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Alive

Feeling Alive

Over the last week I have felt more alive that I have since I can’t even remember. Currently working very hard at work as we have a deadline to meet. The job involves a lot of heavy lifting and running up and down stairs and the weather is also far too hot. Even when I’m not doing any work, on a break or the drive to/from work, the sweat is still dripping off my face! The slight pain in my legs is a reminder that I am in fact still alive.

Not only that, I have been working quite closely with Ben this last week. We can both drive but somehow I’m the one driving him to and from the site, around 40 minutes from base, and I’m not complaining. I really enjoy driving him around, it kind of sets me up to have a good day even when it’s quite a busy day. I asked him to bring in some CDs and I’ve enjoyed everything he has played. 

Although when I get home from work some days I feel a little dead. It’s probably part exhaustion but I think there’s something else in there as well. I feel there is a lack of satisfaction and though I do my best to fill my evenings with meet ups with friends or perhaps just a drive somewhere to clear my mind. Some nights I don’t feel like doing anything but lay in my quiet bedroom hiding away from the world. I can’t even get the energy to play my PS5 although I do sometimes even if it’s for an hour. Every day at work with Ben, the thought kind of crosses my mind, that we could maybe do something after work. Eat out, play video games, go for a walk or drive, just whatever.

This guy genuinely makes me feel alive. He gives me some sort of excitement to get myself up in the morning, to make an effort, put on my best t-shirt, shower and wash my face. I just want to try and be the best version of myself as possible for him. It’s not that I wish he was my boyfriend (although that would be nice), I just want to be friends. Play some video games, drink together and maybe eat out once in a while.

I really didn’t want to fill this diary with my latest crush (which has been a crush for about 18 months). Of course I’ve attempted to date in that time but I haven’t met someone that makes me feel the way he does. I know that I need to do something about this soon before it destroys me. I don’t think things are going to work out in my favour but for now it’s the only reality I feel any sort of contentment in.

A Flying Swan

Wednesday at work Ben and I were walking back to the car to get lunch when we seen a rather large bird in the sky. At first we thought it was a goose but it was a lot bigger and making a sound that I had never heard before. I can’t even describe it. It was a flying swan. This might sound a little stupid but I never even knew they could fly. I knew they can fly at low altitudes over a pond, but this was actually in the sky flying over trees.

It was a little surreal. I felt like Ash Ketchum in the first episode of Pokemon when he sees Ho-oh fly over the rainbow. I believe it to symbolise good luck and perhaps the sign of something good to come. I’m so happy I was able to witness that with someone. I want to experience more little things like this. But the fact it was unexpected made it so much more awesome.

Importance

I just want to be important. Like, I know how important I am and the value of my life. But I want to be important to someone else, a number 1, someone’s priority. I can’t deny that I do have awesome friends, but that will never compare to having a life partner. I get a little jealous of seeing couples together on social media or even in public. I want that. Even all the ‘bad’ stuff that comes with it such as paying bills and mortgages. 

I don’t have very much to look forward to at the moment. My main focus was getting through the lockdown period. I don’t even look forward to coming into work anymore as I have lost all motivation of any sort of progression and advancement. I feel as if everything has stopped and I’m still in the exact same place, thought that is not true I have certainly come a long way since this time last year. I think it is important to have something to look forward to. I have lost all interest in my hobbies. I’ve only played on my PS5 once for a few hours. 

You know that feeling of dread when you go to sleep at night. It’s been a bad day and you’re a little bit depressed. I’ve had that for a few days now. The only thing is each day it seems to get worse. One day I might wake up and magically be happy but somehow I doubt that. I know that they say you need to make changes today in order to make those changes for tomorrow, but it’s too hard. All I have right now is my diary to write in. 

(This was from a note found in my Notes app. I wrote it a few weeks ago I think but felt that now would be a good time as any to post it. I will probably post more in future diary entries.)

My Anxiety: Earliest Memory

My earliest memory of having anxiety was in my early teens. My curtains remained closed at all times as I was afraid of anyone seeing inside my room. I know that I wasn’t on the ground floor so it was pretty impossible but I had all those weird feelings that if my curtains were open somebody could see me. I feel that sometimes people may be watching and and judging me. If a friend came to visit and opened my blinds I would hide. Thinking back it sounds extremely pathetic but I was scared to be in public. 

Walking home from school I used to have to hide from the school buses driving past. I was usually half way home by the time they passed and I would feel that everybody on the busses would see me and I got nervous. I do understand that I’m not that important for everyone to look out for me, but I didn’t want to be laughed at. I just wanted to blend into the background at school but that was impossible because everybody knew I was gay since I was about 12/13 years old.  

I have so many memories of times that I would like to write about. It seems too difficult to speak about them now as they seem so insignificant but all that has had some sort of affect on me now. I genuinely believe that by writing about all this will help me. If the last 18 months have taught me anything about truly confiding in myself then what do I have to lose.

My Anxiety: Eating

I’m an extremely anxious eater. I have some memories of being at school and eating by myself. Not that I had no friends but I would choose to hide myself in the corner and then try and socialise when I was finished. I would never eat very much when I went out with the family for dinner. 

Some times when I got bullied at school I just wouldn’t eat. I would walk around the inside of the school building to avoid the cafeteria and just skip lunch altogether. In a sense that gave me some kind of control back into my life. Although I didn’t really understand much about it then. I was extremely underweight throughout high school and my parents were a little worried. I never spoke to anyone about it as I would just sat I was fine. Some days, back then, all I would eat would be 2 or 3 large bars of chocolate whilst watching Home and Away in my bedroom. I would consume all that within just 30 minutes. I was starved but was unable to eat more sensibly. I didn’t want anyone to see me eat. I didn’t want anyone to know that I had just eaten. That might sound a little crazy but I felt a little disgusted just by putting food in my mouth.

Now, my addiction to energy drinks has replaced my bad eating habits. Although my eating habits have improved a little, I would say they are still quite bad. For example, there was a few days this week where I only ate lunch at work. I wouldn’t eat anything when I got home and instead I slept. I genuinely don’t feel hungry most of the time. When I do I try to ignore it as I feel that I don’t need to use any of that energy because I’m not really doing much with myself.

In my previous relationship a few years ago, we ate our regularly, I was at my heaviest. My weight has never bothered me as I told myself I was fat and happy. I would rather be fat and happy, than skinny and miserable. Although I’ve never been ‘fat’, but I do look a bit pregnant at times. Eating out is one of my favourite things to do and I can never say no. There was one week in the past I’m sure I ate out 6 or 7 times in the space of a week. Now it is maybe just once a week. Not that it means anything. I wish I could eat a little healthier.

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Feeling Low

My Feelings

It has just turned midnight on Friday 16th June and I’m laying on my bed with a face mask on. It’s one of those sheet hydrating masks that I’ve used a few times before as I feel that I had to pamper myself a little. I just came out the shower and had a hair mask repair cream in as well, not sure if my hair really needs it but I wanted to try it. I’ve been feeling very low lately. 

I’ve decided to not include anything in this entry about my anxiety as I had written some stuff but it has been so mentally draining that I feel now would not be a good time, I will post more next Friday. Although I am feeling so low I am trying my best to stay more positive it has become extremely difficult. 

I got to work with Ben today (well, yesterday, sort of) and that made me so happy. It was a very busy day but I got to drive him a lot. I got a little upset last week when plans changed at work and I wasn’t working with him. He really does make my job so much more enjoyable. I wish I could work every day with him! I really hope I get to drive him again today (Friday) as I’ve asked him to make a CD for the work vehicle as there’s no Bluetooth and we both hate the radio. I just wish I could tell him exactly how I feel. There was something about him today that just made my heart melt a little bit – or it was probably the weather. 

Also I would like to add that my appetite hasn’t been all that great lately. When I’m feeling low I avoid food. I haven’t been eating properly lately and usually skip lunch when I’m at work. An older man on my team offered me a sandwich that he brought in, I know he didn’t bring it in specifically for me but I was so happy that he offered it to me. I used to be the person that brought extra lunch in with me just in case. I’m very thankful for that and it was certainly appreciated.  

Hello New Me

I’ve decided I want to change my image a little bit. I bought myself some hair dye and Lisa is going to help me dye my hair. It’s a ‘steel’ colour, which is kind of blueish grey and I’m a little unsure if it’ll work on my dark hair. I couldn’t find the hair dye I wanted that is a black that looks blue under certain lights, if the steel doesn’t work out I will need to find the blue. I haven’t dyed my hair in such a long time and I think I’m a little too old to have crazy colours such as bright blue, pink or purple! I want to look good and not like a rebellious teen. I really hope it looks good on me whatever happens. 

I would also like to get myself some new clothes and some nice new trainers. I only have one pair of trainers and one pair of work shoes. I may try and head out shopping this weekend or just get some stuff online. I usually wear quite plain clothes but I would like something with maybe a few colours in it. A nice fitted hoodie as well as I want someone to want to wear it, like when I meet a guy boy that wants to wear my hoodie because it smells like me. Maybe I could steal Ben’s hoodie!

Not only do I want to make physical changes, I would like to become someone that I want to hang out with. I feel that I need to change myself a little to find myself a partner. I get that they say you shouldn’t change yourself for anyone, but that hasn’t helped me so far. I wish I could be the nice approachable guy that I used to be. But just small steps to begin. 

Cinema

I’m going to the cinema Friday night with Nicola and Paul. The movie we are going to see, escape room, isn’t really the sort of thing I would go to the cinema for but I might like it. I love going to the cinema so much especially at night time. I don’t really enjoy watching movies myself but Andy and I watched a lot of movies together and were at the cinema multiple times a month. 

My First Boyfriend

Earlier in the week I met up with my first ever boyfriend. I guess we have always been friends but we have been saying for years that we would need to hang and catch up. He was my first boyfriend and I was only 16. He was my second kiss. We didn’t have anything in common and we were only together for about 3 weeks. I think I told him I loved him over the phone and he told me he had to go and then we broke up the next day. Looking back we were just kids and I was never truly mad at him for it. 

He’s been married for a while and they have recently moved into a new built house with a mortgage. I’m a little envious but I am so happy for him. I visited his house in the evening for a few hours we didn’t have anything planned but we were both a little bored and it just sort of happened. I really do enjoy last minute plans. I’m not really sure if we’ll meet again anytime soon as we don’t have very much in common but we just spoke about ‘the old times’ and the people we used to know. 

The Week Ahead

So it’s 00:35 and I should probably try and get some sleep. I’ve really enjoyed writing this diary entry as sometimes I forget and do it last minute on a Friday. I feel more organised and more positive. I think this weekend I will go somewhere nice by myself if I don’t make plans with anyone. It’s also a bank holiday on Monday so I get the day off work. I’ve also been playing my PS5 a little although I don’t have any PS5 games yet. I don’t want to make my expectations too high as that will just lead to disappointment but I want to be satisfied. I better get this face mask off as it’s only supposed to be on for 10-15 minutes. Until next Friday when I will write again. 

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A New Chapter

Another Introduction

I wanted to write another introduction to say a little bit about myself and what I am doing. My name is Callum from Scotland, I live about 5 minutes away from Edinburgh, and I have written diaries for a long time. I wrote my first ever diary entry in 2011 but it wasn’t until later in 2017 when I started writing more regularly. Before this year I had written almost 130,000 words and this year so far I have written nearly 40,000. 

Writing has become my main method to express myself and to get all my feelings out. I find it extremely difficult to open up and talk and when I keep things bottled inside it causes me too much stress and anxiety then I completely shut down. I really enjoy reading back my previous entries, sometimes a few weeks ago or a few years ago. I have a motto: ‘if you can’t truly confide in yourself, who can you confide in?’ I think I am quite lucky to be able to enjoy writing so much in depth of my feelings and emotions, because I have had so many struggles in the past. Even now, my struggles are very real.

A lot happened in 2017. Things that changed me completely as my entire outlook of life had become completely warped. Everything I thought I knew about myself just wasn’t true. I had no friends and was going through an awful breakup that nearly killed me. To be honest, I am still recovering from the events of that year. Most of that stuff I don’t think I could ever write about no matter how hard I tried to but one day I hope I can get the courage inside me to write about it. 

I started a blog in 2017 where I would post all my diary entries and I was overwhelmed with some of the feedback I got, so many nice comments and just one really nasty comment the entire time my blog was live. I decided to take everything offline during 2020 in the initial periods of lockdown as I started getting all these negative emotions and I couldn’t even confide in myself anymore. I made a ‘New Years Resolution’ to start another online diary and eventually incorporate all my hobbies onto my website. Writing in my diary and also some non-fiction and poetry to attempting to showcase my photography skills a little bit. I also want to write about my general day-to-day life with a focus on my mental health. I want someone to stumble upon my website and perhaps it could help them, show them that they are not alone, that things do get better.

I may repeat myself at times but I have created this online Journal in order to help myself and others. The last entry will be on the 31st December 2021 and I will hopefully find another New Years Resolution to begin with whatever that may be. I may also incorporate my other interests in this Journal such as the video games I play, the anime I watch and perhaps some other hobbies.

My Journal Layout

Friday evening is when I spend a few hours writing and updating my website. Throughout the week I may take notes on my phone about things I want to write about and I separate each weekly journal entry with it’s own subheading. This sentence was written on Monday, but won’t be published on my blog until Friday. That way I am able to slightly edit grammar add a few words here and there, although my diary is full of spelling and grammar errors like most diaries should be.

Throughout 2021 there are 53 Fridays as it happens the year began on a Friday and ends on a Friday. I had planned to write at least 1,000 words a week and when I started I wasn’t really sure what direction this would take but for the moment I am relatively satisfied with the way things are in terms of my diary content. I will also upload my ‘daily diary’ at the end of each month. I think the planned layout of this journal is important in order to organise my own thoughts inside my head.

A Need to Escape

Sometimes I have a strong urge that takes over me with the need to escape. I’m not quite sure what it is I’m escaping from but I could be just chilling in my bedroom and I just need to get out. I don’t really care as long as I get out. So, I’ll jump in my car and drive off somewhere. Sometimes I just drive to a park 5 minutes away and sit in my car and chill out with a cigarette or two, other times I drive a little further. I travel so far but not really wanting to go anywhere, I’m sure there’s a metaphor in there. 

I don’t just get those feelings when I’m in my bedroom but sometimes when I finish work too. I don’t want to go straight home. I might see if there’s anyone around for a chat or I stand in the smoking shelter pretending to play with my phone. I know this sounds quite sad but, sometimes when I finish work and I’ve driven all day, I should go home to rest, but instead I go drive somewhere because I don’t feel ready to go home. 

During the early stages of lockdown when I was unable to take my car anywhere so couldn’t go for short or long drives. I would walk somewhere and sit on the grass somewhere or find a bench. Sometimes I would walk far away and other times I would just walk somewhere in my street. I just have a need to escape reality even if its just for a few hours. Whenever I get home it just feels like I step back into a boring reality. I feel as if my situation is improving but I definitely have a long way to go. As long as I keep writing about how I feel I know that I can get through this.

I started feeling this need to escape after Andy and I broke up. Though some weeks are better weeks, I need to get to the bottom of this as I just wish I could find a happy place in life. Hopefully I find some sort of contentment soon.

My Anxiety: Introduction

This is a post that I’ve written a few times but deleted it because it became a bit too much. Therefore I have decided to take one small step at a time and write this in parts. I’ve suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember and it’s something that I’ve never been able to speak out loud about. To be honest, I’m not really sure where to start writing about this but it’s something I need to do for myself. I’ve suffered from anxiety episodes throughout my life and I want to write about the times I’ve felt that way. 

Copy and paste from Mind.org.uk, a website I use regularly. Anxiety is what we feel when we are worried, tense or afraid – particularly about things that are about to happen, or which we think could happen in the future. Anxiety is a natural human response when we feel that we are under threat. It can be experienced through our thoughts, feelings and physical sensations. Most people feel anxious at times. It’s particularly common to experience some anxiety while coping with stressful events or changes, especially if they could have a big impact on your life.

I am not trying to commercialise my anxiety issues in any way although I think I will try to organise my diary a little ahead of time. What I think I will do for the remainder of my ‘2021 Diary Project’ is to label the headings ‘My Anxiety: Title’. I feel this will help me a lot to open up and to not feel pressured into saying too much at once. I don’t want to overwhelm myself and avoid making so many numbered titles such as ‘My Anxiety 28’ like my ‘mental health check’ posts. This will remain my ultimate safe space for anything I want to write about.

My Anxiety: 2020

Last year my anxiety levels were at all time high. I would drive to the supermarket and sit in the car park for a few minutes before I plucked up the courage to get in for what I need. Walking towards the front door my heart stands pounding and my breathing intensives. Sometimes I need to make a list of things I need otherwise I get upset that I forgot something. I usually go in the last hour before it closes so there’s not very many people around as I hate walking past people with trollies and large crowds. It really does take a lot of energy to go somewhere like that although most of the times after I walk through the front doors I seem to be okay, that is the hardest part for me. 

Before the pandemic hit I felt as if my life was making magnificent improvements. Also reading the daily statistics the effects of the pandemic was mentally draining. I would spent most of my days in bed during the initial stages of lockdown and my mind went to many places no mind should ever wander to. I spent many hours every single day looking at the statistics and watching the news from around the world and there was nothing good in sight. 

Mental Health Check III

My last ‘mental health check’ was at the end of April and this is my third ‘check’. I thought I was doing so well at the start of the week but by the time Wednesday came I just lost all my momentum. Perhaps I tried to be too positive for too long and maybe smaller steps are needed. There has been so much to happen this week and yet not very much has happened. 

I know that I have friends, that’s not the issue. But I feel extremely lonely and I know exactly what direction I want my life to take and yet it feels like I’m asking for the impossible. My appetite has completely vanished and I only ate 1 small meal on Wednesday and on Thursday. Maybe this diary entry talking about my anxiety has drained me mentally but even physically I am in pain. My legs hurt and my neck feels stiff, I feel really ill and yet I feel as if nothing is wrong. It’s so confusing. I don’t have the energy to play video games or to watch a new anime series. I would rather just lay in a darkened room and wait for time to pass.

I can’t blame the pandemic for the way I am feeling as I have lost all hope for what is to come after. I find it hard enough to talk about my problems but eventually they become too difficult to hide. Maybe in the next week or so I can write a mental health check that is a little more positive.

I’m finding it really hard to write what I want to say. I think this has been my darkest diary entry this year. I feel it is important to post although I am so tempted to just delete everything I have written this week. I’m past the half-way mark of this project and at this very moment, this is all I have. So I will continue to write.

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Half Time

PlayStation 5

This post isn’t specifically about the PlayStation 5 although I did manage to get my hands on one. I was extremely lucky as they seem to be selling out so fast as they came out in November last year. Now it is all set up and looks so nice under my 4K television that I specifically bought at the start in January 2020 to prepare myself for 4K gaming. 

As with any new piece of technology I receive I wanted to show it off to my dad. I downloaded Final Fantasy VII remake as the DLC is only playable on the new console. It had taken a little while to download so I decided to go for a cigarette and I asked my dad if he wanted to see my console set up. He came upstairs and sat down next to my bed to watch the opening cutscene. 

My dad played Final Fantasy VII back when he received the original PlayStation console for Christmas 1997 and this was one of the first games he played. Although the console was his, my sister and I were able to play on it as much as we wanted. He stopped playing at the end of disk 1 – if you’ve played the game you might understand why. But for the first of many hours my sister and I would sit around and watch him play until I became better at playing than him and helped him kill many bosses! 

When Final Fantasy VII remake first came out last year on Friday 10th April, I originally expected lockdown to be lifted on the Monday afterwards. I feel a little stupid thinking it would only last 3 short weeks, although even that felt like a lifetime last year. When I started playing the remake last year unfortunately my dad wasn’t here as he was in hospital. So I never got a chance to show him as with every Final Fantasy game I’ve played I always ask him if he wants to watch the opening cutscene with me. So, I played the opening cutscene for him and we watched together in fantastic 4K quality. 

I am so lucky. Not just that I managed to buy myself a PS5 but that I got to experience watching the cutscene with him. He watched a little bit of gameplay and it seems to be a game he would want to play, as he isn’t really into the old style anymore with random encounters, he prefers more action adventure RPG games. I hope the game comes to PC in the near future. 

I haven’t played very much of my PS5 console since I got it earlier in the week. I just have low motivation to play anything. I don’t really know what I have to motivation for, doesn’t seem like very much. Hopefully I play something over the weekend. At least I am prepared for next generation gaming and hopefully over the next few months I can buy myself some new games.

First of July

The first day of July has always been a very special day for me. I’m not entirely sure why but I have always personally celebrated the date. I always try to be in the best mood possible and do something to mark the occasion. The first 6 months of the year are over and usually if my new years resolutions have failed I attempt to make some new ones although the 2021 resolutions are still going strong. 

Last year I visited a special place. It was also day 100 of lockdown. This year hasn’t been as special and I feel extremely stupid. Work was awful after I set an unachievable goal of determining to have a good day. I didn’t get my lunch at work and my mood turned completely sour. I had booked 2 tickets to the cinema to see a movie that I had wanted to see for a while and the cinema was limited to just 1 day viewing. I had booked the tickets thinking I could find someone to come with me but I failed. Instead of going to the cinema I spent my evening in my bed feeling sorry for myself. A part of me wishes that I never booked the tickets as I wasted my money but I also made no effort to give my tickets away to someone else that may have wanted to see the movie. I miss going to the cinema so much and I was really looking forward to going, I even considered going by myself. But a part of me felt that may be a little sad. Although it’s probably just as sad not going and I probably could have tried harder to get someone to come with me. 

Is it so wrong to thinking so positive? All I want is a string a good mood days where I’m happy and stable. Perhaps I should genuinely lower my expectations a little. 

My Last Therapy

I started therapy last year, around May time, as I was feeling as if my mental health was getting on top of me a little bit. This week I had my last therapy session. I’m not going to lie, I feel a little scared that I don’t have that anymore but feel that it is the right time. I wanted to write a little bit about how it all started. 

A friend, not wanting to mention any names, told me that I should get therapy and that I shouldn’t be ashamed. My mood was at one of the lowest points it had ever been and I didn’t know what else to do. I cried so hard just wishing that I stopped existing, I didn’t want to die I just wanted to be happy. Things were very difficult for me, as with many others, when lockdown first came down and I didn’t know what to do as I had lost complete control over everything. Spending my entire day in my bedroom, sitting up in bed, unable to speak to anybody or do anything, I wished everything would just be over. It was too hard to speak to anyone online about how I felt. 

I found a website that offered therapy from trained professionals and at first I was a little sceptical but I had nothing to lose. I had already wasted enough money online, why not waste it on something that could help. Now, I don’t regret a single penny I spent as it was certainly worth it. 

Overwhelmed by the signing up, I grabbed my credit card and entered my details. It asked me for my home address and telephone number and the last time i had suicidal thoughts. I was honest. I had to agree that if I said something that was alarming or concerning, if I told them I was on the verge or I was in any emergency situation, they would send the appropriate authorities. At first I didn’t want to sign up because of that, I wasn’t going to do anything like that, I don’t know what I felt at that point but I entered every detail through my wet eyes. I received 50% off for the first 3 months. That was me done. I was cured. I feel as if that was the hardest part… but I gave myself a lifeline. 

I was too afraid to actually speak to my therapist at first. I had the choice between text only or video call. I received a message from them. But I ignored it at first. It had taken me over a week to send my first message. Now, more than a year later, my therapist and I have both decided now is a good enough time to stop. Although I can always go back whenever I feel like it. 

My first therapy session was not as bad as I thought it would be. You don’t even need a reason to ask for therapy it could just simply be started due to a friends suggestion. It could also range in terms of length from just a few weeks to months or years. The most difficult part is starting because after that I was actually looking forward to it. 

There was a little tab that I could keep a journal of my feelings. That was an important for me. I find it too hard to open up and speak honestly in a face to face situation and sometimes I feel that I don’t wish to put pressure on anybody else. I’ve always enjoyed writing in my diaries for as long as I can remember and that’s what led me to writing my 2021 diary. This is the half-way point of my New Years resolution and a part of me wants to stop now as my therapy sessions have stopped but I will see this through to the very end. This is my 27th entry of my diary with another 26 to go. When I am complete I will keep this in the corner of the internet for anybody to read. Honestly, by writing like this, my journal has helped so much in organising my emotions. Like my therapy sessions, I won’t be writing in this forever. 

My Friday 

Today has been a day mixed with good and bad emotions and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. We decided at work that It would a casual dress code day and our boss said that if the weather was good we could go to the beach for lunch. The weather wasn’t as great so he took us out to a little cafe where we sat at an outdoor table for lunch. I really enjoyed it. I got to sit next to Ben and that made me really happy. Because I find it so difficult to speak properly about my feelings, instead I blow him hot and cold, I am quite nasty sometimes, I wrote a little note that said ‘hi, can we be friends’. I kept the note in my pocket all day and I wanted to give it to him. 

Ben blows me hot and cold generally, it depends on his mood how he treats me, sometimes he says hi other times he ignores me. Sometimes he is full of conversation and  other times it feels like taking blood from a stone. Sometimes I just want to scream, but that would be completely unprofessional, why is this bothering me so much. I’ve told myself every single day this week that I will do something about it. I don’t know what to do though. There’s a part of me that just wants to cut him off completely and I want to give him the cold shoulder. Find a way to make him despise me. If I became someone that he hated I could just get over my feelings, but when he’s nice to me I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. He definitely crosses my mind more than he should. 

I’ve come to the final decision that I will get this out for good. I will write a letter. Much like the letters that I wrote last March/April to many people that will never receive those letters. But that helped me get my feelings out and let me express myself a little. I have decided I will hand write this letter over the weekend and if I decide to give him it on Monday I can finally get over this obstacle/obsession. That is my deadline. If I don’t give him the letter I will just try and destroy every feeling I have for him. I think that would be the right thing to do. 

Vaccinations 

The current vaccination status in Scotland is relatively well. 70.1% of the entire Scottish population has received the first dose of a vaccine (86% of Scottish adults). 50.1% of the entire Scottish population has received both doses (61.6% of Scottish adults). Although the number of daily cases is rapidly rising with over 4,200 cases reported yesterday and the number of people in hospital is also increasing. Deaths are still low. 

I have decided to stop with the heading of ‘vaccinations at x% (x%)’ as I know that our vaccination figures are going in the right direction. I need to stop obsessing so much over the fine details as we exit lockdown as it is causing me so much anxiety. Of course I will still write about the easing of the restrictions and how that may affect me and my friends/family. But I feel that this is the right place to stop on the half way point of my 2021 diary. 

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June 2021

Daily Diary – June 2021

My daily diary where I will write a few sentences about each day. By doing this I hope to discover and appreciate the finer moments in my life and perhaps recall the journey of this year when I reach the end.

From the people I meet, the video games I play or the time I go to bed, good days and bad days, I will continue to write.

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ONE

Horrible day at work but I got finished a little earlier. Got to work with Ben for a little while. Went to Nandos with Dani and another ex-work colleague. Early night because I need to start work earlier tomorrow. My dad got home from hospital at night but has to go back for more scans in 2 weeks.

TWO

Got to work a little before 830am and met with Ben as we were working together in the morning only. Got finished work a little bit earlier today as well. My sister and nephew visited. Sister got phone call to tell her she’s a close contact so needs to isolate for COVID, she and I done lateral flow tests (both negative), she also done a PCR which is also negative. But she had to go home and isolate until next Monday.

THREE

Lots of work to do today but many things were just not going right. Didn’t get finished until 4pm and lunch break was only 10 minutes. Was meant to go to Stevens house in the evening but I fell asleep and woke up at 10pm. Don’t want to stay up too late as work early again tomorrow.

FOUR

Nice day at work with Erin. Was exhausted after work so went for a long nap before meeting up with Lisa, short drive to the beach and general catch up. Met up with Billy at 11pm and we chilled out in my bedroom and I drove him home around 1am. 

Published ‘Repeat’ on blog. 

FIVE

Spent my Saturday playing video games. Met up with a friend around 9:30pm, Joe, who I have never met before but spoken for a while. He doesn’t live too far from where I live. I recorded my first time lapse video of the sunset and tide coming in. I love how warm and light the evenings are getting. 

SIX

Another hot day in Scotland. Went over to Lisa’s for an hour or so because she made waffles, they were good. Then I went for a short drive before coming home and spent my evening chilling out with video games. Got myself showered and shaved for work tomorrow. 

SEVEN

Not a bad Monday at work as we had a fair bit to do today. Met up with Billy in the evening to chill in the outdoors as the weather was quite good. We sat on a hill overlooking the country park (taking a time-lapse video). Also, the cows escaped the field and were walking on the path.

EIGHT

Working with the entire team today at work. I felt stupid with the ‘letter’ that wasn’t even a letter, I wrote about in my diary. I spent the rest of the day after work feeling a little down. Met up with Mike in the evening as he is home visiting his parents.

NINE

Spent quite a bit of the day driving at work. I wasn’t working with Ben today but was in the office with him and I tried to impress him by swiping a cable back and forth. Went for a drive in the evening with Billy but the weather wasn’t that great and I got a little lost driving so we just sat in my car and chatted. Accidentally stayed up until 5am playing video games.

TEN

Work was horrible today but adventure with Rachel in the evening. Taking some time-lapse videos and enjoying the warm weather. I spent my night playing video games.

ELEVEN

Using a days holiday from work to catch up on sleep as it was definitely required. My sister and nephew came to visit today. I met up with Billy in the evening for a mini adventure.

Published ‘Letters’ on blog.

TWELVE

Quiet Saturday but went for a small trip with Lisa and her friend. We went to the supermarket to get some ice cream for our journey. Then I met up with Billy for a trip to McDonalds.

THIRTEEN

Got my first Pfizer vaccination shot today against COVID. Spent the day resting but then went for an adventure with Lisa and her boyfriend to the beach. My arm was in agony.

FOURTEEN

Had an enjoyable day at work but my arm really hurt from the vaccination, so I had to nap after work then went out for a short drive at night.

FIFTEEN

Quiet morning at work but was enjoyable. We had a 2 hour meeting in the afternoon. Met with Billy at night to go to the park for photography, we seen 2 swans with their babies on the main path.

SIXTEEN

Work with Erin today and we went out for our lunch to a sit-in restaurant. Spent my evening doing a little bit of video editing. I was supposed to meet Graham, an old friend from school, but he had to cancel.

SEVENTEEN

Day off work as I took a days holiday. Feels like a wasted day as I couldn’t find motivation or energy to do any of the things I wanted. Although I met up with Lisa at night for an hour or so. Then I went for a drive in the evening by myself to chill out.

EIGHTEEN

Day off work today to go to The Scottish Deer Centre. I wrote about this in my diary, my dad had to go home with mum but I stayed with sister, nephew and brother in law. I enjoyed feeding the deer! Met up with Billy at night time to go for ice cream. 

Published ‘Future Hobbies’ on blog.

NINETEEN

Chilled Saturday. Spent the day doing a little organising of my diary. I played FF14 for a little bit and then went to the supermarket with Lisa to get a few snacks and drinks.

TWENTY

Father’s day today, not sure what to get my dad so I got him a really nice card and a voucher to use on iTunes. I had plans in the early afternoon to meet up with Tom, who I hadn’t seen for about 7 years! It was a nice day out at a beach/coast.

TWENTY-ONE

Had a busy day at work today as there was a lot of driving to do so I didn’t get home until a little after 4pm. After I ate I wanted to go for a nap because I had plans to drive to watch the sunrise with Billy to try and get it on film. We sat in my car for a few hours and we were both very tired. 

TWENTY-TWO

I had the day off work today as I was up late last night, woke up about 3pm. Met up with an old school friend, Graham, and we talked about our school days and what we’ve been up to. Also, my sister and nephew visited for a little bit for the afternoon.

TWENTY-THREE

Finished work very early today so nipped to the shops with Erin to get lunch and some vape juice. In the evening I met up with Billy to do some videography work at a park.

TWENTY-FOUR

Got home from work and went for a long nap and some pretty crazy dreams. Met up with Mike as he was visiting his parents for a few days. Went for a short drive and McDonalds. When I got home I watched the weeks Coronation Street episodes.

TWENTY-FIVE

Finished work around 2pm and chilled out afterwards writing in my diary. Met up with Billy  in the evening and we went to the beach. It was a nice day sitting by the rocks near a lighthouse. 

Published ‘Summer Time’ on blog.

TWENTY-SIX

Met up with Nicola and Paul for fish n chips, I drove, it was a good day and the weather was really nice. Didn’t do very much in the evening but somehow I was still awake at 4am.

TWENTY-SEVEN

BBQ with Lisa and her university friends in her garden for a socially distant party. It was so sunny and everyone had a good time. Then, we all went to the local park taking about 4 cars – there was 12 of us (the legal social limit) plus 3 children. Then I got home and ordered takeaway and went to bed at a reasonable time.  

TWENTY-EIGHT

Extremely busy day at work. One of the best days I’ve had in such a long time. I was so exhausted when I got home and I also got to work with Ben for most of the day, I also got to drive him. 

TWENTY-NINE

Managed to pre order a PS5 in the morning! An even busier day at work today with Ben driving. I like sitting in the front of the vehicle when he drives. Although didn’t get to work with him for very long today. Sister and nephew came to visit then I met Lisa in the evening. I spent a few hours at night working on my diary and website.

THIRTY

Last day of the month. I was very grumpy at work. I can’t really explain the feelings that I felt but I just felt angry for little to no reason. My PS5 arrived about 5pm so I got it all set up. I’ve been writing in this daily diary for 6 months now so I feel that I have achieved something at least. 

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Summer Time

My New Friend: Billy

So, my ‘New Friend’ that I’ve mentioned previously, in my daily diary entries, finally gets a name. His name is Billy and he is a little bit younger than I am. There’s definitely a slight generation gap in our humour and interests but we get on really well together. Billy is a funny guy to be around and I feel as if the age gap wasn’t that big we could probably be a little more than just friends. Although I am more than happy with our friendship I am still not ready to fully open up to him, I feel as if I listen more than I talk which isn’t really a bad thing.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned Billy very much in my main ‘2021 diary’ but I have mentioned I’ve been with him in my ‘Daily Diary’ entries. I will probably edit all the times I’ve referred to him as my ‘New Friend’ to ‘Billy’ because I feel that the people I have named in my diary are the ones that have a bigger impact on my life. Billy has accompanied me to the shops and also on my adventures to do some photography work out and about, I would happily go alone, but the company is nice. I do ask if he’s bored and try to entertain him but the conversation is always interesting and can be a little random at times. 

I would say that I am glad we have become friends. I am so excited to see where our friendship goes! Although I haven’t really been able to open up as much to him, I feel as if that’s not  as important. Maybe because I feel like I’m helping him and that gives me satisfactory feelings. Perhaps I could write a little more about Billy but I’m not sure what else I could say except I hope that our friendship continues strongly.

An Old Friend: Tom

Last weekend I met up with Tom. We hadn’t seen each other in so long, I would guess around 5 years or so. We had also regularly lost touch as he would sometimes deactivate his social media accounts but we would probably message each other every couple of years. He had said to me a few weeks ago that he wanted to go to this place that was near where I lived and I told him it would be great to finally meet up again and to see what’s new in each others lives. We set a date and time and the place that we will meet.

I’m not going to lie, I was a little nervous as I hadn’t seem Tom in what feels like an eternity. We used to be very close and would regularly sit down at the beach at stupid late times and eat ice cream or I would assist him in taking some photographs. We would both fancy the same guys and would discuss who we had crushes on, there was never anything more between us, but we enjoyed each others company. We first met on my birthday at a nightclub in Edinburgh and we had a mutual friends house that we stayed at that night. We would then constantly text back and forth until next time we were both out.

The place that we met was very busy. I sent him my location and he walked through the crowds to meet me. We were both a little late as there was a lot of roadworks on our journey but we managed to find a quiet spot to catch up outdoors. I asked him to help me find a good spot to take a time lapse video and we set up and sat on the edge of a mini cliff and chatted about current events such as how lockdown has affected us both and our thoughts on the future. Without realising it we had sat for over an hour and then decided to go for a little exploration and then I remembered I had been here before a few years prior. Then, we went for a short drive in his new electric car as to find a charging point. I was very impressed with how well it drives as we talked about how more common they will be in about 10 years and everyone will be driving one. I hope that by the year 2031 I am driving an electric car and have been for quite a few years. The price of petrol is quite high at the moment around 130 pence per litre, it takes about £45 to fill my tank. I know that over the next few years that will probably rise a fair amount. 

I hope I get to see Tom again real soon. I accidentally left my new hoodie in the back of his car so he will need to ‘drop it off’ to me in the near future. I really hope we can explore a little more as we both seem to find the interest in the smallest of things, such as the colour of the rocks or the shapes of the clouds. Nothing has really changed all that much between us and it felt as if I had only seen him a few weeks prior.

School Buddies: Graham

I met up with an old school friend earlier in the week. I last seen him a few years ago but we lost touch easily as we are both pretty terrible with social media. We didn’t actually do very much as I arranged to meet him at a small car park near his house and I had plans to go somewhere for a walk or something. We met a little before 6pm, we chatted away for what felt like a few minutes, then it had somehow become 10pm. We had just sat in the same carpark for 4 hours and there wasn’t a silent moment.

We talked about our high school days and what everybody else is up to these days. It seems that neither of us are in the position we thought we would be in at this time of our lives when we were at school. But, that’s okay! We have our little short-term plans in place and we are taking steps to make that become a reality. It was so nice to talk about the past a little bit and I think I should maybe write some stories about my high school days

Dreams: Hallucinations

Thursday evening I went for a small nap. I haven’t been sleeping right this week as have been so busy meeting friends and working, I’ve slept in for work multiple times this week. There’s not an evening this week where I’ve been able to just stay at home. Almost every day I’ve had at least an hours nap after work as well. But the nap I had on Thursday was one like no other.

I must have fallen asleep a little after 6 and I felt like I slept for hours. I woke up. It was morning and had a phone call with someone that I’ve never met. I felt a weird feeling like I was tired but I wasn’t really tired. I was in a bed that someone else had slept in next to me but they weren’t there. Somehow I wasn’t on the phone anymore and decided to go back to sleep. It was still 6pm. I had plans but I had to cancel them. I don’t know if the person came back to bed or not as my eyes were closed. There was also a cat meowing somewhere that wasn’t in my bedroom. I don’t have a cat. 

I think I slipped between dream land and reality many times but eventually I returned and it was half past seven. I had only been asleep for an hour and a half. But I felt strange. I haven’t had a dream like that in so long. I’m not sure how it made me feel but it has been on my mind. I also realise that I haven’t written about much of my dreams in this diary but I don’t think I’ve really had any lately. 

Drive With Mike

Mike was back home visiting his parents for a few nights as he had a funeral to attend. I asked if he would like to hang out for a little while and he said he would be more than happy to. He asked if we could just go on a random drive somewhere so I took him around the coast and we talked mostly about video games. After we had driven for a little while he asked if we could stop by McDonalds and I thought that was a good idea.

We parked in the car park as I went onto the app to make an order. I don’t even know what happened but he was recording a voice note and I made a weird sound in the background and he stopped. He laughed and asked me what that sound was and I told him I didn’t know that it just sort of came out. We laughed. We couldn’t stop and we nearly cried for laughing so hard. He played the recording back and we laughed all the way through it so wasn’t able to hear so he had to play it again. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed that hard for a long time, especially not with Mike as we haven’t played online together in a while and that is where we usually catch up. It felt great to laugh and hang out in person as we have very similar tastes in video games and music. 

I’ve had such a busy week this week, as with the many previous weeks, and I hope it continues. Catching up with old friends and making new friends makes me feel more human than I have felt in so long. As this is the beginning of Summer I have a feeling that the ‘Summer of 2021’ will be one to remember amid everything else that is going on in the world. I hope to document my summer in this diary and make it one to remember.

Vaccinations at 67.9% (48.5%)

As the focus of my diary moves away from the discussion of lockdown restrictions and more into the development of my life, as stated in most recent diary entries, writing about vaccinations is crucial. Unfortunately Scotland has recorded the most cases since the pandemic began with numbers reaching almost 3,000, the highest recorded number back in the second (or third?) wave in January was around 2,600. Although the link between cases and severe illness is becoming weaker, there is still a slight potential of things becoming worse with hospitalisations increasing as today we stand at 188 in hospital with 16 in ICU. At the last peak in January there was just over 2,000 people in hospital and I sincerely hope that we don’t see that number again. The average number of deaths is around 2-3 each day at this point with the highest average of around 60 at the end of January. Personally, I don’t know if I would be able to mentally handle if restrictions were tightened although further easing has been delayed, the date for restrictions to end is supposed to be sometime in July for England at least. All I can do is to continue to write.

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Future Hobbies

My vaccination 

Last weekend I got my first dose, out of 2, of the vaccine for protection against the coronavirus. I received the Pfizer vaccine. Hopefully this will get us one step closer to the road out of lockdown. 

My vaccination was around 1400 hours but we headed down for 1330 as I didn’t want to be late. My dad wanted to come with me so I didn’t have to stress about driving home if I had a bad reaction. Also, I drove him for his vaccination as well. 

I had to register at one of the shops that had been outfitted with a front desk and lots of seats spaced 2 metres apart. Although the room wasn’t lit very well it was bright enough to see. I told the person behind the plastic screen my name and confirmed my date of birth then I was asked to take a seat. I only sat for 1-2 minutes and was then asked to go to the second converted shop to wait for my vaccine. There was only about 6 seats in here and spaced apart 2 metres. Whenever somebody was called up the staff would come and sanitise the seat. There was screens separating each of the small desks, 12 in total, all numbered with the nurses name written on a board above where they sat. 

I was the 3rd person in the queue and I was called up pretty fast. I had someone ask me questions such as if I had any allergies to anything, if I had taken part in any of the vaccine trials or if I had any symptoms of covid. I said no to those questions and I was fine to continue. She left and the nurse that was doing the jabs spoke to me. She was very nice and I told her that I had a huge fear of needles. She told me that she just wanted me to relax my arm and look straight ahead. Before I knew it she said it was done and I was a little shocked that I didn’t feel anything, there was no blood either. She told me that I had to walk around to the other waiting area and sit for 10-15 minutes in case I have a reaction. 

There was about 20 or so seats here. I sat down and read the leaflet I was given about any side effects. I closed it as I didn’t want to overthink any negative possible outcome so then I sent a few messages on my phone. After about 12 minutes I got up and left and met my dad who was sitting on one of the chairs outside and then we started walking back to the car. 

I think I was the only person to have someone with me, although my dad never came anywhere near the place. That made me feel very lucky to have someone that would do that for me! I think in total I seen around 25 people getting their jabs. But we got back to the car for 1400 hours, the time my vaccination was supposed to be at. 

That evening I went out with Lisa and her boyfriend to the beach and a walk around another town. It was a nice day, about 24 degrees, with very little wind. My arm started to hurt a little. By the time I got home and played my PS4 for a few hours, my arm was a lot more painful. I’m unable to lift my arm up high and there is a slight throbbing pain. 

The next day at work on Monday my arm was throbbing and at one point I had to remove my jumper as I thought my arm may explode. I asked my colleagues if it looked swollen but they couldn’t see anything wrong. Luckily that evening I went for a short nap and by the time I had awoken the pain was completely gone. 

Time Lapse II

Last week I wrote about time lapse videos and this week I wanted to write a little more. I have managed to capture quite a few videos that I think would look great if I was to post them online. I’ve always had a fascination with photography as well as my writing. I have a few plans in my mind to where I want to go to shoot some time lapse videos. I may need to adapt my website to showcase my videos but I am a little unsure of the small details yet. For now, I will continue to capture a few more videos.

Earlier in the week I decided to go out to a coastal location to attempt to get a sunset but the car park I got to was full of people and I got so anxious I was unable to leave my car. I don’t want to look stupid. But I felt more stupid for not just getting out my car and doing what I needed to do. I ended up driving to another smaller car park and got out my car immediately to get a shot down at the water front. I sat by myself on a bench for around 30 minutes but I wasn’t too impressed with the final footage. 

I guess it could take many attempts to get what I want as I do have a final image in my head of what I want to create. I am determined to try this and make a final product that I can be equally as proud of as with my writing. Also, I bought myself a new piece of equipment to aid the stability of my camera. I haven’t bought myself anything new for what feels like forever and I think I could get a good use out of this. 

Deer

Today we had a family day planned at the ‘The Scottish Deer Centre’ in Fife with my parents, sister, nephew and brother-in-law. We were all very excited to spend the day together as an entire family as everybody was free (I booked a days holiday and my sister and brother-in-law were off this whole week. 

The day started off great but unfortunately my parents had to leave after 30 minutes or so because my dad was in so much pain with his stomach. He had more scans this week and hopefully he gets his results next week as to what the problem actually is for sure and how they can help him. As my parents left I was able to stay as my brother-in-law was going to drive me home afterwards, also so that my dad was able to spend more time with my nephew as it was obvious he was quite disappointed he was unable to stay.

I have a feeling that somehow we managed to start at the end of the trial as everybody was walking towards us. It was a nice day out but it was obvious that we were unable to fully enjoy ourselves as my sister and I were worried about our dad. I was so proud of my nephew being able to walk for about 80% of the journey! He must have been exhausted afterwards. My nephew is more interested in sticks and rocks from the ground than the actual swings and chutes and at one point he picked up a ‘large’ stick but I managed to pick up a much larger stick and his reaction was ‘oh wow!’ And it made us all laugh.

At the very end of the trial (or supposed beginning) we were able to feed the deer with the pellets we bought at the ticket kiosk. The park wasn’t overly busy so the deer came over when they seen that we had food. It was honestly so relaxing just to chill with about 5 or 6 deer. I know that they were probably only giving me attention because I had food in my hand. But I felt a little special so tried to drag it on for as long as possible.

Vaccinations at 65.7% (46.4%)

The progress of vaccinations is going very well with 65.7% of the entire Scottish population received at least the first dose (including myself). 34% of 18-29 year olds have had their first vaccine and 73% of 30-39 year olds have had their first vaccine. In Scotland, we are on track to giving everyone over the age of 18 a first vaccine dose by the middle of next month. The second doses are mainly administered to those aged between 50-54 over the last 7 days but we are slowly working ourselves down the age brackets.

Although cases are rapidly rising again with cases over the 1,000 mark each day in Scotland, I’m unsure what the next few weeks will have in store for us. It seems to be those of us that are not fully vaccinated that are going into hospital, but it will be difficult to tell exactly how this will pan out. I must remain optimistic as the vaccines are doing their job.

I had hoped to write a little more this week but my word count is already around 1,500 words. I feel like I’m missing something that I should have written a few days ago. Perhaps it will come to me over the weekend. I’m going to spend a few hours at some point updating my website a little and a little organisation of my pages. This is my 25th entry and I cannot believe I have stuck to this new years resolution and I am almost half way through this project. 34,000 words have been written so far in this diary, although it is completely unedited and full of spelling and grammar errors but I quite like it that way. 

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Letters

Schrödinger’s Letter

I am writing this on Tuesday 8th as this has been on my mind all day at work. Schrödingers’s Cat, a thought experiment that I will explain to what my knowledge of this concept is. Inside a box contains a cat and a vial of poison is shattered inside with the press of a button. Until the box is opened the cat is simultaneously alive and dead but only when the box is opened the cat could either be alive or dead. The concept appears in many sci-fi and time travel anime and movies that I’ve watched.  I wanted to write a little about a ‘letter’ that I received today. All I could think of the entire day at work was Schrodinger’s Letter.

Last night, on Monday, I sent Ben a text saying I was in his town and that I wanted to go to KFC if he fancied it as I don’t really want to go there myself. I spent about 15 minutes writing 2 short sentences but when I sent it I sat in my car with the music down low and awaited a reply that never came, the message wasn’t even read. I pushed it out of my mind and I wasn’t really thinking about too much until the next morning.

I arrived at work a few minutes before him and when he arrived he walked to the opposite side of the room. I felt a little awkward. I was planning on acting casual and maybe mention the message I sent to him and ask if he wanted to go to KFC at some point. But, everybody else walked in and then we had to leave to get on with our day. He walked past the desk I was sitting at and placed a folded piece of paper directly in front of me. I sneakily picked it up thinking he may not want anyone to see it and I put it in my pocket. I wanted to read it as soon as possible.

There was 2 vans going out today with the entire team, Ben got in the other van and Erin was in my van although I wasn’t driving. Erin got into the van first and she sat in the back so I had to get into the front. I didn’t want to read the letter if she was able to get a glimpse of it. I wanted to sit in the back so that I could get a little privacy. We stopped off just before our destination so that we could all get a coffee, although I just had a cigarette. We didn’t speak. I still felt nervous. Throughout the day we were walking around a little and I wanted to walk near to him but I couldn’t quite form any words. I kept thinking about this letter that was in my pocket as there could have been so many things it could have said but every possibility existed.

Firstly I was kind of hoping it was a love letter. The possibility definitely existed whilst the letter remained in my pocket. Perhaps he felt the same way I do and was too shy to confess his feelings. Maybe he was going to ask me on a date and tell me that he was in love with me. He was probably a little scared to confess his feelings as he’s a little anxious about what the outcome would be.

Second possibility that was going through my mind was that he liked me but just very shy around me. Maybe he was going to apologise for not replying and wanted to ask me to hang at some point. He might have wanted to go on an adventure with me somewhere and play some video games with me at some point. I would really like that as well.

Another possibility was that it was going to be a letter to tell me that he only likes me as a friend and that I would ‘need to get over him’ and he was being nasty to be kind. A kind of way to put me down gently. Perhaps it was going to be gentle let down.

Finally, the possibility of a nasty letter, not so politely to tell me to leave him alone. Perhaps he was going to tell me how much I disgust him and how creepy he thinks I am. The letter could be explaining to me how he just wants to be as professional as possible as we need to work together but as soon as the working day is over, we become strangers.

Whatever could have been in this letter was eating away at me. I had already gone the entire day with this letter in my pocket with endless possibilities and outcomes. Before we got back into the vans to head back I went into the bathroom. I stood inside the cubicle for a few minutes and I thought about just not reading the letter until I got home as I needed the courage to even remove it from my pocket. I decided just to go for it. I removed it from my pocket and I could see some sort of writing, it was typed. 

I slowly opened this letter and it was just instructions from one of the tasks at work we have been doing. It wasn’t a letter. It was nothing. I felt so stupid. I felt like a fool. Overthinking so much that I could even believe it could have been a letter to begin with. I walked out of the bathroom trying to be as normal as possible. None of my colleagues could have guessed what has been on my mind and yet it was causing me so much anxiety. I just wanted to punch him, hug him, or just talk to him. I feel that I’m beginning to have all these emotions and I don’t know what to do with them so I just write about them.

I understand I need to face reality. I cannot keep doing this to myself as it is not healthy. I fear that I can’t even keep writing about things like this and yet this is probably the topic I write about the most, Ben. I have so much potential to offer to any future partner of mine but I have all these negative obsessive-like thoughts. I feel so comfortable when I’m working with him or even just thinking about him. He brings me a sense of peace and serenity. He is honestly the most beautiful guy I have ever laid eyes on and yet a voice in my head that says ‘he’s far too good for you’, or ‘get over it’, but I can’t help the way I feel. I also can’t help not being able to speak freely about my feelings. One of my reasons I have for keeping my diary in the first place.

Speaking about letters, I read the letter that I wrote to him on 31st March 2020. A time when I wrote a lot of letters to people that I would never send. A part of me wants to give him that letter and another part wants to write him a new letter. That might not be a good idea as it could backfire at me. I’ve not decided what I will do yet but I have 2 choices. I either keep all this bottled inside and maybe keep writing about it in my diary. Or, I tell him how I feel. I don’t know how I’m going to do that as I feel like I’ve already shown my obsessiveness to him but then I don’t really know what he is thinking. Working together alone with him last week felt so good.  I just wish we could hang outside of work to see if we get on well.

Time Lapse

Over the last week I have a new found fascination with time-lapse videos. I have already taken quite a few videos that I absolutely love. From the tide coming in at the beach, the sun setting, the blowing wind through the trees and the movement of the clouds alongside some stunning environments around where I live. I think a short ‘moving photograph’ is much more interesting than any photo or video could ever show. Most of the time lapses I have taken are with a ratio of 1 minute to 1 second, so that by sitting next to my iPhone and tripod for 30 minutes I will get a 30 second time lapse video. Also, by doing these time lapse videos gives me a chance to socialise outdoors with my friends although I am more than willing to go out by myself to do this if need be.

I’ve watched quite a few time lapse video on YouTube and I really enjoy watching them. My favourite video was from the Isle of Skye in Scotland and I would love if I could try and recreate something similar. My video might not be as great as I feel my video editing skills may not be all that great but I am more than determined to give it a go. Perhaps this could allow me to show off my part of the world with everyone else. I may post a mixture of time lapse videos, normal speed videos and the odd photograph, I haven’t quite decided yet. I may not even make a video but for now I will just enjoy creating my time lapse videos.

The Bridge

I’m not really sure if I should be writing about this. Rachel and I spent the evening outdoors together doing a time lapse video and generally catching up. She had told me she had wanted to walk along to Forth Road Bridge and I told her that I have been there many times. Rachel was driving and I gave her directions to the car park. The weather wasn’t that cold for being near 10pm as I forgot to bring a jacket or hoodie with me so I was left in my t-shirt. It was a nice short walk, though we had no intention of walking over the bridge just a little bit to get a few photographs and enjoy the view. There is a car park on the north side of the bridge that I know of and there is a path to walk down to the bridge. Although, you need to walk under the bridge to be able to cross as they seem to keep one side of the bridge closed to pedestrians and cyclists. 

Rachel commented on someone that was standing and she asked me if I thought he was alright. He had been standing ever since he came into her sight. We discussed what we were going to do as we approached him. Do we try and speak to him and ask if he’s okay as he looks like he was thinking about jumping. We were getting closer and I started to panic a little. As we were almost within talking distance, the maintenance van came along the path, 4 men got out and they surrounded the boy. He looked as if he could be my age although I didn’t get a close enough look. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but we continued to walk. Further up the path there was a part of the bridge covered in padlocks as they made a metallic sound in the wind. We looked back and seen a police van pull into the path so we decided to walk back because we were getting very cold. The police spoke to him and they thankfully managed to get him inside the van. Rachel and I walked back to her car and we drove home.

I wasn’t really sure whether or not to write about the boy on the bridge but it has been on my mind. I have no idea what he was thinking or if even he was thinking. I know that people that contemplate suicide don’t really want to die, I think about that sort of scenario a lot, not about suicide but dying in general. I just want to write here that if anything had happened and he did fall, I would have been sad! If he was thinking that nobody would have missed him or that nobody would even care that he was gone, I would care. These are not just empty generic words, I care and I hope you all the best. Perhaps in some strange chance you could be reading this in the future. Another thing, please don’t be ashamed. I’m always here if you need to speak.

I really want to read some of the things I wrote throughout 2019 as I wrote quite a lot of worrying things. It wasn’t a suicide note but a ‘just in case anything happened’ note. Sometimes I am afraid of the moment of weakness when nothing seems positive. I can’t remember the feelings I had at that time but I do remember it wasn’t exactly a great time. I know that I never want to feel that way again, though I have felt close throughout these days throughout lockdown. I actually want to attempt to post all those diary entries and letters online at some point although I think some editing may be required. 

Forager (PS4)

I started playing a new video game last weekend, Forager, an adventure/survival indie game. I think I will have finished by tomorrow as it isn’t a very large game. I had seen the game a few years ago and discovered it was available as physical disk version (I prefer physical media) and it wasn’t too expensive. I don’t have very much to say about this game but I felt it was important to add into my diary. I hope to play a lot more games that are similar to Forager and I hope to be able to purchase them physically.

Vaccinations at 63.3% (43.5%)

With an R number between 1.2 and 1.4 in Scotland, things are not looking too well. The cases and hospital admissions in Scotland are on the rise and I am a little worried. Although it seems to be cases amongst those that are not fully vaccinated. I think the important number to watch for now is the 43.5% of the entire Scottish population that have received both vaccine doses. 

This weekend I will receive my first dose of the vaccine. I hope I don’t faint, I hate needles.

Every entry in this diary, since my third entry, has the heading ‘Vaccinations at x% (x%) and the number is brackets is the both vaccination doses. I’m not really sure if I’m making sense as I am getting very sleepy but I just want to mention this before I forget. Boris Johnson, the Prime Minster, is to make a statement on TV on Monday in terms of restrictions. I think the reopening may be delayed in England as now it is supposed to be 21st June but that may be the middle of July now. 

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Repeat

Hospital 

It is currently 2am on Sunday night/Monday. I don’t know how to put this into words but I’m going to try. I had to take my dad to the hospital as he was having pain down his left side and the pain has been there for around 3-4 weeks but tonight it became unbearable. He is currently spending the night in hospital and we will get more news tomorrow morning. I hope it’s nothing too serious but they have mention fluid in his lung, or perhaps a collapsed lung. We will yet learn more. 

I am currently sitting in the bath, perhaps a little too much information, but I want everything else to remain as normal as possible. I had my Sunday pamper night planned for a while now so I used my bath bomb from lush; didn’t quite get around to doing face masks and I can’t be bothered shaving my face – but that’s not important. 

It was just a normal Sunday. I slept in until around 12/1pm as I had a late night gaming session. My parents went to visit my sister and nephew at a park half-way between our houses as it was a really nice day. I’m a little gutted I wasn’t awake to go but it was last minute plans and I enjoyed my gaming session. My parents ordered Chinese for tea and I done my usual, after food I had a cigarette and then went back to my PS4. My mum shouts up the stairs to me and I paused my game to see what she was wanting. She told me that she was taking my dad to the hospital as his pain is getting worse. My dad clearly didn’t want to go and thought it would pass, so he wanted to go for a cigarette to see how he felt. So we sat in the back garden for a few minutes before he decided he had to go. We got our shoes on and I started my car up, making sure we had all my dads medication with us just in case. 

I drove almost 90mph to get to the hospital and we arrived a little before 6pm. My mum and dad both went in, I parked the car and waiting in the car for what felt like forever. Texting my mum asking if there was any updates. Eventually she told me just to come in as there was other people waiting, as covid restrictions had been lifted a little unlike last time I was here. My had had already seen the triage nurse and he told me he was just waiting for an available cubicle. I don’t even know how long we waited for but it felt like forever. I sat in between my mum and dad, watching everyone else in the waiting room. There was so many different age groups in here, including a couple brought in by the police. Then, a doctor called out my dads name and he left, he was able to walk by himself without need of a wheel chair like the first time we came. 

I decided to go for a cigarette out the front of the hospital as the waiting room was far too hot. I bought a cold drink for me and my mum to share. After my cigarette, I sat in the same spot. We waited for just over an hour before the same doctor came back out and called out ‘family of dads name’, and then we proceeded to walk through to the little diagnosis room. We were unable to see him due to covid restrictions on the ward. The doctor explained to us that he had done X-rays and they think it could be a fluid in his lung, or a collapsed lung, that they had taken blood and sent it off for testing and that it may be a while so we were best just to go home. He told us that my dad was saying he wanted to go home, but they had attached pain killers through a drip so he was best staying. 

When my mum and I got back to my car at 10pm, I called my sister straight away and we spoke to her to tell her what had happened. When I went for my earlier cigarette I had text her husband to let him know. I didn’t want to text my sister directly in case she was breast feeding and I’m not very good at breaking bad news. Of course she is worried, but I am so glad we let her know as soon as it happened. I want to tell her everything along the way as she has every right to know. 

When I got home I went for another cigarette and my mum and I put out both of the wheelie bins for tomorrows collection. My mum made something to eat before she went to bed and I returned to my PS4 as I just left it on pause. Not really feeling like gaming but I wanted a distraction for a chance to reflect on things. The hospital called just after 11pm and that’s when they told us to call back ‘late morning’ as that’s when they will know more. We both hope he will get out tomorrow but a part of me is a little unsure. 

Contemplating whether or not I wanted to go in the bath. I was going to just have a quick shower but, I know this sounds crazy, I want things to be as normal as possible. I’ve already been speaking to Lisa, Rachel and Dani throughout the evening and I told Dani that I want to still go for our old work mini reunion to Nandos. I will also still be going into work tomorrow. I need a distraction and I need normality. I don’t know what the outcome will be but I may or may not write anymore of this in my diary, I don’t want that pressure hanging over me. But again, I felt the need to write about this so badly. Now, I need to get out of the bath and have a shower before I make something to eat before I sleep. 

Do I ever think of dying?

Before I write any more, this post is not a cry for help, just some thoughts. It is Monday at 2030 hours and I drove to the park where I regularly write. I am exhausted but had to get out of the house. I think I am beginning to write more as my dad is still in hospital and I’m unsure when he will get out, though my mum remains ever optimistic. I felt that being in the house was suffocating me and I’m not really in the mood to socialise so once again I will confide in myself. 

I was dreading going into work today. Not just because I only had 2-3 hours sleep but because I was working with Ben. I’ve barely spoken to him since before Christmas but today it was just the two of us. When I got into work I told my boss that my dad was in hospital and that I would like to keep myself busy although I considered calling in sick. Luckily Ben was able to drive today so I didn’t have to concentrate too much on directions and remembering how to drive. Besides everything that has happened these last few days I want to write a little about my day, as trivial as this may seem. 

We made small talk. First place we went to we had to go for a little walk around the building to find the entrance and I followed him. I was nervous. I had nothing to say. I let him take the lead. When we got back to the van I got a little more chatty. At the second place we visited I felt like I took a bigger lead, first walking in, doing all the talking, asking for help to move a piece of furniture! When we were leaving a bird done a massive shit next to where we walked, those are the weird things I feel the need to write about. I asked him if he would take me through the McDonalds drive through for lunch to get a happy meal for Pokémon cards. He didn’t mind at all, I asked if he wanted anything but he had his lunch with him. I really enjoyed sitting in the van having lunch with him. The third and final site visit of the day was just a 5-10 minute job and I wish it could have been longer so I could spend more time with him. The drive back to our base he asked me a strange question, ‘Do you ever think of dying?’ I was shocked and speechless. Then he laughed and said that wasn’t a threat. 

I didn’t lie to him and I told him that I’ve definitely thought about it. But that I believe those that really want to die in fact just want to live a better life. I think I could probably write 1,000’s of words on my thoughts but I’ll refrain from doing that. The conversation felt a little like the one we had last March, the day lockdown was officially announced. I wish that we had longer to chat about it as I really want to know exactly what goes on in his head, I feel that we are on very similar wavelengths. I also feel that history is repeating and not in such a good way. I really really really wish we could be friends and hang outside of work again sometime. I wish we could be more than just friends but now is not the time to think of that. 

This is the second day in a row I have written in my diary. I have a mini ex-work reunion tomorrow (4 of us in total) and I really want to write about that as well. I feel the need to write is important right now but still as dedicated to only upload my diary on a Friday. Now, it is 9pm and I want to go to the supermarket for fuel and then go to the car wash as my car is filthy. So much bird shit! I also ran out of screen wash. 

Reunion

As it’s almost midnight on Tuesday 1st June 2021, I wanted to write something to continue my little daily writing streak. Today was quite an eventful day! But in such a good way. 

I got into work just like every other morning. Everything seemed okay. I was working with Erin but had to text her before we met to tell her my dad was in hospital as I didn’t really want to talk about it but to warn her that I may be a little off and possibly on edge. I may get a little frustrated or be silent but I didn’t mean anything by it, she understood. The morning went a lot better than expected but decided to open up a little at lunch time. I tried to be as calm as possible and I managed to get the things off my chest that I needed to. After lunch we met up with Ben and another colleague for a job and that cheered me up a lot. 

I forgot to mention that our job has been extended by a few more months so that means we will have to work together more and I don’t want any sort of unwelcome atmosphere filling the air at work. I need to try and remain the best possible version of myself, especially at work. I hope that we can rebuild friendships in the coming weeks, I enjoy our team effort and it really does make me feel great inside. 

I had a dinner date with 2 ex-work colleagues, Dani and another close colleague that I haven’t properly spoken to since I left at the start of 2020. I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t nervous because I was, but those feelings quickly faded. Dani and I had talked about going to Nandos for about 3-4 years and this was us finally getting the chance to do so. I value her friendship a lot as with my other ex-colleague as well. I hope we can do more things together real soon! Also, I have a small crush on one of the waiters at Nandos as he always serves my table, he is so pleasant, I think he’s been there for a few years now. 

As I sat in the back of the car heading through to Nandos I received a phone call from my mum. She told me that she was just about to pick up my dad from the Hospital. He was coming home! He spent only 2 nights in the hospital but it felt a lot longer, memories came flooding back of the many weeks during hard lockdown last year where he just wasn’t at home. I don’t know how my mum was able to cope, she is so optimistic about everting and refuses to think about any possible bad outcome. Although my dad got out, the hospital didn’t actually do anything, they don’t know what’s wrong and he got a few scans done and needs to go back in 2 weeks. I told him that they obviously don’t think it’s mega serious otherwise he would stay in for longer. I can definitely tell he’s glad to be home and we are all so glad he is here with us. 

I don’t think I have anything else to add to this part of my diary but it has certainly been a reunion in many senses. Old work colleagues, working closely with my current smaller team, and of course my dad coming home! I’m going to take a shower before I sleep as I start work earlier tomorrow. I’m kind of excited to see Ben again. I might bring him a can of juice in the morning. I also don’t have very many plans for the rest of this week so hopefully I can have a chilled evening soon. 

Vaccinations at 60.9% (39.7%)

To be completely honest I think I have written so much during this week that I’m not entirely sure what else to add apart from the vaccination status. Another steady increase from this time last week although case rates have increased a lot! Almost 1,000 cases today and yet most of Scotland are moving down to level 1 restrictions tomorrow. I don’t really want to talk very much about lockdown in this weeks entry as I think it is too soon to tell what is going to happen in the future. I will possible write more about it next week. As for now, I am in a good place and I feel my life is on an upward trend to happiness. But I guess we’ll see what has yet to come. As this week has felt a repeat of some of the previous lockdown diary entries from last year but, again, I don’t want to focus too much on that just now.

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May 2021

Daily Diary – May 2021

My daily diary where I will write a few sentences about each day. By doing this I hope to discover and appreciate the finer moments in my life and perhaps recall the journey of this year when I reach the end.

From the people I meet, the video games I play or the time I go to bed, good days and bad days, I will continue to write.

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ONE

Woke up a little after 12 and tidied my bedroom a bit. Got myself showered and shaved for the first time eating out in 2021. Food and ambience was fantastic but got a headache on the drive home so had to nap for an hour. Spent the rest of my night writing.

TWO

Woke just after 12 again with a message from Nicola asking if I wanted to go out for a fish and chips. Unexpected as I seen them yesterday but I didn’t hesitate. I got a battered burger and then we went for ice cream. I met Lisa around 9pm and we went to supermarket together and talked about life. Got home and play video games. 

THREE

Mayday bank holiday so a long lie was had. Spent my day playing video games. Was feeling a little down in the evening so went for a little drive by myself for a few hours listening to music and thinking. I got home and had a bath and listened to music for a little while. 

FOUR

Nice day at work. Didn’t do much in the evening so played PS4 and then went for a long drive by myself in the evening.

FIVE

Work with Erin today, really good shift but didn’t finish until after 4pm. Sister and nephew visited and it was great to see them. Met up with Lisa for an hour as she was helping her boyfriend work. Got home a little after 10pm.

SIX

Awesome shift with Erin today and we left work before 3pm. I accidentally napped for a few hours and met up with Rachel. Went for a 6 minute sunbed and drove to a Loch and sat for a few hours to catch up. Making plans for the coming week. Election Day so went to polling station to vote. 

SEVEN

Started work a little after 8am and got home just after 3pm. Lay in bed for a little while until dinner. Fell asleep and worked on my website in the evening. I left my house just before midnight to meet up with my ‘New Friend’ Billy and never got home until 4 in the morning and watched the weeks coronation street. Finally went to bed a little after 6am.

Published ‘More Normality’ on blog.

EIGHT

Woke up a little after 12 today. Visited a friend about 45-50 minutes away. Didn’t have such a great time, but got home after 2am.

NINE

Lazy Sunday afternoon in bed. Didn’t do very much but play video games and watch random videos on YouTube.

TEN

Busy Monday at work. Lots of travelling. Met up with Lisa in the evening and we sat down at the beach. Ordered some covid tests to do at home. 

ELEVEN

Quiet Tuesday at work. Got finished just before 2pm. Sister and nephew were visiting and done a covid test (negative result). Washed and hoovered my car in the evening at the outdoor car wash. Also went to supermarket to buy cigarettes. 

TWELVE

Long day at work with Erin. Didn’t get home until after 4pm. Fell asleep before 8pm and slept for almost 12 hours, must have been needed!

THIRTEEN

Work again with Erin but finished a little after 2pm. Bumped into one of my old teachers that I will write about in my diary. Went to Burger King with Billy and we sat in my car for a few hours and then went for a very short walk. 

FOURTEEN

Went for a short drive after work by myself and then had a small nap when I got home. Spent my evening doing some writing and then played PS4. 

Published ‘Memories’ on blog.

FIFTEEN

Such a nice warm day. Visited Lisa in her garden for a few hours and then in the evening met up with Nicola and Paul for noodles and ice cream (I drove) and a bird shat on all of us. Meant to be good luck. Watched anime (fairy tail) at night. 

SIXTEEN

Spent afternoon chilling out. Lisa visited my house with her boyfriend to see about some decorating work for my parents. Visited Linda’s home in the evening, was so good to catch up with her! Continued to watch anime (fairy tail) at night.

SEVENTEEN

Horrible Monday at work but finished for 3pm. Met up with a friend that I hadn’t seen for about 3 years after a fall out. Sat in my car for an hour or so and then went to Steven’s with him (they are already friends). Felt strange sitting in a house with someone else knowing that no laws are being broken. 

EIGHTEEN

Slightly longer day at work as was very busy. Had a nap in the evening before meeting Billy for McDonald’s and a catch up. Watched some more anime when I got home. 

NINETEEN

The day I had been waiting for when I finally got to go to Nandos with Rachel. It was such an awesome evening out. We also went for ice cream afterwards. Rachel drove, haven’t sat in her car for over a year! 

TWENTY

Exhausting day at work again. Didn’t get home until closer to 4pm so had a small nap after dinner. Arranged to meet up with Dani at the supermarket and we went for a drive to McDonald’s and chatted in her car until 2am. So much to catch up on.

TWENTY-ONE

Another exhausting day at work but had McDonald’s for lunch. We actually went inside to order and ate in the work van. Met up with Lisa for a catch up before heading through to see my new friend. 

Published ‘Overbusy’ on blog.

TWENTY-TWO

Woke up at 3pm today and it felt great sleeping in so late. Spent most of my day watching anime ‘fairy tail’ and then played some ‘Soul Calibur 6’. Got myself a takeaway in the evening and caught up on the whole weeks Coronation Street.

TWENTY-THREE

Lazy Sunday with not very much planned so I started playing ‘Tales of Zestiria’ on the PS4. Met up with my Billy about 7pm to go to supermarket for my snacks for the week.

TWENTY-FOUR

Quite a nice Monday at work with a fair amount of driving. Finished and home for 3pm and spent most of my evening playing PS4. Also had myself an early night.

TWENTY-FIVE

Little busier day at work but still finished for around the same time at 3pm, Was quite an anxious day for me and I’m not sure why. My neck started to hurt a little bit and covid test was negative. I drove to a park in the evening to chill out by myself for a little while.

TWENTY-SIX

Worked with Erin today and it was a nice day spent mostly driving. Got home a little after 3pm again and spent my evening on the PS4. I was supposed to meet Billy in the afternoon but he was busy and thought I meant later on so we never met until after 9pm.

TWENTY-SEVEN

Day off work using holiday allowance. Went to shopping centre about an hours drive away. Rachel got into my car and we went to Wagamama. It was such a nice relief getting back to a little more normality. Spent a lot of money in lush but I don’t regret it. Met up with an old work friend at night to get McDonald’s happy meals for the Pokemon cards.

TWENTY-EIGHT

Spent most of my evening playing PS4. Arranged to meet Jamie, a friend I’ve not seen since last year. I drove to his and he drove us to Kirspy Kreme for a milkshake. It was so nice to catch up and I didn’t get home until 2am. Then I watched the weeks Coronation Street episodes and went to bed around 4am.

Published ‘Uncertainty’ on blog.

TWENTY-NINE

Lisa and I went out in my car to a quiet spot near the beach to work on our laptops. Met up with Billy at night as he was a little upset. Enjoyed a very late gaming sesh watching the whole weeks episodes of Coronation Street. 

THIRTY

Woke up around 1pm today. Had Chinese food with my parents but then afterwards I had to take my dad back into hospital. We waited for 4 hours and I wrote about it in my diary. Couldn’t sleep so was up till about 5am. 

THIRTY-ONE

Quite a depressing day at work but I was working with Ben. I wrote another entry for my diary. Went out for a small drive and washed my car. Played PS4 at night and watched Coronation Street. 

I have written 16 first drafts of ‘Chronicles of Callum’ out of 50.

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