ago originally but they have added extra parts to it and revamped a lot of the battling system etc, it is basically a remake.

I played Nier Automata back in January 2020 and I completed it in a week, too. Nier Automata made such a huge impact on me as I still think about it, even now.  It is an extremely philosophical game that made me question myself and reality quite a lot. I don’t want to write too much about that game or the philosophy it explores but in the very end when I sacrificed my save game to help someone else proceed to their end still lingers in my memory. I find it really hard to explain my thoughts. Although the game destroyed my emotions a little it also gifted me with a brand new perspective of life itself. That is exactly the kind of video games I want more of in the future. 

Looking forward to the future of the Nier series and to also write a little more about the video games I play in my diary. I don’t think I’ll be playing many video games this weekend as Nier Replicant has winded me with exhaustion a little. But I would possibly like to explore philosophical aspects in the future. I guess in a strange way my entire diary from the last decade is a sort of philosophical journey of a sort. 

Mental Health Check II

In an earlier post (13) written on the 26th March I wrote a ‘mental health check’ and I have decided to write a second ‘check’. I reckon I might do one of these every couple of months throughout this diary. Honestly, I’ve had a few ‘low’ days since then and I know that, at least, my last 3 entires have been a lot shorter than I would have liked, but writing has definitely helped me with my mental health as even when I read back to my first entry with my hopes of 2021 and the reasons why I write, seem to give me a little push in the right direction. I know that I have such a long way to go, but I have made some fantastic progress and I know that it will continue. 

Every entry that I have written I have mentioned the vaccinations against covid and that is one of my focuses to get through this. I don’t want to keep repeating myself but lockdown has been extremely difficult on everyone – including myself. I was speaking to a guy at work that I haven’t worked with for a while and I was telling him that I certainly was struggling at this time last year but the progress I have made I would never have believed that I could have come this far. I guess that’s proof that I am able to open up a little about my feelings.

There is definitely something missing in my life and I think that may be someone to share my life with romantically. I don’t think I’m in the right place emotionally for that sort of commitment at the moment but I wouldn’t turn it down. I don’t wish to open myself for someone and have them run away, I need to learn to do something like that gradually, like what happened with Ben. We don’t speak at work at all anymore and I don’t like it. I just wish we could have been friends at least. Of course I still like him but I can’t really speak about that out loud, they are just thoughts in my mind. 

My Office

Okay, so I don’t actually have an office, I still live at home with the parents. But throughout this week I have been thinking of a potential office I could have. As when I write at home I am usually sitting on my bed (as I am now). I feel as if I get a new job that requires me to work from home, I may need to get a better set up. The new iMac opened today for preorders and I would really love to have one, though I can’t afford it. I don’t even have anywhere I could put it as there is no desk in my bedroom. There is a potential space in my house that isn’t used very often and it is mainly for storage. I would like to speak to my parents about maybe converting that into a more workable space, as I feel it would benefit them as well as myself. 

Whenever I need a change of scene I usually go out in my car with my laptop and write, or if the weather is nice enough go out and sit on my laptop. It really is something I enjoy and don’t particular care if I look a little stupid doing that as it’s not very common to see. I think this potential office space would be fantastic and if my job situation changes it may become necessary. When my sister comes to ‘work from home’ at my house, she would sit at the dining room table, like my mum did when she worked from home last year, but I don’t feel I would be able to do that. I guess we’ll see what happens.

I have written 16 stories from ‘Chronicles of Callum’, or at least started 16 stories. I had 9 first drafts complete by the end of last month. As my goal, alongside my diary, was to aim for 100 first drafts complete by the end of the year I feel that my progress is not that bad but could be a lot better. 

Vaccinations at 51.3% (22.4%)

The number of first doses in Scotland has barely risen in the last week but the second doses certainly have. They say that 3 weeks after your second dose you are fully vaccinated. My dad got his second dose last weekend and my mum is getting hers at the end of next week.

As for the 7-day average of cases in Scotland has dropped from 227 a day last Friday to 171 today, that is some good progress, but I’m not entirely sure what that means in terms of the easing of lockdown anymore. Today there was 67 people in hospital with covid and that was over 2,000 at the end of January. Next week when I write, the vaccinations will be higher and there will hopefully be a lot less people in hospital. I will write again next week.

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April 2021

Daily Diary – April 2021

My daily diary where I will write a few sentences about each day. By doing this I hope to discover and appreciate the finer moments in my life and perhaps recall the journey of this year when I reach the end.

From the people I meet, the video games I play or the time I go to bed, good days and bad days, I will continue to write.

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ONE

Spent the day working on a job application. Wrote about 1,600 words for the application. Lisa helped me to go through it.

TWO

Applied for some upcoming jobs within my company today. Got home from work around 3pm. Sister and nephew visited. Met a friend in the evening that I haven’t seen in around 7 years.

Published ‘Spring Time’ on blog.

THREE

Quite a quiet boring day so didn’t do much. Met Lisa around 5pm for a little over an hour. Got myself a takeaway and chilled with some anime, watching ‘fairy tail’. 

FOUR

Feeling a little down today. Again, didn’t do much. Got a little restless so went for a solo-drive to sit at a local park in the evening at 7pm. Met Rachel near her house just before 9pm. Got home and played FF14 with Mike for a few hours.

FIVE

Not a very productive day at work. Went for a short drive afterwards. Sister and nephew visited. Met Lisa for an hour. Dani messaged at 10pm to say she was in town, sat for an hour or so. Unable to sleep at night.

SIX

Finished work at 2pm and met up with a friend for an hour that I haven’t seen since November 2019. Accidentally slept for 3 hours after tea but played FF14 with Mike for a few hours. 

SEVEN

Headaches at work. Was meant to go to crazy golf with Rachel but we decided on a short walk instead. Headache worsened at night so lay in dark bedroom unable to sleep.

EIGHT

Very short day at work finishing before lunch! Spent the afternoon chilling and then went to the park around 7pm to get out the house. Went to the supermarket afterwards to get frozen food and energy drinks. Early night and asleep by 11pm

NINE

Met up with Lisa in the afternoon as had the day off work. Started playing ‘Control’ on PS4 as my dad recommended it to me. Spent my spare time writing some chronicles. 

Published ‘Not Much‘ on blog. 

TEN

Visited vape store using click and collect service. Met up with Dani for a catch up. Accidentally napped for a few hours. Spent my night playing PS4!

ELEVEN

Woke up at 4pm (oops!) then played PS4 for a few hours. Met a friend just before 9pm for a walk. Sat and chatted and got home at almost 1am.

TWELVE

Not required at work today so spent the day playing video games!

THIRTEEN

Small task to do at work but finished for 1pm. Announced that travel restrictions will be lifted on Friday. Played PS4 at night.

FOURTEEN

Very long day at work and got home just after 4pm, 2 and a half hours of driving. Sister and nephew came to visit during the day. Fell asleep before 10pm was very tired.

FIFTEEN

Finishing up tasks at work from the previous day. Lisa and I washed our cars. Played FF14 with Mike in the evening for a few hours.

SIXTEEN

Had to be at work for 9am today. Got myself finished for 1pm. Got home for a nap and then traveled to my happy place, 45 minute drive away.

Published ‘Almost Forgot’ on blog.

SEVENTEEN

Met up with Nicola, Paul and 2 of their friends for a full day of adventure. Crazy golf was too busy so drove to get fish and chips and then drove somewhere else to get ice cream.

EIGHTEEN

Had a ‘low mood’ day, got out of bed at 3pm, didn’t do very much. Went to my favourite supermarket 25 minutes away and to enjoy the drive. Showered and chilled evening.

NINETEEN

Nice day at work with decent weather. Met up with Lisa for a few hours for a catch up. Got takeaway food with parents at night and was asleep by midnight. 

TWENTY

Working with my boss today. Was nice to be passenger in work vehicle! Sister visited (parents were babysitting for my nephew as she worked). Watched anime at night (fairy tail). 

TWENTY-ONE

Another day at work, got finished around 1ish. Cousin visited from west coast to pick something up and she chatted for around 15-20 minutes. Met up with Lisa again in the afternoon. 

TWENTY-TWO

Morning off work for a meeting but busy afternoon at work. Stopped off for a cheese and ham toast with my colleague. Met up with Rachel at the local park in the evening for a good catch up. Got myself a McDonalds and went to bed exhausted before midnight.

TWENTY-THREE

Early finish at work and had to nap as was a little run down. Started playing a new PS4 game, Nier: Replicant, stayed up late to write my diary and catch up on the weeks Coronation Street.

Published ‘A Busy Yet Positive Week’ on blog.

TWENTY-FOUR

Last minute plans with Nicola and Paul for a wee walk and then went for ice cream. Spent the rest of the evening playing PS4. 

TWENTY-FIVE

Spent entire day playing PS4. Dad received his second dose of vaccine. Early night. 

TWENTY-SIX

Walk and Adventure with Lisa and her friend, we went somewhere new and got some nice photos. Wasn’t feeling too great in the evening so went for a drive by myself. Couldn’t sleep. 

TWENTY-SEVEN

A few hours at work in the morning and away by 11am. First haircut of the year! Also trip up town to bank and Greggs. Accidentally fell asleep for a few hours and played more PS4. 

TWENTY-EIGHT

Work today and played PS4 in the evening. Sister and Nephew came for a visit. Had to go to supermarket to get food and drink for the rest of the week. 

TWENTY-NINE

Finished work at 3pm. Feeling a little rough, hay fever has been horrendous. Spent my entire evening playing ‘Nier Replicant’ and finally completed all endings.

THIRTY

Finished work at 2pm today. Spent my afternoon working on my writing. Visited Steven at the evening. Got home around 10pm and had an early night.

Published ‘Gaming Birthday’ on blog,

I have written 16 first drafts of ‘Chronicles of Callum’ out of 50.

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A Busy Yet Positive Week

Late Weekly Update 

Unfortunately I have missed my weekly update target for the week. This entry is written on Saturday a little after 2am, just a few hours late. Currently sat watching Coronation Street waiting for my pizza in the oven as I haven’t eaten very much all day. I would say I’ve had a pretty decent week as I’ve been quite busy with work and my I’ve had more sensible bed times (apart from tonight but it is the weekend). 

Hay Fever 

I never suffered from hay fever when I was growing up but over the last few years it’s developed. This week it has been the worst it has ever been. I wasn’t even prepared with antihistamines. I rarely take over the counter drugs, them included! My hay fever only seems to affect me in the morning, driving to work with red puffy eyes and the inability to breathe properly – also a slight morning cough which is not very good during the covid crisis. I hope that 

Tarot Cards

Today I bought a new PS4 game, Nier: Replicant and it came with a tarot card, I’m a little unsure why and it was unexpected. I don’t know very much about tarot cards but I decided to do a little bit of research on it. The card I received was ‘The Fool’, representing new beginnings, having faith in the future, being inexperienced, not knowing what to expect, having beginner’s luck, improvisation and believing in the universe. The card was in the upright position as well, as apparently there is a different meaning if it is reversed. 

I don’t know if everybody received the same card with their copy of the game and if even just 1 card can give any sort of accurate reading, but I took it as a positive sign. As I do feel there is a new beginning coming and I’m really looking forward to what will happen in the near future although it still terrifies me. 

Vaccinations at 50.5% (17.4%)

Things are going so well with the vaccination progress. The second doses have really ramped up this week and next Monday we enter the next phase of easing lockdown restrictions. The restaurants will be opening up for sitting in meals and I cannot wait for that. 

To be honest I really don’t feel the need to write as much as I once did. But I still want to keep to my promise to write once a week (although this entry was a few hours late), as the last few entires have only been half of my target, I feel as I’m overdue a long update possibly in the coming weeks.

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Almost Forgot

Drive

It’s almost 9pm and I had almost forgotten it was Friday. I have had such a busy week and time has flown by so quickly! I honestly don’t feel the need to write as much as I once did, my mental state is easing back to more manageable feelings. I decided to go for a little drive as the travel restrictions have been lifted and now we are able to travel anywhere in Scotland as long as it is jot overnight.

This change was suppose to come into effect on the 26th April along with the restaurants opening up but there was an unexpected announcement on Tuesday by the first minister to say it had been brought forward to today. It feels so good to be able to leave my local authority for leisure purposes, it doesn’t need to be essential. Such as what I’m doing now sitting in my car enjoying the nice view.

Like last week, I don’t feel that I have very much to write about this week. I know if I sat down and tried to think I could probably produce something, but it would probably be meaningless. Some previous weeks I have written little notes on my phone of things to write about but I just haven’t found the time to do so.

Car Wash

As I try to wash my car at least once a fortnight to keep it looking decent, well not the same could be said for the interior. Lisa came with me and we washed my car first and then drove to hers to take her car to wash next. It’s because a social aspect. There was an older man washing his car (there is 3 do it yourself wash stations) and he complimented my car. I’ve never had a compliment on my car before and I was thinking he was just trying to strike up a conversation. He thought Lisa was my girlfriend but we didn’t correct him. He told us he was 62 years old and would never have thought that he would see a global pandemic happen in his lifetime. We stood and chatted for a while and he told us about his daughter and her first car. It was quite a meaningless banter filled conversation that probably made his day! I don’t want to make any big assumptions but we kind of guessed that he lived alone and doesn’t get very much human interaction. A part of me can’t wait to get into a pub just to listen to strangers stories of their lockdown experience. Not all the stories will be great but I am more than happy to offer an ear for listening.

Vaccinations at 49.8% (12.6%)

Almost half of the entire Scottish population has had their first vaccination as we are slowly opening back up. As we are now allowed to travel anywhere in Scotland and meet in a group of up to 6 people from 6 different households, I can definitely see a more positive future. 876 million people have been vaccinated worldwide!

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Not Much

Simply Existing

This week I don’t have very much to say and if it wasn’t for the promise I made to write every Friday I probably wouldn’t be writing. Although this week I have probably been more social than I have been for over 12 months, I feel that nothing is really changing. There’s a lot happening with the easing of lockdown restrictions, my job applications and even writing some stories, but I feel that nothing is really changing when I feel as if it should be. I want things in my personal life to just improve and possibly meet someone that I can start dating. I know the saying goes something like ‘if you want tomorrow to be better you have to make those changes today’ but I’m not really seeing any progress and it’s a little frustrating. I feel that it might be time to start taking dating a little more seriously and make some effort.

I need to remember that I had issues just before lockdown hit and I feel like I may be able to start working on those issues. I don’t even know what they are as I didn’t really have time to process anything the few days/weeks before the 23rd March 2020. I sincerely hope that in the next few weeks I will be able to see the benefits of positive thinking, hard as it may be, and perhaps see things a little more clearly. My thoughts on ‘the meaning of life’ from last March prevail.

Headaches

This is probably not a very big deal, it might be nothing. But I like to write in my diary when I start to experience abnormal pain. Wednesday at work (7th) I started experiencing a headache and I took some paracetamol even though I try to avoid painkillers where possible. They worsened throughout the day and became unbearable at night. I took some more paracetamol and it calmed down a bit. This is just a short paragraph in case anything happens in the near future. The headaches subsided Thursday night but it is still there. 

Vaccinations at 48.1% (9.6%)

Scotland continues to make progress in the vaccinations against coronavirus. The introduction of the Moderna vaccine, the 3rd vaccine approved for use within the UK, will hopefully aid with this quest. We continue to make fantastic progress in the suppression of the virus and we are on track for the unlocking of the restrictions. As with the percentages above, the 7-day average of cases within Scotland is at 312, down from 443 the previous Friday. 

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Spring Time

Stay Local

As from today, 2nd April, the ‘stay home’ rule has changed to ‘stay local’. That means that I’m allowed to go anywhere within my local authority area and I don’t need an essential reason to go out. That means if I wanted to get out the house to clear my head, to get fresh air or just generally go for an adventure to the beach at stupid times, I am allowed to. 

As of writing this entry I am sitting in my car down one of the parks where I wrote many of my lockdown entries. I don’t have that feeling of ‘I need to escape’ these days, but this has been one of my stress and anxiety reliefs for many years. One of my coping mechanisms that I am able to reclaim. Sitting somewhere alone in my car with a nice view is such a nice feeling, I feel freedom and gives me time to reflect on much that has happened. 

When Andy and I originally broke up I started driving going for short (and sometimes not so short) drives on my own with my music on full blast. That gave me a chance to just forget about how serious life can be for a few moments and to reflect on things that had happened. 

By sitting here in this carpark at around 8pm as the sun hasn’t even set yet. I’m just thinking about how great this summer will be, or so I hope. To be able to go out at this time when it’s still daylight and the weather is a little warmer just fills me with so much joy. The chance to explore a new place and take some nice photographs and to take a stroll through some wooded area to find a nice place to sit is my actual dream adventure. I might even write about some of the places I go in future entries although I prefer not to say actual place names. 

My Diary Video

I always wanted to create a vlog, to actually record myself talking about my day and talk about fun and random things. I never had the confidence to do that and whenever I did manage to record myself I would just delete it afterwards because I didn’t like the way I looked, or sounded, and I felt a little awkward. Sometimes when I hit the record button I would just stare into the camera like a deer in headlights, I’ve tried scripted and unscripted, but the result was always the same. Even now, I don’t think I’d ever be able to do that. 

Instead I have converted my 2021 diary into a video format. I made some very basic music on GarageBand and have the words in my diary scroll on the screen as if they were credits at the end of a movie. I’m a little unsure if they will get any views but I wanted to utilise my YouTube account as I had deleted all my previous videos from years ago. So, I hope by the end of this year I will have at least 53 videos of my 2021 diary.

I also have hopes to attempt the project I started a few years ago as well. “The Writings of The Moon”, which I put a lot of time and effort into. I hope that I can upload them at some point this month. That project was taking some of my favourite pieces of poetry that I had written and presented in a video format with music I had made from GarageBand, a little like what my diary video is but the music was a little more experimental. There are 15 videos that I have that I will upload and hopefully they are liked. I will write more on that at a later date.

Insomnia

I read online the other day that the reason some people stay up so late at night even though they’re tired is because they want to regain control of their life. Many nights I will force myself to stay awake until 3 or 4 in the morning even though I get really tired around 11pm. I feel like my day is a little longer that way. 

Sometimes when I play video games in the afternoon I feel a lot happier. As playing during the little hours is sometimes more draining. I feel more productive when everyone else is asleep, but perhaps that is only an illusion that I’ve let myself believe. 

I bought myself some pyjamas. I haven’t worn pyjamas since I was 12 or 13! I have this theory that if I can get myself in the bath one night (I’m a shower kind of person usually) and get my pyjamas on, I could try and program my sleep schedule to be more suitable. Ideally I would like to be asleep before midnight and awake for around 8am but I doubt that’s ever going to happen. Though, thinking back to January/February of 2020 I was getting myself into that sort of routine.

Vaccinations at 46% (7.6%)

A small 3.5% increase in first doses of the vaccinations and over a 2% increase in second doses within Scotland. Vaccinations are already having an effect on the number of cases amongst the older and more vulnerable are dropping. 215 people are in hospital overall in Scotland and 21 in ICU: this figure won’t be updated until Tuesday as it is Easter weekend. Also, the next easing of restrictions should happen in 3 weeks so I’m looking forward to that as well if it all goes to plan.